Long-term girlfriend broke up with me over text after several years. How should I proceed?

[MrBrokenHeart]

Hi, my girlfriend and I were together for over six years, but she recently broke up with me over text. I thought we were quite close, as we knew each other’s families and saw each other at least once a week. We had also been through a lot together. She waited for me while I attended rehab for several months, and despite struggling with other addictions afterward, I eventually managed to finish school. We had even discussed getting married.

A few days before the breakup, she became distant and barely responded to my texts and ignored my calls. She eventually messaged me saying she had been thinking a lot and felt it would be best to end our relationship so we could focus on ourselves, work, and school. She also said she hoped we could still be friends.

I told her that I was obviously hurt but respected her decision. However, given that we had been together for six years, I asked if we could meet in person one last time to say goodbye, as I felt it would help me get closure and move on. The following day, she replied that she probably wouldn't feel comfortable meeting in person because of the stress, but again expressed hope that we could remain friends. This was confusing because we had previously been seeing each other regularly.

I was really hurt by how things ended, as I felt like she was throwing away our relationship without even giving me the chance to say goodbye in person. This was by far my longest relationship, and she was a huge part of my life. I'm struggling to understand why she would end things this way, especially after everything we went through together.

Her birthday was a few days later, so I wished her a happy birthday on WhatsApp. She thanked me and reassured me that she still had my number and hadn't blocked me, using smiley emojis. I haven't responded to those messages because I'm confused about why she wants to remain friends but doesn't seem willing to meet in person.

One possibility I've considered is that her parents may have influenced her decision to break up over text or advised her not to meet me, but this is purely speculation.

Update: It's now been over a week since her last message, which I didn't respond to. A couple of days ago, she texted me asking if I could text her back and said that "this wasn't a full goodbye."

I'm feeling confused about what she means by this and what I should do next. Should I respond by saying I'd still prefer to meet in person for closure, or would it be better to approach things differently? I'd appreciate any advice on how to handle this situation and move forward.

Hi mate

Firstly I am sorry to hear about what has happened.

However from my experience, I tend to think that 'the long goodbye' is just more painful.

It sounds that you have a few challenges to get on top of, addictions etc. I reckon you should turn your full attention to your own life now.

So what if you meet her one last time? It will just cause anxiety in the run up, be sad and painful during, and afterwards you might think, why did I do that? It will just set you back.

I would get on with life if I were you. Six years is long, have you come out better as a person for it? That's is good - onwards and upwards now.

How old are you both? Sounds like she maybe expected you to fight more, but you have been respectful of what she wanted which is great. The last message she sent seems to be sending mixed messages. Do you still want the relationship or are you coming to terms with it being over?

In your shoes, I wouldn't text her back, she's not being consistent, but that's not your problem. She has already said she doesn't want to meet, I would respect that rather than asking again.

In the past I would tell an ex 'let's be friends' out of politeness (sometimes for my safety) in the same way that you'd tell someone 'we should meet up' when you have no intention of doing so.

Focus on yourself and your sobriety

It doesn’t much matter what she means, surely. She’s right about the reasons for breaking up. You’re very young if you’re still at, or only just finished, university, and you’ve had what sounds like serious addiction issues, and you’ve been together for six years? You were children. Chalk it up to experience, and focus on your life, career and physical and mental health. I don’t think there’s any point in a final meeting, unless you’re hoping to persuade her to change her mind, when I think she’s right — time to move on.

Just say she made her decision (and you don't appreciate the mixed messages she is giving, a clean break is much less painful). Or just the first few words she may be feeling guilty and want to let you down more gently, but what's done is done and I wouldn't try to go back time to move on.

I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through, it must be hard especially with the mixed messages.

Did she ever tell you why she’s breaking up with you? Understanding this is the route to closure, not meeting up with her for one last lingering goodbye.

i’m curious why you think her parents have been able to make her make a decision she didn’t want to? is she very passive? are her parents abusive? ultimately she doesn’t need to meet you however much that stings. how have you behaved with her when you’ve disagreed previously?

When a boyfriend told me he didn’t think we were a long term thing (after I had asked where did he see things going) we didn’t immediately break up but what was the point? I wanted to talk things out, not to get back together but to understand and he rightly pointed out that he was not the one to talk things through with.
It sounds as if your girlfriend has either met someone else or the relationship has run its course. Six years together and you haven’t committed yourselves to each other - and why is that?
Her ‘this wasn’t a full goodbye’ is just her trying to keep you on the back burner in case the new interest doesn’t work out or she has a lonely weekend I expect. Cut ties completely now. The sooner you do the quicker you can move on.

I was with a woman for 2 years when she broke up with me over text , turned out she had met someone else ( and had been sleeping with the both of us for a while)

tend to agree with previous poster about the full goodbye thing, sounds like she is trying to keeping you around in case something else doesn’t work out

cut her off completely and try to move on with your life now

Well, or is just trying to avoid the OP showing up on her doorstep and making a scene?

As for why she’s breaking up with him — there are ample reasons in the OP. They must have got together during their school days if they’ve been together six years and have only recently finished university, and during that time the OP has struggled with multiple different addictions and spent six months in rehab for one of them, turning to others when he came out, and interrupting his education.

Bluntly, it’s not hard to see why someone might have called time.

You were 'quite close' after 6 years? Did you love her?

It sounds as if you are both young and inexperienced. Perhaps she hasn't broken up with many people before and wants to let you down gently. Perhaps (given that she could be easily influenced by her parents) she is a chronic people pleaser and struggles with ending it. Perhaps she has met someone else but keeping you in the back pocket.

It doesn't really make much difference, does it?

What is best for you is to move on. Focus on your recovery. Focus on finding out who you are as an independent, single person.

I'd ignore her messages or perhaps send one last text to say you accept her decision, but need to step away from messaging whilst you rebuild.