Son not sleeping straining relationship

[AMQ00004]

I wanted some advice. I have been dealing with my child who is not sleeping through the night. He’s 8, he has a turbulent relationship with his dad, and for so long it’s just been us, and he has slept in beside me. I have tried lots to get him to sleep in his own bed but in all honesty when it was just us I was often too exhausted and allows him to have the comfort.

I have been working on getting him to sleep in his own bed recently. My partner has been staying fairly consistently for the last few weeks, it’s been a gradual thing we’ve built up to. Every night, when my son wakes up I’ve been putting him back to his own bed. I’m not making much progress but I’m trying.

Tonight, my son came through again, at 2:30. My partner stormed down the stairs saying he would sleep down there. I was going to put my son back to his own bed but my partner took his quilt. Then I heard the tv on, so I went down the stairs to see if he was ok. He was in an awful mood, he told me he wasn’t staying until it’s resolved, that us looking for a house is on pause, then he cam up to my room, where my son was in bed, put the big light on, and got his clothes. I asked him what he was doing and he said “ he’s not sleeping anyway” and went on to tell me his son slept in his own bed at 8 and he won’t be staying until it’s resolved.

I’m really upset by his behaviour which feels out of character and felt quite aggressive. My son is now really upset. And I am at a loss and feel his anger has affected my son negatively.

Am I over reacting?

your son isn’t ready for this man to be staying over. This man isn’t ready for the reality of dating a woman with a child. Your next step is obvious.

Yeah. I think you’re right. Hard when I thought there was a future. I was getting my house valued next week, but I think he’s just shown his true colours.

Well I think that proves your partner isn’t compatible with living with a young child. I think he has a nerve to be getting angry tbh - he’s in your home ffs. He sounds like a walking red flag.

Wave this one goodbye. Cheeky fucker- it’s your house!

I think that you made a mistake allowing partner to stay when ds isn’t sleeping through yet. If he’s co-slept for 8 years then it was never going to be a quick fix.

I assume that partner isn’t a parent. Did he know that ds didn’t sleep through before staying the first time? He completely underestimated how tough broken sleep is. Even couples in good relationships struggle with broken sleep, I’m not surprised that he’d want to not stay because of it.

Saying that, his actions are far from ok. Shouting and kicking off isn’t going to help ds feel safe and have a good night’s sleep in the near future. You can’t live with a man who reacted like this over lack of sleep. How will he react when ds is a defiant teen pushing boundaries? Scary. If you want to date him then you can’t live together for ds’s sake.

I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who reacts like that.
He's an idiot.

Fair enough.

Your partner has called it as it is. He has put on his big boy shorts and pushed pause for the right reasons.

Once he is not staying there with you, try earnestly to settle your son into his own bed.

Only when DS is happily sleeping each night are you free to have overnight guests.

I think that you made a mistake allowing partner to stay when ds isn’t sleeping through yet. If he’s co-slept for 8 years then it was never going to be a quick fix.

Were you really expecting this man to co sleep with a child that isn’t biologically his?

Shouting and kicking off isn’t going to help ds feel safe and have a good night’s sleep in the near future. You can’t live with a man who reacted like this over lack of sleep. How will he react when ds is a defiant teen pushing boundaries? Scary. If you want to date him then you can’t live together for ds’s sake.

This

As scary as this man’s behaviour was, it was the kick up the backside you needed to wake you from sleepwalking into a situation that would have made everyone miserable.

The not sleeping is not the issue. We could have had a grown up discussion about it.

It’s the reaction of a 40 year old man, who is aware of the situation behaving the way he did. His reaction was not ok. Turning the light on in a room is where a child is sleeping out of anger is not ok. Threatening our future out of the blue, when he is aware of the situation is not ok.

He was fully aware of the situation. And the efforts I was making to resolve the issue. He also insisted on staying. He would never have co-slept and there was no expectation to. I was taking my son back to his bed, every single time he came in.

Ive been naive, absolutely. And you are 100% right! This has given me the kick up the arse! Thank you!

Yes 100% this. Big, big red flag. Please throw this one back OP - he's resentful of your son at 8, what will he be like when he's a teen?

I absolutely agree.

The forum has really helped. I did let him stay, at his insistence actually, but that was wrong.

i cannot have someone in my sons life like this.

thank you everyone, I really appreciate all the honest feedback xx

This man wants to put his needs above your sons (in your son’s home) and he wants you to do the same. It’s clearly too soon. Your son needs to see you choose him. You know this isn’t standard behaviour of an 8 year old, it’s going to take time and patience.

It really isnt normal for an 8 year old to be coming and getting in bed with their mum every night this is not a toddler, its a behavioural issue and one you absolutely need to get sorted and much more firmly.

While i dont think the guy should have shouted/got cross i can absolutely see why he was so annoyed, he was woken up in the middle of the night for no reason and a lot of people react badly when woken from a deep sleep.

OP you seem to think it was awful for him to turn on the light as it would disturb your sons sleep, why is that any more awful than your son waking up your partner by coming into the room?! And to some extent your partner was right if your son was awake enough to come from his own room to yours hes hardly sound asleep is he!!

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

However, I don’t agree at all with this. My son has been through a lot, including the breakdown of his parents relationship, a turbulent relationship with his father, several losses in his family and bullying due to a medical issue with his eye for which he has had two operations. I don’t think my son finding comfort by sleeping next to me is a behavioural issue. However, for my sons own independence, moving away from cosleeping is something I have been working towards. Which my partner was well aware off and despite this awareness insisted on staying.

When my son does come through in the night he is usually easily settled back into his own bed, as he is still half asleep. Turning the main light on at 2:30 in the morning, is bound to actively wake a half sleeping child up.

I believe my partners behaviour was unacceptable and it’s not something I will tolerate. Everyone gets frustrated when they are tired, but he should have discussed it with me as an adult and we could have continued to work together to resolve it, or he could have stayed at his own home whilst I resolve it, rather than creating a fuss, storming away and making a child feel like his was responsible.

I think your right. Eight is an important age for boys to work out what men should be all about, and when your asleep your vulnerable. I had lots of problems like this ar that age.

The way through is to make sure he feels safe. Everytime something bad happens it will reinforce that hes not safe. It'll take a lot of time for him to recover, but it can't be rushed. Encourage him to talk about his feelings.

Your partner is the problem.
Your child needs you. He's had a hard time with his own father and he wants his mum.
Put your child first.

RTFT.

Brilliant to see the child not a man being put first. Well done.

This man is not the one for you op.

Well done OP - as well as getting rid of a man who was only going to be bad news in future, you've shown your son that you're willing to stand up for him. He'll remember this and respect you for it for the rest of his life.

"His reaction was not ok. Turning the light on in a room is where a child is sleeping out of anger is not ok. Threatening our future out of the blue, when he is aware of the situation is not ok."

Exactly this. Hope you and your son are OK.

Absolutely normal for 8 year olds (esp those going through stuff) to wake up occasionally at night. My son did this a lot at this age (it suddenly fixed itself age 10), my daughter very rarely. Sometimes it would wind me up a bit, but never like that. Your partner is horrible. Because one child slept through, he expects all of them to. If possible, bin him.

I will add it continues to amaze me that on Mumsnet there are still loads of posters who because THEIR children didn't need any support, they consider it abnormal if another child is different.

My son had sleeping issues for ten years, we sought help, then it suddenly stopped overnight. Age, hormones, anxiety, who knows. I tend to find the world is made up of people whose children are perfect sleepers, and parents who have at least one bad sleeper. The former assume the latter are doing things wrong - only to be proved wrong if they go on to have another child who has exactly the same 'nurture' but acts differently.

Stay in a relationship with this man at your peril.

put your son first and end the relationship. Properly. He doesn’t get to tell you how to parent and it sounds like your son has had enough to contend with in his life already.

I think your son is very normal and your partner shouldn't be with someone with children