Should I stay in unfulfilled relationship? (ivf consideration too..)

[GiddyFish]

Would love some advice...

I'm 38, female, divorced...
my choice and best thing I've done!

I was single for 2 years and thrived - loved being alone, have a great job/friends/family, own my house etc..

Met my now BF 2 years ago and fell quickly into a happy (but sexually unfulfilled) relationship. He's wonderful, caring & kind to everyone he meets but we've never had true passion.

I've raised it multiple times with him over the last 2 years that that I needed more sexual energy and more flirting etc.
Unfortunately it always fell on deaf ears & nothing really changed but I was so happy having lots of fun with him in other ways that I compromised.

It's now gone too far and I can't stand it. I crave being truly desired and desiring someone in the same way. I had this feeling with my first boyfriend and I think I've been chasing it ever since (didn't really have this with my husband either)

I've now made it clear that I think I'm done with the relationship and he's suddenly snapped into action. All the flirting, innuendos, touching etc that I've been begging for....but I think it's too late. I now feel NOTHING when he touches me and I just want to live by myself again. Being single doesn't scare me at all!

On paper, this of course sounds easy, right? Just end it and move on.

But here's where I feel conflicted:
I 100% need IVF to have a baby (long story for another day - zero hope for natural conception) and if I end this relationship I have to be realistic that I may end up childless (unless I use a donor which I feel uneasy about). I have very low egg reserves too, so if I don't have a successful round in the next year or so, it's very unlikely I'll have a baby of my own.

We have recently done a round which was unsuccessful and I do wonder if my hormones are playing tricks on me with all of this too....

I also hate the thought of hurting him - I have a tendency to put the feelings of others before my own.

Sorry this all so garbled(!) but I would love to hear thoughts....

Do I stay with a loving man but face zero reciprocated passion for the rest of my life?
Do I stay with the hope of successful IVF even though I know you should never bring children into an unhappy relationship (and of course there are zero guarantees in ivf anyway).
Is chasing passion at this age a pipe dream? Should I forget about having chemistry with a partner and focus more on character? Surely you can have both..?
(I have to of course also accept I may never meet anyone else again and be alone forever..!)
Is he suddenly acting more sexual/romantic because I threatened to end it? Why did my warnings before never spark any action?

You don't love him, and having a baby will only make being in a relationship worse

Your warnings didn’t spark action before because he’s not doing anything wrong, you are just sexually mismatched and you are trying to change him, he doesn’t need to change, he needs someone who matches his sexually energy and so do you.

Let him go and then you can both find people you deserve, rather than pretending to settle for someone when neither of you are doing anything wrong right now.

No way should you have a baby with him imo.

Take the IVF out of the decision-making process. Get rid of it. As you've acknowledged, having a baby in an unsatisfactory relationship is totally 100% unfair on the child who didn't ask to be born.

Now that you've removed IVF from the process, what do you think you should do about your unsatisfactory relationship with a man who you haven't actually mentioned in your OP that you love?

The wanting a baby puts a different perspective on things really, if it wasn't for that i'd be saying go out and find someone who is more sexually compatible, i've been friend zoned in my marriage and honestly i wouldn't wish that on anyone...it's better to be single and alone than to feel alone in a marriage.

I'm not sure i'd want to be trying to conceive with someone if you feel nothing when they touch you, you will create a situation that's even more difficult to break free from.

Good luck and i hope you find your way...

If you stay with this man you are more than likely to break up anyway. I understand you are not sure about donor conception but may I ask why? I know a few women who have conceived through donors and haven’t encountered any issues I know of. What you are essentially doing is using this man as a donor, it’s just that you hope he would stay in the picture after baby is born whether you are in a romantic relationship or not.

I say this as someone who encountered a similar dilemma when I was married, 100% needed IVF and decided to stay despite now ex-H’s alcoholism and complete lack of any physical intimacy (including hugging and kissing). I had DD successfully first time round and then we divorced. He went off the rails for the first year of her life and she didn’t see him, but then worked hard to be better and is now a very good co parent with me. It’s an arrangement that works after a lot of work from both of us. And in my case it’s preferable to having no co parent.

But be realistic: many co parent relationships can be toxic, emotional, logistically difficult and draining. And taking a step back, this assumes you conceive successfully via IVF. Worst case scenario is you could spend years on thr IVF round before you have a baby. Are you willing to spend years of your life going through a stressful, expensive, emotionally and physically taxing process with a partner whom you feel nothing for?

Only you know the answer to the above. I know what route I chose and counter-intuitively I would choose it again because I got lucky, after many years of heartache and being very unlucky. But I have since discovered post divorce relationships full of physical passion and emotional fulfilment. And it’s freeing to enjoy that with zero anxiety about settling down or my biological clock.

Sorry, I’m trying to be helpful by setting everything out. Either way it’s not an easy road. But if donor conception is an option I don’t see why you wouldn’t take it unless you are 10000% convinced that if you broke up this man would be the most amazing co parent ever.

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies - they have really helped me to see clearly the situation I am in.
Everyone is correct that I need to take the IVF situation out of the new equation.