Would you leave your husband if he was unemployed and wasn't making an effort to find a job?

[ForFairAzureSquid]

Let's say your husband lost his job in tech or a similar field, either because he was laid off, fired for poor performance, or for some other reason. The job market is really tough and competitive at the moment, especially in tech.

He has a few years of experience in his field and a decent amount of savings, so you understand if he wants to take a break for a while. Eventually, he starts applying for jobs in his field but keeps getting rejected, despite trying.

The problem is that he doesn't seem to be doing anything else with his time. He spends most of the day watching TV or scrolling on his phone and doesn't help much around the house either. He doesn't really clean, do the dishes, or help his wife with everyday tasks.

His savings are gradually running out, but he refuses to consider other jobs, such as delivery driving, retail, or other temporary work. He believes those jobs are beneath him because he already has a career and doesn't want his friends or acquaintances to look down on him for doing them.

Meanwhile, he's receiving government benefits to help cover his living expenses, depending on which country he lives in.

His wife is now worried about their financial future, especially since he doesn't seem willing to take responsibility or contribute much to their household.

Would you consider leaving your husband in this situation?

Would your answer change if he was genuinely trying to find a job in his field but had no luck, versus refusing to take any other job because he thinks he's overqualified for it?

At what point would you feel that enough is enough? Is unemployment itself the problem, or is it the lack of effort, responsibility, and willingness to compromise?

I think that has to be your question to yourself really, because if dh lost his job id say eff it you’ve worked hard, life is tough, we’ll cut back and live on my wage (even though this isn’t possible and he’s a workaholic so it wouldn’t happen). If I did it he’d dump me because of my lack of drive. I know deep down he would. Neither answer is wrong (although I’m irrationally angry right now that this would be the way it would go😉😅)

Assuming he is not depressed, if he wasn't trying to find work or willing to accept a lower paid position then I would consider leaving.

I would not agree to joint savings being used to support him if he wasn't making any effort at all. I would expect him to be applying for as many jobs as reasonably possible.

The stress of supporting a family on one wage whilst he ''checked out' would be too much.

That's a difficult question to answer. Losing your job in a field you've invested a major portion of your life in can feel catastrophic. And taking a menial job outside of that field will feel like you're just giving up on the future you've worked for, which is a uniquely damaging thing to go through.

At the same time, while having downtime is important, being trapped in a depression cycle where you're wasting time on things that ultimately aren't helping you is a problem.

I wouldn't be considering leaving someone good over it, but I'd be doing everything I could to stop the decline.

I was laid off earlier this year (from a job in tech) I spent almost all day every day applying for jobs. I tailored my cab for each application. If I hadn’t found a role within a certain time frame I would have used some of my redundancy to get a certification that would add to my cv. I landed a great role in about 6 weeks. (Female, mid 50’s)

The longer he’s out of work the less attractive he seems to employers.

But yes, I’d leave a low effort man who was more concerned with what others thought than what his spouse was dealing with.

I’d be concerned about depression and would want him checked for that first.

If no depression, I’d certainly consider leaving if he was being useless. If he was fantastic doing all the house stuff at least, I’d cut him some slack. But gaming and tv watching and doom scrolling, no thanks!

I think you need to provide more context.

For example how old this person is. There is no denying that it is a difficult job market at the moment and it is even harder to find a new job once you get to your 50s for example.

Also losing your job and being constantly rejected is hard on someone's mental health.

That said, I completely understand that sitting on the sofa all day looking at a phone or the TV is not going to help.

Rather than thinking about leaving, I would first start with an honest conversation and looking at whether the person has got depressed and/or lost self confidence and suggest they do more to improve their situation, like volunteering, exercising/being more active to improve their mental health and looking at temp jobs, self-employment, jobs in different fields or even retraining to widen their search.

Well, if you happen to be my sil, I wouldn't blame you one bit.

I’m just gonna leave this here… xD

No, I wouldn’t, mainly because I’m the breadwinner by a long way and, bluntly, his loss of income would not have much impact on our lifestyle. I love having him around, job or no job, and leaving him while he’s job hunting in a dogshit labour market would be kicking him while he’s down.

I’d expect more help around the house though, definitely, and would make it clear if I thought he wasn’t pulling his weight. But I do that anyway - I’ve never been a doormat in my relationship.

I would leave but not due to being unemployed. Due to his (/her if reversed) behaviour while unemployed. A) thinking earning a living in any other field is 'beneath you' and using up savings that would be super important in the future for you both i.e. do that when single not in a partnership, and B) for refusing to help around the house and demonstrating their attitude when not working. What happens if you have children or a similar situation occurs again? This behaviour speaks volumes to their character and it would make me lose any attraction to them.

I wouldn't leave. It's a for better or worse commitment, and I have unconditional love for him.

I would try and find out if he was depressed. I would also encourage him to look into consulting or turning a passion into a business if he wasn't keen on other avenues of employment.

If all else failed, I'd find a way to cut back and make do.

Having said that, I make enough money for us both to live on, so it would be a sacrifice I could afford to make. It may be different if we genuinely needed both salaries to keep our home.

I think it depends. He sounds pretty idle and unattractive from what you've written and not pulling his weight in any way. It's one thing to not be able to contribute financially - it's another to not step up and do more in other ways.

DH had to stop work early for health reasons, which was fine as I was the main breadwinner and we coped. He took over with house and kids though, doing the cooking, laundry, cleaning and running DC places as well as the normal DIY stuff that he used to do.

He also took a temporary delivery job for a while for a couple of nights a week. He just couldn't continue in his previous career which was very physical.

I'd be leaving him anyway if he wasn't doing any housework.

Same.
I can’t tolerate laziness. Not that it gives me the ick or I find it unattractive - I just wouldn’t tolerate it. For a week, let alone an extended period of time.

No I can’t see I would but we would probably need to downsize and cut back

I wouldn’t. It could happen to anyone. I would encourage him to seek professional help.

Those of you giving him a pass if depression. How long would you let this run for before you had enough?

I’d insist he needed to do more around the house.

The job market is truly horrendous at the moment and AI is really affecting both the jobs available and the hiring process for the worst. So sympathy on that front. But it’s not an excuse to sit on your arse all day.

I don’t understand the bit about govt benefits.
You also don’t say if the wife is working or looking for work.

It depends on how much effort DH was putting in, on numerous fronts. Is he actively looking for work? Is he being a good team player around the house and stepping uo there? Is he realistic about the state of household finances?

I was in wife’s position like that and it was the kick i needed to get divorced. We had other issues too.

I put up with this and now deeply regret it . He refused to even apply to jobs he considered beneath him and yet was content to live on benefits. So unattractive and I think he rendered himself unemployable. There was always " something in the pipeline" and yet nothing came of it . Very stressful as we had two youngish kids at the time and my earnings were pretty low .

For me I couldn't live with the YouTube and scrolling or not helping in the household. Agree about checking for depression and if it's depression, really focus on treatment.

But if it weren't for those things the rest would depend on age. 60 would be very different from 30. At 60 it would be so disheartening and there might not be time to retool, so yes benefits and volunteer activities and whatnot would work. And you're close to retirement. At 30? Need to chart a way through it with all priority and not render yourself unemployable. Same at 40, 50 really.

I would make his life so miserable delivering Amazon orders would be a relief