Husband crossing Social media boundary with another woman

[BeWorthyGreenFish]

I (F44) need to get a read on if I am spiraling out. I am worried about my husband’s (M48) behavior on social media. Some background: we have been together for 11 years and he is an artist. For the last three years, he has been exhibiting at a grassroots gallery which is run by a semi-successful artist (more successful than my husband) and her husband. I could tell the moment he met her that he was starstruck and loved what she was doing at this social enterprise gallery. He immediately started interacting with her a lot on social media, I think trying to stay on her radar professionally.

Last year when he exhibited, we both went to the opening night and I may as well have not existed, including him allowing me to walk alone back to our hotel at 11 p.m. after I hurt my eye, as he was busy talking with her. After this night, I got a little crazy and dug into his social media; he was liking and commenting on every post she made, including liking photos of her. I wouldn't have had a problem with that, except for the fact that he ignores me almost completely on social media. He would post about her on his personal page and this amazing nonprofit gallery, but wouldn't even like a post I would make about my own volunteer community project that I run. We had it out, and he told me I had nothing to worry about but he understood how I felt and would tone it down.

This year we have gone back for the opening night and it prompted me to look at his social media again and he is back to interacting with her more than anyone else, including me. I looked at his phone (I’m not proud) and he has also been searching up two of his exes.

I am aware as I am writing this that it sounds petty and childish, but I have a feeling there is more going on that I can’t shake. I don’t think for a moment that he is or would cheat. I guess it’s just the first time in our relationship where I think he could be looking elsewhere.

I am heading into perimenopause, have gained weight, and have had some professional setbacks that have really dented my confidence, so there is every chance that I am overreacting.

I wish I wasn’t the first to comment OP because I REALLY don’t want to sound “cool wife” (I definitely am not).
firstly, you say “star struck”, as in.. her talent? Or her, or both?
Because I paint (in self taught and have fun) but I do interact with some other artists more personally than others. One in particular because I absolutely love his work (and bought several) and I’ve had personal chats with him on DM. Nothing untoward ever. Because for a start it’s.. not like that. If I could paint like him it’d be my life’s dream.
And he lives in another continent so there’s that.
plus he has no idea what I look like.
thats a lot about me but its intended to say… maybe its not him looking elsewhere as it were.
But maybe it is.
the exes .. again could be what some people do in idle curiosity.
But it looks more like a pattern.
my husband doesn’t interact with me on SM. There’s no evidence of him in my life there - apart from occasionally “liking” a painting. Thats because of his job. But your husband DOES interact with you - on SM and in real life obviously so unless there were glaring signs of actual sexual or romantic interest in her I’d probably watch and wait.
The truth is you can’t make someone more invested in you if they aren’t. That sounds harsh. But if that’s the primary matter, you probably already know that (ps my husband is an arsehole too so there’s another reason I say people who aren’t invested .. just aren’t sometimes.
i do feel for you though.

Hi OP

You say you "don't think for a moment that he is or would cheat"

But you also say you think he "could be looking elsewhere".

What do you think he's looking for if not an opportunity with another woman?

You also think there's "more going on" with the gallery owner. Why?

Does he still put effort into your relationship, initiate sex and cuddles, plan special dates, make you feel loved and wanted?

Or has everything got routine and a bit boring and he really only lights up around her?

I think it's quite normal to interact more with other people outside of our immediate lives online, because he sees you and interacts with you directly every day within your relationship, and I've searched for exes in the past with zero interest in getting back with them or getting in contact with them again, but it sounds like he's developed a crush on her.

Liking and posting on every post is too much, and too intense. She will have registered that, and I wonder what she makes of it. Whilst also context dependent, I think that liking photos of her like this is inconsiderate to your feelings. His behaviour strikes me as a man who is desperately trying to get her attention to signal his availability - maybe some of that is professional, but I don't think it should be rules out that he likes her specifically too.

People who see this behaviour online will likely think that he's taking the piss and that there's something going on. He's humiliating you with this almost pupp-dog behaviour.

If any of this is on Instagram, that app acts like an infidelity, boundary-bluring machine, and personally, even though I know some people need it for business purposes, it would be turn-off for me if I saw a man using it a lot.

I don't interact with my partner on social media because I'm with him every day. Social media is for the people I don't see as often in person.

None of what you've said, to me, sounds like 'man having affair'. He might like her. He might even find her attractive. But liking and commenting on social media posts about her gallery is really not a big deal.

Bear in mind that Facebook algorithms will also mean he probably sees a lot of her posts more than yours and other friends' posts. They're both in the art world, they probably have a lot of contacts in common and are showing on Facebook as having the same interests - that means Facebook will show them each other's content more than other people's. And of course, when he then hits 'Like' because the post has been shown to him, Facebook shows him of that content because it knows he's interacted with it previously.

Looking up exes is no big deal. I've looked up loads of mine. It's just common or garden curiosity, not a desire to have any sort of relationship or contact with them. Mostly in my case it's because I dislike them and enjoy seeing what a terrible bullet I dodged or how terrible they look these days.

I wouldn't be upset at his puppy dog behaviour toward her too. That is how it started with my ex-husband the excessive liking women online and then chatting them up and then eventually cheating on me.

Do you bring in the most income?