If your children are adults and you are single...

[DownInOldVirginnie]

How often do you see them/expect to see them? How involved are you in their lives? Do you have your own things going on eg hobbies, friends etc?

DM lives alone, a few hours from us (me DH AND 3DC). I find juggling family life with her expectations around frequency and length of visits difficult. She always wants us to stay for longer and visit more often. She lives alone, she's single and cites these as reasons for expecting more from me.

I like being at home, I don't enjoy staying at her house for more than a night or two. So we seem to always been in conflict.

There is obviously more detail I could go into but we have a complicated relationship so for the sake of brevity I'll not go into it here except to say my brother and I think she has traits of covert narcissism.

So how often is not enough? once a week or once a year?

Since the start of July I've visited three times - two for a weekend and once for a slightly longer stretch. Dates booked to see her already in October for just under a week, November for a weekend and December for a day and one night as well as over Christmas probably for 4-5 nights.

When I can only visit for one night she gets angry that I dont change plans and says I should be prioritising her (eg she thinks my DD should miss her weekly sporting comittment to stay for a second night). I have friends that travel home from all over the country and Europe at Christmas and we all get together once a year for 2 nights. We tend to do this a few days before Christmas day as that's when they finish work and travel to the uk. Every year we have the same conversation that she thinks I should cancel or see them another time so that she can stay from mid December through to Boxing day as one DC has a birthday, which feels so unreasonable

I'm single my (birth) children are adults, one is living 8,000 miles away so I will next see him when he's home and we all get together for Christmas. The other one lives 60 miles away and I see her and her DH much more often, she also loves my little foster child so likes us to meet up regularly. Sometimes I see her a couple of times a month sometimes it's every 6 weeks or so, it depends on what plans we both have.

Who moved away ?
A few hours is a long journey, does she ever visit you. Remember that 67 is now state pension/retirement age so anyone up to that age should be capable of visiting you, known disability excepted.
Sounds like you visit out of a belief you should visit, rather than wanting to.

I think that every mother craves her kids and wants to spend as much time with them as possible. However, as an adult, you get to decide how much is enough for you.

I moved away although not sure thats totally relevant. Surely its not unreasonable for an adult to choose where they live. She made it explicitly clear to my brother and me while we were growing up that we could never live in a different country. I live 3 hours away. She drives and does come here but not often as she doesn't like to leave her cat.

Yeah i understand this. Its the guilt tripping and putting that burden on me and my brother that i really struggle with. To be frank she isn't very nice a lot of the time. Shes very bitter, she plays head games, loves to play a victim so its hard to relax and enjoy her company. I love her and when she's on good form I enjoy spending time with her but I never know what will trigger a bad mood from her. My brother and I both struggle and feel we have to walk on egg shells

Oh my gosh this sounds like ALOT. Especially if she isn’t pleasant to be around. I think you need to give yourself permission to back away a bit - an jusbsay you can’t manage it. She won’t react well but then it sounds like no matter what you do it’s never enough. You are supposed to be living your life and you’re a parent yourself. If I was you I’d start saying your very busy and that visits will be reduced in frequency. If she doesnt like that, that’s for her to deal with

Sounds like you see her loads!

I have adult kids (29 & 28). One lives 40 mins away and I only really see him if I go to his City and grab lunch with him, and for a few days at Christmas, the other lives in Australia, so I see her maybe once a year when she comes back for something like a wedding. I visit her maybe once every 3 years. However, I do have a DH and I'm not yet elderly. I do think old people become rather selfish.