Marriage struggles – feeling really sad

[tabbycat19]

Marriage struggles – feeling really sad and lost
I’m not entirely sure what I’m hoping to get from posting, perhaps just some support or perspective.
My husband and I have had two arguments this weekend while we’re away on a family holiday with our children, and I’m feeling really sad about it all.
On Friday morning, he’d had a poor night’s sleep and was quite surly. I found myself getting increasingly irritated because when he’s in a bad mood, it often feels directed at me. Whether that’s actually the case or just a reflection of our relationship dynamic, I’m not sure.
Things escalated, he started shouting and ended up throwing a sandwich on the floor. I told him to grow up. We haven’t really discussed it since, although there’s been an undercurrent of tension despite him seeming happier.
Today, we argued again at lunch. The children were climbing all over me, completely ignoring my repeated requests to stop, while my husband just sat there making very little effort to intervene. I felt completely unsupported and increasingly frustrated.
When we got back, I said that things just aren’t sustainable as they are. We both acknowledged that we’re unhappy and talked about needing to find a way out of the situation with as little impact on the children as possible.
There’s a long history of relationship difficulties and poor communication between us. We seem to have reached a point where neither of us feels particularly happy, but we don’t seem able to find a way to make things better either.
I’m just feeling incredibly sad. This isn’t how I imagined our family holiday going, and certainly isn’t how I imagined our marriage would be.
I don’t really know whether we’re at the end of the road or whether we’re just two people who’ve become so disconnected that everything turns into an argument.
Has anyone been in a similar position and managed to turn things around? Or reached a point where they realised it was time to separate?

We've been there and it's getting better. Still hard at times.
I really recommend seeing a marriage/relationship therapist, especially if the main issue is communication. Don't just stick with the first one you try. Some are brilliant, some are not.

Men often do this. Sort of emotionally ‘check out’ of their family while remaining physically present and doing their bare minimum ‘duties’ so they can claim they’re still living up to their responsibilities. But they do them in a really miserable and begrudging way.

Sadly this does tend to be a pattern in middle aged men - is he 40 plus? - almost like they reach a point in life where they realise they’re now not going to be prioritised by either their mum or their girlfriend, and other women aren’t really interested. They resent their responsibilities and act all downtrodden even though the wife is doing more than them. Put in short, they don’t get much joy from family life because they’re selfish and resent their duties.

DH can be a bit like this but it’s on and off and usually fairly fleeting. I have no good advice though xx

Thank you. We’ve seen a therapist previously at my insistence due to a previous alcohol issue of DH.

Im not saying it’s all him. I get pissed off at feeling like I don’t count and feeling lonely and ignored at time. He feels the same. He’s a good dad and does arrange stuff for us as a couple. There’s so much history between us though that I do feel it’s hard to not feel old stuff coming up when we argue

How many DC do you have? How old are they?

Raising tiny children can feel utterly relentless. Ours are 3 and almost 1. DH and I have had long periods of time where we do not feel remotely like a couple, we're just people who live together and are trying desperately to pay the bills and keep our kids fed and well. We don't have a village. We're both exhausted ALL the time, it's just varying levels of exhaustion.

And imo holidays make everything 100 times fucking worse! 😂 Getting ready to go, travelling, kids not sleeping in a new place, trying to eat out, or cook in a weird kitchen, forgetting stuff you need, inevitably not getting anything resembling a break. It is so, so hard. And we argue a lot more when we're particularly shattered.

I don't think arguing and someone throwing a sandwich on the floor is grounds to separate unless there's a huge backstory? What's he like usually? What was he like before you had kids? Do you still care about him, have a laugh, have sex? Is he cruel to you?

Can you carve out some time on this holiday so you both get some rest, and the other takes the kids off to do something? Just a couple of hours break each might help you both feel a lot better.

He’s actually a very conscientious dad to be fair to him. I feel Im surplus to requirements a lot of the time and he’d be happier just him and the kids. He says I make him feel on edge

Our children are 7/9. When we’re okay we’re okay and when we’re not it’s like a Cold War. It feels like we swing a lot between the two.

life together feels hard and I’m not sure if there’s enough love left to continue. Together 15 years and married for 10.

Does he arrange their birthday parties? Remind you about parents evening? Does he realise when the kids shoes are too small? Or is he just ‘watching’ them when you ask and opening the odd yoghurt?

@ExtraHotDoubleShotyes he does - I’d have to give him 10/10 for the kids. Nothing is ever too much for them

I assume you have very young children (from the "climbing all over you") comment. I have three DC, and when they were little DH and I went through a bad patch. All the usual stuff - tired, not enough quality time together, bickering about silly things. Anyway we came through it and now the DC are teens / early 20s and we're still together and really happy. It's hard with young kids. Don't give up too soon OP.

How old are your children? Why were they climbing all over you when you had told them to stop? Could it be a discipline issue? Combined with exhaustion?

Hmm ok cross post - I had assumed your children were younger than that. Tbh I think at that age I'd expect you to be able to tell them to stop and not need DH to intervene.

DC 7/9 and excitable. I’m stricter and DH just lets them get on with it. As a result I’m more inclined to tell them off and he says he won’t “constantly” correct them and he doesn’t think it’s a big deal

I don’t think that’s the point tbh if one parent is struggling the other should step in properly. I think theyi pick up behaviour like ignoring me etc. from him

I’m also perimenopausal if that has any bearing 😑

Yes, hes lazy and doesn’t want to parent while simultaneously looking like a ‘great relaxed dad’. I’m familiar with the dynamic.

Is he still drinking?

I don’t think he’s lazy per se but is lazy when it comes to me. My discomfort doesn’t count almost if that makes sense?
it’s very much him and the kids are a team and I’m a unwanted add on in the dynamic

No drinking. He’s done very well

I’ve supported him though so much drinking, bereavement etc. but I get the sense that whenever there’s an issue it’s always me at fault

Maybe your gut instinct is right and he does prefer just him and the kids.

Sounds like your marriage is not going how you want it to and have communicated this. Not sure what you do next. Splitting is very hard both emotionally and financially.

It’s hard being Bad Cop OP. Could you take the hat off while the children are young? Also when your husband appears to be in a foul mood, ask him why. It’s really hard not assume it’s something you’ve done/it’s because of you. By calling out his control/defensive mechanism, he can’t use it anymore X

If your marriage problem is poor communication as it appears, you can work on things.

Every time there's an argument or fight, once the kids are in bed - sit down with your husband and talk. For instance discuss why and how it got the point your husband threw a sandwich on the floor.

I mean talk about the feelings, distractions and or frustrations that all led to the incident. Try to see things from the others perspective and discuss how you will both move forward from it all.

I did this with my ex - husband and it worked; would end up with either one of us or both apologising and feeling better about the situation.

Seems like you need to reconnect! Is there any way you could leave the kids with someone and go away for a weekend? Family holidays can be more stressful than staying home. You’re doing exactly the same things, just in a different location, but somehow with higher expectations of having fun!

We have two kids and I’m pregnant with our third. I literally just told my husband that I feel like we’re becoming roommates. He understands, but I think he struggles to know what to do about it.

We can’t go away because we have no help with the kids, but we’ve decided to take a day off work and go to the cinema and for lunch at a restaurant we’ve wanted to try for ages. It’s a small thing, but I think we need more of these little moments together before we forget we’re actually a couple.

Since you share children, it's worth trying again with a marriage therapist. You can also pick up some books to read together on couples communication and read articles on how to emotionally reconnect with a partner. The best way to change another's behavior is to change your own, so perhaps get out of the same loop and respond/react/behave far differently than you're used to.

At least if you wind up calling it quits, that you pulled out all the stops before doing so.

I'd address doing all this reading and trying new things is because you love him and want things to improve, even if in your mind you're faking that sentiment until it becomes reality. I suggest some non-sexual regular touching, like giving each other back/foot rubs while watching TV or listening to music. Write him a note, complimenting him on something, like how he's a good dad, or something else you appreciate about him. Pick up something from the store he especially likes, like candy or a pastry, etc. Perhaps when you begin those little niceties, he'll respond positively and do the same for you. And then when some affection is built back, maybe he'll be more receptive for discussions like the differences in your parenting styles. Would be good to come to a consensus where he could have your back under certain circumstances and you could lighten up in some areas.

Marriages are like plants. If you don't tend to them, they'll die. Good luck.

OP
I did turn my marriage around but it took some serious effort.

What helped

1/A very good counsellor we saw together for 12 sessions (both of you MUST LIKE the person)

2/ The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle. Listen to the podcast. Get straight into what she describes Self Care and Relinquishing Control. See where this takes you.

3/ Feeling Good podcast by Dr David Burns (listening and practice rhe techniques)

4/ Imago Relationship based ideas (Harville Hendrix), the website I liked the most was this one, listen to his Interviews and Map Of Relationships.

https://www.alturtle.com/

5/ Following John Gottmans advice

My husband worked with me on studying or participating 1/ 3/ and 4/. He copies 5/ and 3/ in some ways when I model it. It all helps. It did take some lifestyle changes as well to working hours (more downtime) and lots of practice reprogramming behaviours.

Chat GPT or AI chat can analyse and pinpoint areas you are tripping up on an event by event basis and allow you to do or request a targetted repair.