Advice/opinions needed

[RainDancer33]

Hello, this is a bit of a long one so apologies in advance. I would love some unbiased advice about my situation.
I have been with my partner for 5 years. We have both been married previously (i have been divorced for over 10 years, partner is still legally married). I have no children and my partner has 2 children to different mums and then had a vasectomy. I have always wanted children and when we met, partner said he would consider a vasectomy with the right person. With this in mind, our relationship progressed and we moved in together, saying we would buy a house together in a year or two. I contribute generously to house costs/bills and i also pay for partner and I to go on holidays. He cannot afford the house himself and was barely scraping by when i met him. Fast forward 5 years and we are still in the same house, he is still not divorced and any mention of children/vasectomy reversal has been met with resistance and arguments. I'm beginning to resent him. His excuse for no divorce is that he cannot deal with the stress of it. Personally, i feel he needs to grow up and just get it done. I have told him I will not buy any property with someone who is legally married to someone else and i will not invest any money into the current house (which was where he lived with his wife).
He is also extremely huffy and moans constantly about how unfair life is etc. I am increasingly feeling I should leave and get a place by myself. Any thoughts/advice would be very welcomed. Thank you for sticking with the long post 😊

How soon before you moved in? If he was barely scraping by it suggests it might have been sooner rather than later? You asked for these things and he agreed in principle, then you moved in, and now he won't even talk about them. Honestly? He needed someone to pay his bills for him.

So you are contributing generously to fund a married man, so he can afford to stay in his house, that you have no claim over?

You know the answer, op.

Moved in around 7/8months in. I later found out that family had been helping him pay mortgage and bills

Sounds more like a charity project than a partner - stop the subscription and find someone who actually wants to build a real relationship with you

You answered your own question in your final paragraph OP. You need to leave. This man is never going to free himself from the wife and you don't want to commit in any way, or have a baby with, a married man who is not financially stable. You can do so so much better than this.

He can’t afford the house by himself and you contribute generously. This sounds perfect for him and it would be a right pain in the bum if you moved out.

I think you should reconsider the relationship before your fertile days are over.

So let's recap:

You are living with a married man.
You want children and he has had a vasectomy.
You pay "generously" towards bills but have no legal rights to the house (I'm interested in what "generously" entails to really nail down what this statement means).
without you, he cannot cope financially. ie he has benefited massively from you moving in. Have you benefited financially in the same way?

I'm struggling to see how this is a viable long term relationship.

What's he like with the two existing chidlren? Becuase I'm not convinced you'd want him to be the baby daddy anyway.

Subscription 😂

Yeah he's taking you for a ride. You get nothing extra and he gets all his bills paid and free holidays. And presume you do plenty of cleaning and cooking too? Not because you should but because he sounds like he'd be more than happy to accept others doing things for him. Yet he was living on the breadline before.

You get nothing other than I presume, sex and companionship. You could get that for someone who actually is your equal. And won't lie just to get you to be his live in maid with a minge!

I have been questionning his parenting as well if I'm completely honest with myself. Very moody and as time has gone on, I have realised he is not the type of father i would want for any potential children. I appreciate all of this input. I already know I need to leave, I think I just needed to hear it from outside of my own head. My concern is that he would not cope by himself and would become depressed. But, selfishly, is that my problem to worry about?

No no no no no.

And the fact that you are worried about this and feel responsible for him in this way is a massive massive red flag to me and suggests that there probably is a great deal more going on in this relationship that is problematic.

You do not exist to make another person's life easier. It is not your job to prop him up. And the very fact that he seems to have convinced you that it is, is a sign in itself that you should get out as fast as possible. the only silver linining right now is that you don't have any financial ties to him, including chidlren..

Leave asap. You don't need to give notice. You dont' need to compromise. Find somewhere to live and GO.

You're supporting a man who has reneged on a very important issue. Time to dump him and move on. Make it a clear and non-negotiable part of your next relationship that you want a child/children.
You say you're worried about him becoming depressed if you dump him - is he not already depressed? He sounds pretty grim tbh.

It 100% is not! You're not responsible for him in the slightest. The fact that in the time you have known him he hasn't taken a single step towards:

• Improving his financial situation
• Getting divorced
• Reversing his vasectomy (from what you've said I think this is a saving grace)

Add to that the fact that you've seen his parenting firsthand and it's not what you would want for your child... I struggle to see a single reason why you would be with him, honestly I do. As I said at the start, you are not responsible for him, that includes keeping a roof over his head or maintaining his current lifestyle.

This is the kicker: he's clearly not making you happy, so why on earth do you think that you should be contributing to his happiness. If you leave (and I hope you will) and this depresses something then that's a natural consequence. It's not a reason not to leave and it's not a reason not to put yourself first.

I have told him I will not buy any property with someone who is legally married to someone else and i will not invest any money into the current house (which was where he lived with his wife).

1. he's still married and shows no inclination to change that
2. the house is his
3. he dies you could well have no legal rights whatsoever and find yourself homeless
4. he sounds feckless and a future faker, not to mention bloody lazy.

My concern is that he would not cope by himself and would become depressed. But, selfishly, is that my problem to worry about?

No.

Leave. Best to go find a healthy relationship.

You’re asking us for permission to put yourself first.

Permission granted.

Exactly this. I don't know why it's taken me so long to actually get to this point of realisation

Definitely time to leave OP. You're wasting your time, and your money with this one. And you are not responsible for his happiness, or depression or how unsatisfied he is with life. That's up to him to rectify, not you.

He's a dolt.
Get rid of him.

He will promise change when faced with losing his meal ticket, but stand firm. He doesn’t mean a word of it.

Don’t fall prey to sunk cost fallacy. Get out now. You have wasted enough precious time and energy on this idiot.

It's good to be a nurturing human being, but not when it comes to sacrificing your own well being. He's a grown man and responsible for handling any stressful situation life hands him. He doesn't make you a priority, saving himself from the boo-hoo stress of divorcing his ex. He knows you would of course prefer that, but his desire overrides yours.

If you stayed, say another decade and he dropped dead or he at that point dumped you, you'd have zero equity in any property, having basically wasted money renting while he's paid down his mortgage. His "wife" would inherit the house, not you. Not a wise way to handle your life.

Maybe it's strengthen your resolve for a quick and clean exit to know that he's NEVER planned on reversing his vasectomy. He planted lies to extend the period of time where he could dupe you into financing his preferred lifestyle.

Don't date right away after leaving. You need time to learn from your mistakes and to do some reading about better vetting in the dating world. Take care.