My 22 year old daughter …

[carpetbuzz]

I love her to
pieces and perhaps spoiled her and compensated for her shit dad.
She comes home from uni , lays in her bed and does nothing to help around the house. She rarely
comes home but spends a lot of time in her boyfriends house which is bigger and more private .. apparently.
When I ask her to do anything she accuses me of roaring. I dont roar, full stop.
She is always on the grab. If I say I’ve bought myself something, she asks what did I get her.
Her father doesn’t contribute to her education .. we’re not in the Uk so I pay her fees and rent . She works part time. She has no interest in her siblings who are difficult and have SN. Yet she spends a lot of time with her bfs siblings.
I am sad she doesn’t come home
too much but it’s definitely easier when she isn’t here. The house is peaceful and tbh when she is here , she’s asking what’s for dinner and generally demanding.
Im sad we’ve ended up like this.. conflicted perhaps but it irks me to see her drive to her bf late at night when he’s lonely or his night doesn’t work out with his friends etc.
She hasn’t bought me a coffee in years yet asks for suggestions what to get her bfs family for important occasions. She is generous at Christmas and birthdays but I lend and give her plenty .
Any advice how to proceed here would be appreciated . As you can read, she’s extremely immature .
Her dad left us suddenly some years ago and I don’t think she ever got over that. He refuses to help fund her yet she doesn’t appreciate that I am educating her , housing her for large parts of the year etc. sadly, she always seems to be on the take .
Thanks

Make her stand on her own two feet. Stop paying her rent if she is eligible for financial assistance. Stop doing everything for her. Let her grow up and make mistakes and learn

Yep, time for some very tough love. Possibly even some very rude love.

I agree with pp.
She is 22. She is an adult. I take it she reserves her downright selfish and unappealing behaviour for you and doesn't behave like this with other people. It sounds as though she is punishing you because of her father leaving. She appears to have no respect for you.
Stop funding her and enabling her selfish behaviour. You aren't her servant.

I'd agree it's time for some tough love, i would also have a grown up conversation with her about her Dad leaving just in case she holds any resentment towards you for that, she may not, but you might want to make sure she's fully aware of the circumstances around him leaving. Then i'm afraid it's probably time to lay it all out there, how you feel, how she makes you feel, how she takes you for granted etc...maybe just be brutally honest and see what happens.

I'd start by setting some expectations about your financial situation and point out to her how much you are paying and what it covers and that if she wants extras she needs to earn the money (or ask her dad). I also think you need to be a bit less sensitive and push back more - if you show her a new sweater and she asks what you bought her say nothing, but they may still have these sweaters in stock if she wants to buy one for herself. If she accuses you of "roaring" when you haven't, either tell her not to be ridiculous or ignore the comment and stay focused on what you've asked her to do.

You may not be able to get her to do actual "chores" but it's important to make sure she's taking care of herself - keeping her room clean, tidying up any mess she makes in common areas, cooking, doing her laundry - don't do these for her even occasionally if she can't be civil to you. The situation with her boyfriend does sound a little worrying, but no one can know what someone else's relationship is like. Maybe it works for her, and if not only she can figure out what does and make changes. All part of growing up!

Stop spoiling her. Make meals together. Wash up together. Clean the house together. Easier said than done I know but you need to toughen up.

You have made her what she is
Grow some and parent her