Defining emotional affair

[MarilynMerlot]

I’m curious about this as in the past I have definitely been in what I think most people would class as an emotional affair. Simply put, there was no sex, but a lot of companionable stuff like dinner together, seeing a film, etc, and touch that just started going on too long (think hugs that lingered or touching my hair). Where it stopped being ‘just friends’ is hard to pinpoint but if you’d asked me at the time if we were in an affair or a secret relationship I would have absolutely said no, because there was no sexual contact. I’d have said we were really close mates.

Looking back I can see how dumb I was (and that’s probably why I was selected by this man tbh), but it wasn’t until I was older I realised you could be pouring time and effort into another person and that could be even more damaging than something purely sexual. I don’t know, have you ever been in one or a victim of one? Where do you feel it crossed into ‘affair’ for you?

With hindsight, the moment he lied to his gf to do something with me was it I think (And of course, he told me a bunch of bull about their relationship and how it was casual, and so on. It ended when I realised how upset she was)

Were you single during this?
You seem to be putting a lot of blame on him, and if you were single then fair enough.
But of you were partnered then you were as much to blame.
It does sound like EA to me.

An easy way to not cross boundaries is to imagine one or both significant others in the room. If you wouldn't say or do something with them around, don't do it because it's crossing boundaries into an EA.

I was single, yes.

I guess what I’m asking is how did you know that’s what it was. So many EAs seem to thrive on that level of plausible deniability

i think it’s whenever you have a friendship where there are things that have been said or done by both or even one of you when the two of you are alone that you know would hurt or concern your partner if they witnessed it. if you were alone with them and your partner suddenly appeared how would you feel?

Sounds like you want people to say it was ok to shag him.

If you wouldn't be happy to behave in the way that you behaved with him in front of his partner then that's the kicker isn't it? I don't think it is hard to define at all. Imagine how you would act if you were in front of her - fairly clear, isn't it? Some people think there is such a thing as plausible deniability, others call it denying the bleeding obvious. If your moral compass needs so much fine tuning that you need to tie yourself up in knots trying to define what is/isn't an emotional affair then you need to think hard about why that is and how it might impact other areas of your life where possibly you act with a distinct lack of integrity. Sorry, I'm in tough love mode tonight.

I was single and didn’t know his relationship status, so it would have been, from my end.

but I didn’t shag him,

That doesn't make sense. You said he told you a bunch of bull about his relationship - he didn't tell you he was single, you knew he was in relationship, however casually he portrayed it. And as you said, you ended it when you realised how upset she was - so, again, she would only be upset if they were in a relationship!

Yeah, apparently an open relationship. It wasn’t.

Perhaps it was a bad example as it’s not like it was a friendship with a married man, just some guy who lied he was in an open relationship, but my question based on thinking about it was how did you know it had crossed the line for your or your partner from friends into emotional affair?

My ex did this. Loads.

It's fucking horrific.

There's not really a binary line you can draw on individual behaviours, but the intention and emotional response you get from an EA is not in any way the same as you get from a platonic friend.

Both people know what they're doing.

If you're willing to be a partner with someone who claims to be in an open relationship, then now you know for the future to demand to meet his significant other first.

Since the explanations given still haven't been fully understood by you, another example is to think of the ways you wouldn't want your partner behaving with a female friend, co-worker, etc. Adopt the behavior of treating your partner, or his if you're single, how you yourself want to be treated while being part of a couple.

If 2 parties are single and there was no sex then it's completely nothing to worry over.

The secret aspect makes it an EA.

So when did the expression EA start being used for flirtations and deep friendships?

Well, I guess that my question, when is it one and not the other? If I known his relationship wasn’t really open, I wouldn’t have reciprocated the flirty side of our friendship. But can friendships even be ‘flirty’ without crossing the line?

I think the expression EA is quite new and has been used to make minor banter more serious. I don't think that's what you were referring l too though

It's hard to define from the single person's perspective.

For me, it's emotionally investing in the EA relationship more than in your actual partner. Prioritising the AP over your partner. Deceit and lies.

In my specifics it was 45 messages a day each (they were work colleagues, but not all were about work), going to events together or meeting for brunch/coffee just the two of them - I had no idea and assumed he was just working late. Him going to her house. He took at least one day of annual leave to spend with her and I had no clue. He bought her presents but had them delivered to reception at work so I wouldn't find out - and in violation of what we'd agreed about how we manage spending. He asked her not to hug him on one occasion where I might turn up, so that I wouldn't get upset. Sharing loads of details of our marriage with her and telling her things he'd never told me. It was awful.

Well, if someone lies and says they're in an open relationship and they're not, as the guy you're talking about did, that seems to me like a different issue. I wouldn't say you were in an emotional affair when you weren't even aware that you were involved in any level of affair. He may have been in an emotional affair but you were just lied to.

Other than that, I guess some people do have a hard time knowing where those invisible lines are. But to be honest, I knew by the age of twelve or thirteen what was okay or not with another girl's boyfriend, and it's basically the same as it is for me now, as a long married woman.

I wouldn't have long personal conversations with other men, let alone go out to dinner or the movies with them, in the first place. Anything that I wouldn't say or do in front of my husband or wouldn't like him doing to me, is a no-no. If that helps at all...