My boyfriend says I need to work on myself to save our relationship, but I don’t know how

[Judy35]

Please bear with me because I’m really struggling mentally. I also want genuine advice because I don’t want to end the relationship nor do I want to be told that he’s the problem because he’s not caused this. Genuine advice please!

Partner and I been together nearly four years and have always had a really good relationship. We were talking about buying a house and getting engaged, but over the last few months my mental health and self-esteem seem to have plummeted. I have no idea why (I’ve had my bloods checked and awaiting results; I’ve also been bloated non stop and investigations are happening).

Not only this, I’ve become increasingly anxious about our relationship, constantly overthinking things, making assumptions about how he feels and seeking reassurance. This only helps temporarily, and I end up repeating the same patterns.
Self fulfilling prophecy at its best because I now see in hindsight that things were amazing and I was worried about nothing!

My partner has reached a point where he feels exhausted and unhappy. He says he feels for months he’s been scrutinised and watched with a microscope, and that my behaviour has changed. He said my personality has changed and he doesn’t want to be with that person.

He still wants to be with me because he believes I can be back to my old self, but he says apologies aren’t enough anymore and he needs to see genuine effort. We’ve paused our house plans, and I’m terrified I’ve damaged something that was once really special.

He’s told me I need to focus on myself and stop worrying so much about the relationship. I genuinely want to, because I don’t want to keep feeling this way either, but I honestly don’t know where to start. My mental health has been getting worse, and I can’t pinpoint why. And I agree, my personality has changed and my head feels scrambled every single day. I am already in therapy.
I asked what he needs to see and he said I need to figure it out for myself.

I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who’s been in a similar position and what practical things helped them.

Go and see your GP to work out what you can do to alleviate your anxiety

I have been and they referred me for therapy though I am already getting some through work.
thinking of trialling antidepressants again I have been on some in the past

because you’re feeling low and have low self esteem you’re looking for your bf for validation to feel good which of course will make him feel exhausted to make you feel better

but it will never end as it most likely will never feel good enlhgh

He’s right you do need to work on yourself. Spend time with friends, gym, eat well , figure out how he makes you feel , is he actually the right guy for you? Has something happened in the past?
if not, then focus on you.

write out :
self esteem
money
friendships
diet
exercise
spiritually
career

each box, write out what you need to do to change and improve

then put these in order from easiest to hardest for each one.

then start with easiest this week. ( bit of cognitive behavioural therapy) x

Thank you that’s a kind response. I can honestly say he makes me feel great and it’s only been the last few months I’ve noticed my whole mental health plummet.

I am currently in the early stages of CBT and realised I have every cognitive distortion under the sun lol.
I really do try and do things for myself, I go to some gym classes, try and run, just got a new job etc but I never feel fulfilled or happy. My brain is always on overdrive and anytime I spend in my own I over think

Are you ok any hormonal birth control? Sounds a bit strange that these issues have suddenly stared so wondering if there could be some medication causing this.
are you sure he is not causing any of these issues eg is he isolating you from friends etc? Or has anything else in your life changed?

If you’re anxious in a relationship there is usually a reason for it. Whether or not it’s the relationship, or you’re displacing anxiety from elsewhere in life into your relationship - only you can tell.

Has anything at all happened, or changed, that you think might have affected you?

I don’t know you and I’m only speaking from my own experience here, but my gut feelings have always been valid. If something feels wrong or worrying in a relationship, there has always been a reason.

No new medication but I have been very bloated the last few months snd having investigations. They think I may have endometriosis and I am awaiting a laparoscopy.

My bf is lovely and he’s always been fully supportive of me spending time with friends etc. and genuinely I think he wants the best for me

Hey OP, sorry you’re having such a tough time. It would help to know how old you both are and what exactly you’re seeking reassurance about. Is it about getting the ball rolling on buying a house, asking whether he wants kids, or something else? And what has his response been when you’ve brought these things up?

Coming up to five years together, I think most women would reasonably expect to see some movement on the big life decisions by now, rather than just being given platitudes. So, if that’s the kind of reassurance you’re looking for, I actually don’t think you’re in the wrong for wanting some clarity and concrete action.

On the other hand, if you’re constantly asking for reassurance about other women, whether he finds you attractive, or things along those lines, then I can see how that might get exhausting over time if you’re in an otherwise loving relationship.

If you’ve had your bloodwork checked, everything has come back fine and you can’t pinpoint anything else that might be contributing to how you’re feeling, then I’d be inclined to listen to your gut. Sometimes you pick up on things subconsciously before you can actually put your finger on what’s wrong. tbh, I think your gut is rarely wrong. It might be worth taking a step back and asking yourself whether you’re seeking reassurance because of your own insecurities or because something in the relationship genuinely isn’t sitting right with you.

What do you specifically think about tho?
boyfriend?
I used to be like this with father of my son (I’m a psychologist)
but I’m out of it now and realised he didn’t meet my emotional needs/ was hard emotionally and it made me really insecure

I have a child now and I don’t have time to feel that way and 10000% more confident

how old are you?

what used to make you feel good?
Are you always together? Feeling bored with life and waiting for him to make it feel good / you?

Agree with pp re a GP appointment and see if your NHS Trust offers self referral for Talking Therapies. I’ve included the online link for my Trust. They offer CBT, EMDR and couples therapy for depression, but I think the treatment offered differs across different Trusts.

CBT may help you understand the triggers/root causes of your anxiety and self esteem issues, so you can look out for them and begin to change how you react when they arise.

It’s great to hear your partner has been open and honest with you about how this is affecting him and the relationship. That level of transparent communication will be really important as you go through the process of therapy.

Best of luck @Judy35 x

www.mhm.org.uk/talking-therapies-warrington

We’ve been working really hard to jointly save for a house after going travelling and admittedly coming back with nothing lol! We rent a lovely flat together and we have a lovely kitten. We are both very excited for our future and we agreed to buy a house first before doing anything else and we’re not far off at all.
He tells me every day he loves me and he can’t wait for the future.

So I don’t feel unfulfilled in that sense. I just genuinely feel like my whole head has changed and I just feel scrambled and weird

That all sounds fine, and in that case, I think you need to prioritise self-care over the autumn and winter. I’m not discouraging therapy by any means, and absolutely look after yourself and listen to the professionals, but I do think there are times when constantly examining your mental health and analysing every feeling can end up making you feel like something is wrong, which in turn feeds the problem. I’ve had wonky mental health patches in the past where I’ve found that to be the case.

At least he’s been open with you, which is a positive. It’s also been a really long, hot, awful summer, and I think it’s had a negative effect on a lot of people’s mental health, so don’t underestimate the impact that things like exhaustion, poor sleep and stress can have on you.

In terms of the relationship anxiety, I’d try to focus on getting yourself back to feeling good in yourself. Make time for things you enjoy, see your friends, get outside, exercise, get enough sleep and do things that make you feel good outside the relationship.

When you feel that urge to seek reassurance from
him, try sitting with the feeling a little while rather than immediately acting on it. Ask yourself whether something has actually happened to trigger it or whether it’s a random fear popped into your head? You don’t have to treat every anxious thought as something that needs investigating. In the meantime, if you don’t already, try journaling your feelings rather than using your DP as a sounding board. Xx

How can he tell you he loves you every day and also say he's exhausted unhappy and doesn't want to be with 'that person'? I'm sorry but I think he has changed his opinion about getting engaged and buying a house together and is blaming it on you or how you have changed. I don't think he is as nice as you think.

OP
You sound anxiously attached.
Get yourself a copy of The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle (yes even if not married). Listen to the podcast. Get straight into what she describes Self Care and Relinquishing Control. See where this takes you.
Also, listen to podcasts about anxious attachment style and how to resolve it.
You can do this.

Also: listen to Feeling Good by Dr David Burns. Specifically older episodes on relationship anxiety. The technique is called TEAM CBT and is highly effective.
These resources are free but you must invest time.

I'm in two minds about this. I've been in your exact position and my boyfriend (now husband) NEVER said anything like this. He stuck with me and supported me through it all. There were times he asked if I could talk to others as well as him, so he wasn't holding the burden of all of my crap, but he never demanded I get my shit together otherwise the relationship would be done... if this was occurring 10 years down then line after marriage and kids, would he react the same?

Get yourself better but FOR YOU, not him. Then decide if you still want him around after what he has said.

Seems quite a sudden change, I'd focus on getting to the bottom of it medically if I were you.

And tell him you are, and ask him to bear with you.

It sounds like you’ve just had quite a few changes in a short period of time- coming back from travelling, new job, new kitten, considering a new house. You’re probably unsettled and worried about “settling down” and projecting that onto your partner. My suggestions to try would be
1). Sleep. Are you getting enough and good quality? Fix anything that’s getting in the way of good sleep - try new bedding, blinds, sun lamp for the morning ect.
2). Alcohol. It really feeds anxiety, so I’d recommend a complete break from drinking until you have this nailed.
3). Work. New roles can be really stressful, have a good think about what may be making you anxious there and use your work therapy to see if you can work through it. If you are management delegate lots, trust your team and avoid micromanaging.
4). Medication can be really helpful to get time and space for other interventions to work
5) Self care. Protect time alone to do things that feel good to take care of yourself. Don’t force loads of exercise if you hate it, it may be time for nails, hair, long bath, reading a book or whatever.
6) Relationship. You say he’s great and I’m taking that at face value. But as you work on other things it may become clear that the anxiety is actually about settling down with him. Just take the time to have some honest thinking about what you want from life and your relationship.

Good luck, it sounds like he is willing to give you some time if he sees you working on it.

Sorry if this has been asked already but how old are you OP? Could this be perimenopause starting? I only ask as you mentioned the bloating and I had that as I began peri..along with a total change in personality ...

@PineConeOrDogPoo , @Mysteise , really constructive feedback, thank you. I suffer similarly to OP and ruminating on comments made by DP (especially some made 18 month ago!!!).

Ruminating and catasrophising are very difficult cycles to break out of.

@Judy35 , have you bought somewhere with someone previously - it's a massive commitment and you could be worried about the responsibility. Your DP sound very supportive. Try not to second guess, glances or silences from your DP and what's on his mind, have faith that he's got your back.

@Judy35 in one situation where this happened, it turned out the woman had grown up in a very high -conflict household and once she felt safe, the desperate distress she'd buried came out in a similar way to your situation.

She was her and you are you, it might be entirely different situations. But could this fear of losing him come from an old loss?

In practical terms, if you're going to therapy then Im afraid that until this is worked through, there might be times you have to keep your insecurity to yourself. Not all the time - you cant stop bring yourself!- but keep some of it for the therapy room.