My brother and cousin are judgmental towards me. What should I do?

[cracman]

I'm a man in my late 20s, and I've had some issues with my older brother and a cousin who lives in another country. My brother is four years older than me, married with a child and has an established career. I've struggled to get a stable job for a few years, although I've recently started a remote contract role. I'm still living with my parents, and my social life isn't where I'd like it to be because many of my friends have moved away, got married or become busy with their own lives.

My brother sometimes makes assumptions about my social life. I told him I still have college friends whom I see occasionally, sometimes once or twice a year because everyone is busy or lives abroad. He acted as though I didn't really have college friends. What's frustrating is that he never really made lasting friendships at university himself. He was hanging around with the wrong crowd and made some mistakes back then. He studied in another city but came home every weekend, so he didn't build much of a social life there either. I'm not saying this to put him down, but I find it unfair that he judges my social life when his own experiences weren't perfect. . Most of his friends were build through family connections and mutual friends. Loads of them moved away aboard.

The situation with my cousin has bothered me even more. He started giving me advice about improving myself, but the conversation turned hostile. He shouted in my face, told me to be quiet and said I only hung out with two people. He also told me to stop comparing myself with my brother. I felt he was making assumptions about my life without knowing the full picture. I suspect my brother may have spoken to him about me and given him the impression that I barely have any friends, but I can't prove exactly what was said. It has left me wondering whether my brother has been discussing my personal life with other relatives and whether they've formed a negative opinion of me as a result.

I'm trying to improve my career, become more independent and build a better social life. I know I'm not perfect, but I don't think I deserve to be spoken to like that. Has anyone dealt with similar family issues?

Would you confront your brother/sister/cousin about what he might be saying to relatives, or would you stop sharing personal details and keep your distance?

I don't want unnecessary family drama, but I also don't want to keep feeling judged by my own family.

You probably need to have a think about why these conversations occurred in the first place, for example, did you ask for their advice, and then avoid that situation again. Of course the best from of “revenge” (not that this is a vengeful situation!), is getting out there and being happy. Being happy will REALLY annoy them 😉

Keep your distance from such people and do not share details . Your cousin looks like he has been used as a flying monkey by your brother )who has messed up previously) to get back at you.

You need radiators in your life, not drains upon them.

Respectfully, OP, that all sounds like a storm in a teacup to me. You acknowledge yourself that your career, living situation and social life are not what you’d like them to be. While your brother and cousin sound tactless, I think you’re overreacting massively (and in fact being equally judgemental about your brother’s social life). I mean, who cares whether their impression of your life matches your reality? The only person whose opinion about your life matters is your own, ultimately. Focus on yourself.

It doesn’t matter what they think of you it only matters if you’re happy with your life. It sounds to me like they’re either worried about you or worried that you’re becoming a drain on your parents.

@ClaredeBear

My cousin advised me to join a club or take up activities to expand my social circle.

However, after giving me advice, he suddenly became hostile and said that I only talk to two people. I told him that wasn't true, but he continued being confrontational.

There's only one thing to do really, and that is to stop letting them get to you. Ignore their unpleasant comments and disparaging remarks. Those remarks say a lot more about them than they do about you.

It is a bit of a cliche to say 'don't let it bother you' but that is what you need to do. You can't change them, but you can change your own reactions to them, and how they make you feel.

There's a technique called Grey Rock. Look it up, and hopefully it will help you.

What's with the name OP, are you using drugs?

Stop sharingany details at all.

I have an older sister who is pretty judgey about aspects of my life. I ignore her and her tedious views. Why would I give a toss what she thinks?

Just do the same. Family members' views are irrelevant. Give them a hard stare, say "I suppose you are entitled to your opinion" then end the conversation and walk away.

How you live your life is your business, not theirs.

no need for shouting. i don’t care what people say if you love someone and care about them you don’t shout in their face. you shout in my face you just wont get that near to me again. ignore them op. god know what’s going on in their heads but it isn’t some well meaning familial love.

You don't argue about it, you say, "What do you care ? "
You know you need to improve your social circle
So Yes, start a sport, or join a club, join the pub quiz night, or walking club,

Just enjoy your life, it’s not theirs to decide. What’s wrong with two friends, that also sounds fine to me.

i would work on your career options save up and rent a studio flat of your own away from parents. Then you don’t have to see or hear from brother or cousin again.

I have a son early 30s he’s probably similar to you. Been to uni came home again. Small circle. Pp, sadly has got smaller as a friend has passed away but he’s taking. time to grieve and try to get over it.

I, and my son, are estranged from my family as we don’t need their interference or comments on our lives.