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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable about my dad?

10 replies

malificent7 · 09/10/2026 18:19

I posted about him before. I had a tricky time growing up... My mum was abusive towards me. He relationship with dad was strained as he was very tight with money. Controlling . My sister and I remember no lunch on a day out for example.
I had significant MH issues as a young adult which was no doubt very stressful for him.
After mum died age 58 he got with my best friend's mum 5 months later. He didn't even consider my sister and I and feelings and would canoodle in front of us etc.
When I got married to dp he said he wouldn't help me as much financially with the wedding as my sister ( he paid for her dress notjing else and my mum made him do it) as I was more expensive growing up. Ouch but also bollocks as my sister went to prep school whereas I was in state primary.
My sister and I both hated the private school he sent us to but he worked there and it was cheaper for him as a result.
He wanted the best for us but it didn't suit us.
He is now minted and loving retirement with his dp. Great but I feel resentful towards him as he didnt want to buy ys lunch as childeen but will treat his dp to lots of holidays and expensive gifts etc. . He is good with dd so I am grateful for that. I just feel sad that I cannot rely on him for support emotionally and that he was keeping tabs on how much I cost whilst growing up as a stick to beat me with now.

OP posts:

Original poster

malificent7 · 09/10/2026 19:06

Also when I got a 1st for my degree I was told that the exam must have been too easy.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2026 20:21

Both your parents let you down abjectly as a child.

Present day I would keep your child well away from him going forward. Your only mistake here was to facilitate a relationship between them at all but I think you were hoping that he would behave better this time around.

He was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and he’s seemingly never apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for his actions.

Original poster

malificent7 · 09/10/2026 20:53

It's a bit late now as I'd is 18 and has a great relationship with him.
I moved back to be near parents when I got pregnant ( and abandoned) as I had a unhealthy dynamic where I found it hard to forge a healthy independent life away from them due to trauma from childhood.
After emdr I recovered a bit and made a life for myself. I'm still very hurt though.

OP posts:

SweatySpider321 · 09/10/2026 21:13

malificent7 · 09/10/2026 19:06

Also when I got a 1st for my degree I was told that the exam must have been too easy.

How many 1st class degrees has he got?!

I would go very low contact with him. He sounds a very nasty and damaging person.

DurinsBane · 10/10/2026 00:23

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2026 20:21

Both your parents let you down abjectly as a child.

He was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and he’s seemingly never apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for his actions.

She said he is good with her daughter, so sounds like he was better this time round?

Original poster

malificent7 · 10/10/2026 05:06

Yes he is...she adores him. I don't want to get too involved ...I have to bite my toinge loads when she sings his praises.
The dynamic is wrong as he spends lots of time with my ex best friend ( whose mum he is with) and always goes out of his way to support her and her career. She doesn't drive so he takes her places and but I'll never forget when I needed a lift before I could drive to help my career and he huffed and puffed.

OP posts:

Barbarella73 · 10/10/2026 09:37

It’s okay to feel sad about this OP. It’s also important to accept that he’s not going to change and be the father you want/wanted. Continuing to want that, when his words and behaviour show that it’s not who he is, keeps you trapped in that wanting. It’s up to you whether you want him in your life or not, but if he is to be in your life you need to accept that he is who he is. You can choose to go low or no contact, or to have a superficial relationship for the sake of your dc. You are in the driving seat here, remember that. Whether you stay trapped in your current cycle of wishing things were different is up to you 💐

Original poster

malificent7 · 10/10/2026 09:46

Yes I think it's kind of grief.

OP posts:

user293948849167 · 10/10/2026 09:58

Sounds similar to my DHs Dad. They have an amicable relationship now but definitely not close, we visit once or twice a year, sometimes DH goes on his own in between. FIL last came to see us pre covid!
FIL is also a lot closer to his stepdaughter than to his own children.
DH struggled with it in the past but has now reached a place of accepting that’s how his dad is and it’s never going to change.
You can choose a LC relationship with your dad, your DD is old enough to see him on her own.

Nofeckingway · 10/10/2026 10:03

You are never going to get your childhood back . He doesn't think he did anything wrong so will never give you the apology or remorse you want . The fact that you dwell on a remark that I am pretty sure he won't even remember show how deep your hurt goes . It's horrible that it is still affecting you all these years later . Would you consider therapy to help you cope with these feelings?

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