Separation with a young child...

[dadmumplus10]

How to successfully separate from partner after a long-term relationship and a young child together? The relationship has drastically broken down and the atmosphere is tense at home. I haven't worked for many years due to childcare, mental health, birth trauma issues, also child has possible SEN, yet undiagnosed, he lacks self advocacy and struggles in school. Has been home educated for a period of time also. Partner has a corporate job, has provided solely for 8 years now. We are living separate lives already and have been for a few years.

I would like a fresh start, new area, new school for him. Partner does not. He wants to stay put. I am thinking it is best our son stays at the current school for stability alone although, I'm not a fan nor trusting of the environment.

Anyone navigated this? With least upset, friction and the child/ren first and foremost at heart and centre...

Who owns the house? Will you be working full time?
As your ex doesn't want his child moved away you'll have to stay in the area, he can get a court order to ensure this.

you have said both that you want your child to switch school, and you want him to remain at his current school - which is it?

He owns it - I will hopefully be working full-time very soon, am retraining and have started applying for work..

Ideally, I would like him to change and believe we can find something better suited, but partner does not due to his stability, which I do partly agree with.. TBH it's a decision I'm struggling with.. he has 3 years left in current school.

What do your finances allow your options to be op? Can you afford to live alone in your area?

Will you be moving out? Where will you live? You’ll likely have to private rent - have you assessed how you will afford that ,

what child arrangements will there be ?

stability is important so minimising disruption would be a key consideration/ keeping school the same is likely recommended unless it’s totally unsuitable for him,

I have no personal income and am currently fully reliant upon partner (not a good place to be and I accept full responsibility) I've done myself a huge disservice and have become fully (stupidly) co-dependent. I am majorly regretting some of my life choices that have ended me up here. So no, I have nothing except his money to put it bluntly. My partner wants to liver in the home and isn't keen to sell it.. it's becoming very difficult to see an easy way forward here. He then backtracked and spoke about selling the house so that we both move.

He owns the house and you’re not married ?

we are married

Then you need to state that in your posts. Referring to your husband as your 'partner' will lead people to assume you aren't married, and that changes what you are entitled to on seperation.

You need to see a solicitor and get legal advice firstly. If you're married, the house is a marital asset - it can either be sold or he could buy you out. Securing a job should also be your priority. He will have to pay child support but you will have to support yourself.

That completely changes everything then, I thought he was just an ex boyfriend.
The house is a marital asset, have you started the divorce online? The house will need sold, or one of you buys the other other out. Him not wanting to is irrelevant.

Oh fgs op, this changes absolutely everything and anyone posting prior to this completely wasted their time, as at that point you were entitled to nothing. Happy for you that you’re married though, now you do have options.

Well your marital state changes everything!

we've been together 21 years, married for 11. I foolishly fell into the trap of stay at home mum whilst trying to keep my sanity. I'm in a much better place mentally, but I'm now navigating becoming fully financially independent which has hit me like a tonne of bricks.. I've been sleepwalking to end up here. I complete training the end of this year then can apply to NHS for work.. I applying now stating 'training in progress'...

Half of his pension and half of the home, at least, will go to you.

Well as you’re married op, loosely half of the assets are yours regardless of whose name is on the deeds.

I don't wish to take half... he has grinded and worked very hard since I met him.. half of his pension for me feels too much.. I have been lost most of my life and followed him along - I now wish to get on track and focus on myself.. I've given a lot to the relationship, emotionally etc., and for half my life.. I'm mostly concerned about how things will affect my boy.. that's all I can think about rn..

You’ve also been grinding raising a suspected SEN child at home and partially homeschooling your DC so he can work so snap out of that mentality immediately.

Also, what’s best for your son is for you to take enough marital assets to establish a home for you and him elsewhere where you can keep him secure and in a roughly similar lifestyle as to when he is with his dad.

Sorting yourself out and getting your ducks in a row now is how you protect your DC. File for divorce, sell the house, take what’s yours and go and find somewhere to live

My husband has pointed out that I never did build a career of my own and relied on him at times even before we had our son, which is partly true due to my suspected neurodivergent profile and mental health issues at work that I struggled in the corporate environment.. I'm not a victim and never wish to make excuses for my short comings but I have sacrificed along the way..

Well unfortunately for him, fortunately for you courts don’t care if you had a career or not. What they will look at, especially in needs case divorces, what assets there and what needs there are.

With a long marriage, a child with Sen and no income, your needs will be considered higher than is so you are likely to walk away with more than 50%. ( depending on value if overall assets and his earnings)

you can of course negotiate and agree between you but any outcome will need to be fair in the eyes of the law - and for that all assets need to be in the pot for division and a fair split applied

I would do some research op to realise your own worth op before you divorce then op to rid you of this foolish notion that he contributed more. No he didn’t. Looking after a child with SEN is pretty much the hardest job on the planet. And, you want stability for your son, so you need what you are owed to get that for him.

SEN hasn't been diagnosed yet.. but is strongly suspected at his age now.. I've always known it as things were very difficult as a baby and nursery had mentioned trouble with transitions, spacey, strong sensory sensitivities.. it's either ADHD or autism but we are really not sure yet, going through the process with his current school, problem is he masks very well and the current school is not being helpful at all..

We had 2 NHS assessments online which have been useless! Without a definite outcome just that 'inconclusive'...