When a co-parent makes no effort

[PenelopeChipShop]

I'm fed up this morning. I've been divorced almost 10 years, ex sees our DC (DS14 and DD10) every other weekend and does one school collection a week on a day I work. I do appreciate this, I know it's easier than being a true, total 'single parent' etc etc.

But he hasn't changed at all from when we were married - he just exists in the same room as the kids, he is never pro-active. When they go to his house, there are no rules, no bedtime, he just lets them go on their screens all day long, never checks HW unless I explicitly ask or explain. DD comes home without having had a wash, hair in the same plait I put it in before she left (I do this on purpose now!) She was SO tired this morning bc she said she stayed up late at her dad's - he doesn't tuck her in or do anything nice, he'll just 'right go to bed' when he gets sick of them at about 10pm. It's just low, low effort. She is autistic and needs more hands-on parenting and chivvying and nervous system regulation than an average 10-year-old. But is verbal and supposedly 'low support needs'.

The teenager is independent and really good, will do HW etc if I remind him, and ex shows more interest in him (bc he's a boy I suspect) so I think he benefits more from seeing his dad. But I'm starting to think that my DD is getting nothing out of going there. She isn't really bothered about her dad at all. He got a puppy last year and to be honest I think she only wants to go now bc he loves the dog - we don't have one as I don't have the capacity between work and doing 95% of everything for them.

This morning DD just couldn't drag herself out of bed, she was so tired, and she always seems low and it takes me ages to transition her back to being at home, even though she only went there on Saturday morning. I'm starting to think I'd rather she just didn't see him - if she was with me, I'd do nice things with her, take her to museums and out for walks/ roller skating which she likes, I hear her read, we bake, etc. At his house she's just on her iPad the whole time apart from some dog walks. Otoh them going there for one Saturday night a fortnight is the only break I get to do anything for me.

Anyone in a similar scenario where their ex is just so low effort?! This is literally all his does, just show up EOW and one pick-up but then just basically ignore them. Somewhere in the history of this site is probably a 10-year-old post where I said the exact same thing before we divorced. He hasn't changed. Part of me wants to say, just don't take her if you're not going to actually do any parenting. But her brother will still want to go. Ugh.

Is this contact court ordered or is this an informal arrangement?.

Why do you assume your son wants to go there? Are either of them getting anything out of seeing their dad given they seemingly remain in his home the whole time?. Both these children need decent role models, both male and female, in their lives.

No, we never went to court, did everything ourselves and it is all reasonably 'friendly'. He pays CM and always has. I think he does WANT to see them but he's never been really engaged with the boring stuff. He has taken them on nice (expensive) holidays. On the last one though, DD called me as she had got upset and needed me to help regulate her (this is normal, as I said she's autistic and only 10) and ex was texting me in the background that 'she shouldn't be moaning when she's on a nice holiday' - he has never been able to tolerate any of the hard stuff of parenting, like sickness, children not acting exactly how want them to at all times, fussy eating etc.

He literally just wants a nice picture for social media while I do all the stuff that involves effort. I'm tired of it and I know I can't change him but I am starting to question whether we should continue this contact arrangement bc I feel like my DD (in particular) would get more out of just being with me.

My ex was like this, had them 48 hours a month, his wife always had the hairdresser round, shopping to get. I’m not saying it should be about the children but even an hour in the park would’ve been some effort. No homework even looked at or any actual parenting.
Now they have these family days but it’s easy everyone is an adult and there’s not any parenting to do. More like seeing a distant relative. I wouldn’t stop it if she’s not upset or distressed but just learn to manage the days after which is rubbish but one of those things I feel

How old are yours now @socks1107? Were they young when you split? I think I feel extra annoyed on behalf of my DD bc he cheated on me while we were trying for her and while I was pregnant, then left when she was a baby. Yes this is ancient history now and goodness knows we're better off divorced, but I feel his continued presence in her life is just teaching her how rubbish men can be! She deserves so much better.

To reference Attila's comment though I have stopped dating entirely so there certainly won't be a new positive male presence in anyone's life from that perspective, I don't have enough free time to waste any of it internet dating!!

I think I'm just venting here to stop myself calling him and ranting that he hasn't even managed to get his DD to have a wash on his weekend. I mean where is the line between 'relaxed' and 'neglect'.