29, single, potentially infertile and panicking

[R232]

I’m almost 30 years old, recently out of a long term relationship (abusive, police involvement, completely traumatised by it all etc), diagnosed stage 4 endometriosis and adenomyosis, with damage to a fallopian tube. Completely panicking after a gynaecologist made a comment about “all these women leaving it too late and panicking at 30” and that “the next thing on my list should be to look for a sperm donor”

I am desperate to be a Mum and realise I am potentially running out of time, probably triggered by my 30th next month. If I have one more person say to me I should have done it younger when I was physically trying to survive I think I will lose my mind. I was bringing up the prospect of children from 25 but here we are.

Now faced with the dilemma. Do I risk it and see if I meet someone? If I meet them and tell them, they’ll run a mile won’t they?? Do I have kids with a donor (if it even works) and then accept that any future partner will probably still run a mile and I’ll be alone forever.

I have had counselling but honestly still become filled with dark thoughts at the prospect of it all. I resent my ex for stealing my best years, and to those who tell me that maybe I wasn’t meant to have children. It all seems so unfair - I’m not a smoker, drug user, don’t drink heavily etc :(

I would rathed be a single childless woman, than a single Mum. I am married with kids. You sound like you have been through an awful ordeal, I would focus on yourself and your future. I'm sorry you have had such a difficult time.

Ultimately you don’t sound in a great place to rush into things like sperm donors right now. Can you arrange an appointment to find out more about freezing your eggs?

The gynae was very insensitive to say that to you, and judgemental, by the sounds of it.

Only you know what's best for you, but I'd caution you think through donor donations.

Women in particular are a bit more invested in believing that children are just a blank slate in terms of personality, when many personality traits are inheritable. That could be a good thing or a bad thing. Often mothers find out the hard way which one it is when they realise their child, especially if it's a boy, is extremely similar to their abusive ex (this has happened to someone I know).

When you're having a child with a donor, you are basically taking a massive risk and going into that risk blind. Also, consider what kind of man it is that donates their future children to a total stranger they don't even know, and that they're ok having absolutely no say in their lives. Not great, is is?

You'd also need to be well set-up for single parenthhood. It might be ok for the many middle class women on here who have good careers and a supportive family network, but for everyone else it's very hard.

I wholeheartedly agree! The gynae has panicked me, and in my mind I would want at least 2 years to level my head and prepare. I looked into egg freezing but the success rate is really poor (about 5%) and my biggest problem is pelvic anatomy rather than egg quality

My preference is not a donor and I do share the same concerns. I wouldn’t have even considered it but it was heavily pushed by the gynaecologist.

I have always wanted children and I’m not viewing it as a clean slate as such, I’m just worrying I am going to miss my window and won’t be able to manage the guilt of that.

@R232very sorry you are going through this and well done for getting out!

I have both of those conditions and had ivf. A lot later than you mid 30’s

i personally would go for it asap with a donor. You could have had kids with a partner and separated which is no different in the end. Children are more important for life happiness than partners.