Is this abuse or just bad relationship?

[thelonelyoneagain]

Hi all
I broke up with my fiance a couple months ago (he had a one night stand). I have been reflecting on the relationship me and him had over the past 8 and a bit years.

The short of it is. He never did anything at home.

I have always been independant and done things for myself and others be it, cooking dinner or fixing the plumbing. My parents always raised me to do things regardless of old sterotypes like "mens jobs" or "womens jobs".

My fiance though never did anything at all. He hardly ever cooked. When he did it was because he had some big great idea of a meal he had seen somewhere and wanted to try cooking it. So the occasion he did it would basically be because it was interesting and never lasted. He hardly ever did any cleaning be it the laundry or even washing up. He wouldnt even empty a bin or throw his rubbish in one to begin with.

I don't want to get all up in some battle of the sexes with people saying "that's men for you" and such as I think we should be living beoyond these times. I think anyone should be able to clean up even in a limited fashion behind themselves or pop a wash on now and then even if it is not their greatest strength or skill.

So over the years it became a point of tension between us. He would do almost nothing at all. Wouldn't even clean his work uniform himself once a week which needed to go in a seperate wash. If I didn't do it he would literally wait till 8am Monday morning.. realise he had nothing or hardly nothing clean forcing my hand to have to clean it in his absense.

I have suffered a lot with mental health issues like depression. And although that was never his fault (it predated him) I always felt he was hindering my recovery. I spent so much time having be the only one cooking/cleaning etc that I felt so exhausted all the time.

Every couple months it would get the better of me and I would talk to him and complain/moan/exclaim how he does nothing to help. I tried talking and discussing it with him over the years. Tried to get him involved naturally into doing things but nothing helped.

So the last couple years in particular I was more vocal about how much it was hurting me to have to carry everything at home alone. I know he worked a 9-5 and stuff and I was at home all the time because of my healh. But I felt like he should have done more than nothing at home to help.

I couldn't remember the last time he did anything to cook for me or clear anytning up behind me as a help. I think I would have celebrated had he done something as simple as loaded the dishwasher a couple nights a week and turned it on.

But nothing. Except for when there was a novelty factor to it. Like he got new work uniforms and wanted to be the one to wash them for the first time as they were all brand new fresh and stuff. And those moments were months and months apart

He would even make mess everyday and not clean up behind himself. Crisp packets just left on the coffee table to magic themselves into the bin. All kinds of mess. Cotton buds, used tissues you name it. Just left there assuming it would clear itself up or not considered at all.

I know he knew it was hurting me to carry it all. I told him all the time the extra weight it put on me emotionally was hindering my recovery..not that he was to blame for my illness.. but that it was holding be back from finding a meaningful recovery from my condition.

I just wanted to know really. Was this abusive on his part? I am not looking to go label him and accuse him or anything. He is in my past now. But I want to understand what was what so that if I did make a mistake I don't repeat it in the future.

Thanks

Well in a way it was abusive because he point blank refused to co-operate with you, but it seems to me that he was the laziest, most useless good-for-nothing fucker on the planet.

I don't think it's abuse per se but I certainly wouldn't be getting into a relationship with anyone like this. You deserve better.

I wouldn’t necessarily say he was abusive. He absolutely was a useless, uncaring, lazy, cheating man child. You are infinitely better off without him dragging you down.

Take some time to heal, to re-establish your self-worth and set yourself some higher relationship standards for your future partner. You deserve to find a man who is sufficiently worthy to receive your energy, time, respect and love. Don’t let this loser have you believing otherwise!

I don't think it was abusive. He just didn't give a shit about you and showed you that by the sound of things right from the moment you moved in together.

The problem was that you accepted it. You saw that this man had no interest in pulling his weight, of being an equal partner, or of making your life easier, and you just shrugged your shoulders and decided you'd put up with him.

It took him cheating before you actually decided you need to leave him.

Thats what you need to focus on. His behaviour isn't different based on whether or not it could be classed as abusive. What you need to work out is why you put up with it for as long as you did, and how to stop yourself from doing that in the future.

Not abusive but a lazy wanker who got away with it because you let him I’m afraid. Why did you clean his uniforms for him? There’s being the default person because you’re not out, there’s a trade off, and then there’s a partner who takes the piss. I’m afraid you had one of those. I’m in a traditional role of SAHM but my DH never takes it for granted if I can’t do something he will pitch in and he certainly doesn’t expect it, he recognises it’s a perk for him that our situation means he generally doesn’t have to deal with the boring stuff but if I was back in work he would be expected to do more. He certainly wouldn’t get a free ride but nor would he expect one.

It’s hard to say whether it is abuse or not but what is very clear is that you have done the right thing to leave him. Well done!

How did he react when you asked him to clear up his own mess? My abusive ex used to pretend I didn’t exist and hadn’t said anything.

If I tried to have a more general conversation, along the lines of ‘we need to share out the work more equally’ be would lay into me, saying I was nagging and that I never did any DIY….. well durrrr that was because I was doing 100% of the housework, cooking and childcare…..and it wasn’t true anyway because I did the decorating.

I don't think that's abusive, but it doesn't need to be abuse to be unacceptably shitty behaviour and reason to end things.

I mean I’d argue that staying with someone you have contempt for and treating them like a skivy even when it breaks their heart is abuse, of course. It’s death by a thousand cuts when the person who should save you, pauses to look at you, shrugs and gives you more laundry.

And yes whilst some people can be oblivious or a little selfish, if your partner is suffering, you change. You try to fix it because you don’t want them to suffer. It’s not love, it’s basic human decency.

Men are grown adults. And if he plays into the sexist idea that housework is women’s work, he does MEN a disservice too because it implies they are all lazy, selfish and incapable. He’s not stupid. If he was, telling him he is messing up the first time would have resolved this issue. He is just an asshole who thinks you are his maid. And who doesn’t care about your feelings.

Worst case scenario, he actually likes you broken and exhausted as he thinks you’ll be less likely to leave.

So yes, it’s abuse. If we assume that he is a grown man without any mental incapacitation. It could be the later of course. But he’d have to be pretty mentally messed up if you had to explain to him over and over for years and he still didn’t “get it” don’t you think? It’s unlikely that’s the case.

Thankfully you're out of it now, if nothing else you can take a lot of lessons from this one and make sure you don't allow someone to treat you that way again

Whenever I tried to talk about the problem and explain I needed him to help and be proactive with things. He would just give me the " i know i know" routine. Im not one for wanting to fight but it didn't matter if I asked, told, criee about it the same always happend. Nothing

I tried to leave him a couple times over the years because of how it was. But he would just get upset. Beg and beg that he would change and do better until I felt bad and backed down.

It would also cause friction in other times. He would be at work, and i would discover some little area he had just turned to a health hazard with rubbish and such. I couldnt sit there all day waiting to tell him so I would message and say "i cant keep doing this cleaning this mess up all the time". Or soemtimes he would go out with his mates and i would he left with loads of mess. Instead of wanting to spoil his time with jis mates I would wait until he came home to talk about it. He would then in both those situations say I was getting on at him all the time and that he felt harrased about it to the point of saying that I was being abusive toward him over it all.

I just didn't know what to do. And after years I just couldn't find a big pile of mess I had to deal with and then keep it bottled up for several hours until he came home.

When you are in a healthy partnership where there is balance and sharing of responsibilities, you feel energised and excited about the future so it makes sense his energy and behaviours added to your depression. Hope you feel lighter without this dead weight. Such disrespectful and ridiculous behaviour from a grown man!

Not abuse. But be very careful going forwards with regards to your low self esteem. Predators sense it a mile off.

It certainly sounds like you were taken advantage of. Was this man contributing much to the shared property?

The problem is is just like he managed down your expectations, patriarchy has managed down our expectations too so we think - oh it’s not abuse he was just incompetent and not listening blah blah..

No, you literally cried to him about the issue and he continued to do the behaviour that was hurting you.

Thats abuse.

Grown men are not children. If you say, “hey I need you to do more in the home” they KNOW what that means. And we need to stop acting like they don’t.

And you even got to the point where you cried in frustration and not only that, he turned your calling out his bad behaviour round on you to try gaslight you into thinking asking for him to behave with basic human decency, was “controlling” - of course that’s abuse!

We are so hardwired to make excuses for men which are actually ironically quite misandrist: “oh he just doesn’t understand my frustration”, “oh he just doesn’t see the mess like I do”. Bullshit! He just doesn’t care. And he lets you think you want too much. He’d rather you were broken than him, inconvenienced.

Thats abuse. And it’s so common that so many of us excuse it for far too long.

If my partner came to me crying about how I hadn’t been hearing them about how I didn’t do enough around the home and they were exhausted as a result - I’d be fucking mortified. I’d be raging at myself for hurting them like that and I’d pull my finger out of my ass and commit to doing more of my share. Because decent human beings realise when they’ve fucked up. And they don’t repeat the behaviour that hurts their partner.