Managing NC family situation.

[MummyOre]

My sister (ds) hasn't spoken to me for 3 years.

Initially she said I was rude to her and thats why she went NC but she then texted me that she had issues with me for about a year.

I apologised profusely and felt absolutely awful as a never intended to upset or offend her.
I was very ill during that year, physically but especially my MH. I isolated myself, she wasn't aware of how ill I was and took it personally.

Issue now is family occasions. Funerals, milestone birthdays of siblings etc.
Its so difficult and I end up dreading them and getting really stressed.

Our mother doesn't acknowledge my sister doesn't speak to me. Everyone in the family acts like there's nothing going on...

Any advice would be appreciated as theres an occasion coming up and I'm absolutely dreading it.

Thanks.

As far as your family is concerned, if everyone else communicates as normal, then it will be quite easy for everyone else to just carry on as usual. No one is in constant conversation and so two people not talking doesn't look like a big deal from the outside.

Presumably you ae all invited to the occasion and everyone will be attending.

What is it exactly are you worried will happen at this event?

How do you want/need/expect the rest of your family to act?

The thing is, if you’ve hurt or offended someone and they tell you, and you apologize profusely and can reflect that they may have a point - as you have done by acknowledging your illness - there is nothing more you need to do. Now the initiative is on them to forgive you and move on.

I think you do the same as your family and breezily act like nothing is wrong. They may not even be acting - they may not notice. Let your sister crack on with her drama.

Well if it was me i'd do one of 2 things

Turn up to the occasion confident and own it, be outspoken when needed and generally just take no prisoners.

or

Just don't bother going, i do this a lot now as quite frankly i hate family do's, i find them boring...

My front is ridiculously good but it's exhausting.

I am sorry i upset her so much and now I literally think about what I say in all social situations as I got it so wrong.

Plus i'm questioning why I'm going to things as wasn't ever that close to my other siblings.

I know how exhausting it is as i've been fronting for years, so i feel your pain, like i say, now i don't stress anymore, i just say 'thanks for the invite but no thanks' i prefer my own company these days and can't be bothered with all that obligatory crap. I'm polite, generous and i care but my life is so much better now i'm not forcing myself to attend things i don't want to attend. I think i'm getting more reclusive as i get older :-)

Reading my posts back, I literally thought why do I bother to go (apart from the funeral).

At some events my other siblings barely acknowledged me.

Its hard as I feel so isolated and I know my sister has slagged me off to all our wider family.

Has your sister ever cut other people off?

Just wondering if this is a pattern and other people are just used to it.

You have apologised. If you want to move on, and generally like being around family, I’d keep turning up. If it’s become normal to have to mask and put up a front, it’s ok to be selective.

I am estranged from my brother by choice and now I rarely go to anything. The odd funeral. If I’m even informed about them.

Yes. She cut everyone off at some point.

She once cut me off because I announced a pregnancy, she didn't agree with.

I know its all a load of nonsense but it makes me so stressed.

You make a good point about seeing other siblings. I don't particularly enjoy their company, over the last few years and don't want to spend time with them.

I mean unless what you said to her was extremely bad i wouldn't worry about what the wider family think, at this point in all honesty, i think you should be concentrating on yourself first, it's clearly had/having a very negative effect on your mental health. Often in order to get past something like this you have to be able to justify you're behaviour in some way in your own mind, or get some form of acceptance from the other person that they have accepted your apology.

If the situation is fixable by having a long conversation with your sister then give it a go, if not put the past behind you and re-invent yourself. I'm in a very lonely place in my life at the moment so i have lots of thoughts floating around my head so i apologise now if i sound like some kind of therapist, i'm not, i'm just a deep thinker.

You can be happy again, your just going through one of those shitty phases that life throws at us every now and again...big hugs

I completely agree @MummyOre you have can do no more the ball is in her court. You don’t have anything to fix.