Relationship with parents

[LFlynn91]

Hi all. Looking for some advice on my relationship with my parents.
I am 34 and live with my partner, we are expecting our first baby. Maybe being pregnant has got me reflecting on what is important in life.
I grew up with my mum and dad, and younger brother. I would say we are a normal family, not overly close but I guess no major issues. Always got on with my dad more than my mum. I wish in a way we were a closer family, there has never been a lot of hugs or emotional sentiment. I don’t know why but it just makes me feel awkward because it isn’t what we do.
I know deep down my parents are good people and love us and would do anything for us but I feel a lot of sadness, worry and resentment.
My parents have always been bad with money and we grew up with debt and financial stress despite my dad having a very good well paying job. Don’t get me wrong, I’m lucky as we never went without but I just feel like we carried a lot of their worry as discussions were around us.
In 2016 my parents sold their home to be able to pay off their debts and since then they have rented. There was a good few years where things were happy and stress free but slowly over the last few years the debt has crept back up and now they are in major debt again. This causes my dad to be very moody and depressed. My mum has never really worked so it’s all on my dad. Mum puts on more of a brave face but it’s still exhausting. I don’t enjoy going round there anymore as they are always grumpy. The only time we would ever go for dinner or do something, me and my partner will have to pay or get the dinner in.
A year ago my dad was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer and he was extremely unwell and it was very touch and go. Both my parents are smokers, very heavy too. My mum also has COPD. My dad briefly stopped smoking during chemo and surgery but has now started smoking again. I’m so bloody angry, sad and disappointed. I don’t smoke and I know it is hard but I don’t know what more of a reason than nearly dying or cancer there is. I know my dad is the one who went through cancer but as a family we also went through it.
My dad’s dad (grandad) died recently so there has also been stress due to this. My dad is set to inherit some money, about 400k. He wasn’t particular close to his parents and didn’t make much effort but understandably he is upset. He is even more grumpy than usual but I feel like truthfully it’s only because he cares about the money and the fact it will help him sort debt and perhaps get him and mum a house as obviously they can’t rent forever.
Nothing has explicitly happened but I just feel so sad and exhausted by their money worries. Unless I make the effort or pay for things I wouldn’t see them. I’ve told them I really want them to stop smoking and that when my baby is born I’m going to be very strict about who holds them and I’ve said all the while they are smoking I don’t want them holding the baby. My mum says I am unfair? Also at my grandads funeral, my mum and dad were talking about spending the inheritance and I just feel like they can be so selfish, even though I know they would help with the baby and do so much.
How do I stop feeling so much sadness, worry and resentment?

Your parents are utterly selfish. Do they drink as well? It's painful watching someone destroy themselves both physically and financially, but you don't have to do that, you can remove yourself, you don't owe them an audience. And it would also be fine for you to say that.

Thing is, your parents are always your parents and you're always their child. It doesn't matter whether you're 10, 20, 30 or 40. You still get to be their child and they should still step up as if they're actual parents. If that's not possible, then neither is a relationship unfortunately.

I think the key thing here is to accept your parents for who they are and not wish them to be something they're not. Why set yourself up for disappointment? You're not a child any more and you obviously realise that they're not going to change now.

If they are feckless with money and they squander their inheritance, that's their problem to sort, not yours. They have survived this long being bad with money and they will continue to survive. It's not your job to fix them.

Stop spending money on meals out with them if you want to. Invite them to yours for a meal or just tea and cake. Spend time with them and try and steer the conversation onto happy and easy subjects - don't get bogged down in their problems. If your dad is grumpy, keep visits short and leave them to it.

I think it's a bit unfair to say that they can't hold your baby because they are smokers. I think it's reasonable to ask them to wash their hands and obviously not smoke around the baby.

They have long standing debt issues but can afford to smoke? And your mother has never worked? Why not?

I would struggle to sympathise and wouldn’t be bankrolling them for anything.