Feel like we’re doing our separation wrong (according to others)

[Thisisntme1]

My DH and I have been together for 25 years, since I was 17. We have 3 kids together, older teens and adults.
There’s a lot of history of toxic behaviour and arguing, he’s very emotionally immature and cannot take accountability for anything. Takes everything I say as an attack. It’s exhausting.

Without going into the complete history, in September last year I told him I was done and was moving out, he got upset and I agreed to try again.
We muddled along until February and I said it again and was serious, I needed space from all the fights.
We both trigger each other and I’m not innocent, I know I contribute to the dynamic, but at least feel I can reflect on my behaviour and apologise and change things.

It took 7 months for him to find a rental and he’s been gone only a couple of weeks.
We’re getting along so far and don’t hate each other.
There’s still love and care there, how can there not be after so long.
It’s only been such a short time and I’m taking the time to reset my nervous system as I was getting unwell from the stress, we’re both in separate counselling.
We had a good foundation for a marriage but there were repeated behaviours over the years and patterns and some emotional abuse. I just couldn’t do the pattern anymore.

Anyway, soon we’re going to be travelling to a family event together. We both have no issues with this. But apparently everyone else does.
They think it’s weird to be going together. It’s weird that we’re getting along so well, they find it all so strange and if we get along why are we not together.

I don’t want to explain to these people the ins and outs of our marriage but it’s starting to really annoy me.
We don’t know what the future holds but for now we’re just taking time.
I know if this became a permanent decision then things might change, but I still can’t see things turning nasty.

I just can’t see it as a bad thing, that we get along. But starting to feel like we’re doing it so wrong and even though we know we’re we stand with each other at the moment everyone else around us is having such a hard time with that.

It really is none of their business. Do what works for you.
As long as you are protected from abuse of any kind from H, and stay safe of course, then do it your way.
You absolutely don’t have to answer to anyone else.
Best wishes for the family event and your whole future.

I guess I’m second guessing myself that this is the right thing. It took me so long to get to this point and now that it’s done and people are telling me their opinions I’m wondering if I’ve made the wrong choice.

Also wondering if it’s really that unusual for separated or divorced people to get along? Especially for the kids?

None of their business.

My ex husband and I mostly get along. I couldn't still be married to him - he annoys the hell out of me over longer periods and I'm not good for him either. There was also an incident I won't go in to that destroyed us completely.
We do a few unusual things, such as I let him use my house (the former marital home) to see the kids once a week, he stays over and sleeps on the sofa bed. People probably think that's weird as hell but it works for us and our children.

We both have new partners, mine also has an ex wife and kids and I feel so sorry for him seeing the absolute nonsense she texts him! (Well aware there are two sides to every story etc.) but although the way me and my ex do things may be unusual, it still feels a lot nicer than the "standard" way my boyfriend and his ex wife are. My boyfriend has even met my ex husband and they will be amicable to each other.

We were together a long time - 15 years - and although we cannot live together and love each other, we can get along absolutely fine. We are both happy, our new partners are happy, and most importantly our children are happy with the arrangements and everybody knows where they stand.

Just like grief, everyone can do it (separate) their own way.

Who are the giving thier opinions?

Your own children are worth listening to as they will have understandable feelings about their parents separation but everyone else needs to mind their own business.

I know one married couple who are still married but they live next door to each other. She actually left him for another man and he was very upset (naturally) she was at least 10 years younger than him and they had been together 30 years. She left him for a man in the village and she went to live with him. New man was her age but didn’t have children and their children were 20 and 25 at the time. After a few months they invited the husband (ex) around and he went and found he liked the chap. She lived with him for 5 years and he regularly popped over for dinner or family stuff etc or christmas. It was a bit strange to start with but then just became normal. They still loved each other but their marriage was platonic so they became friends. Her new partner died suddenly one day from a heart attack and their grief was overwhelming and he left the house to his nephew and she rented locally. When her mum died who lived next door to the husband she moved back there.

They never divorced and they see each other 4-6 times a day he is now 86 and they have been separated 30 years.

My exH and I stayed amicable from the start for the sake of the kids.
We behaved in a similar way to you. People couldn't understand it, thought it was "weird" etc but it worked for us and our kids.

He moved nearby when he moved out and we shared pre teen kids at the time. I was going to see him around whether I liked it or not, so being awkward, trying to avoid him etc seemed pointless and harder than digging deep and being amicable.

It wasn't easy and my family have nothing to do with him (history of cheating was discovered) but they don't live around here so that has been ok to manage.
Our kids are pretty well balanced and we have co parented them well in the main, we have always been on the same page.

The thing I would say is that it makes the split harder and longer to get over for the one who was most hurt by it. But you can't really cut all contact when you have kids anyway.

It's no one else's business except yours. Do what works for you both & for your kids.

My ex and I still get along just fine and it confused everyone, why would we separate when we could bumble along ok together?

They didn’t see the endless nights of sitting alone in separate rooms, the absolute lack of affection, the slowly widening gap between us and the crippling loneliness I felt. And the horror I was filled with at the thought of the teens getting older and moving out and us having nothing to say to each other for the decades that followed.

You’re doing just fine.

I trot out a saying, when l want advice, I will ask for it.

You’re doing it fine. My parents got on very well after their divorce - better suited as friends than spouses really. They had also got together very young (married at 18 and 20) and raised DSis and me with the message to wait until we were older before settling down.

I get along very well with my ex. It’s easy to say, ‘We work well as friends and co-parents but we outgrew the marriage and didn’t suit each other anymore’.

My DHs ex comes round for tea on a Sunday, we’ve been on holiday together ….shes the mother of his kids, she’s not going anywhere. They were together 20 years, been divorced 20, there’s a lot of good history there and joint memories. They weren’t good as a couple but they coparent very well. We’ve been together 17.

do what works for you, but eventually find space for just you as a single person, and to, if you want, let someone else in. Also give yourself time and distance to put some perspective on the relationship and be honest with yourself. Don’t fall back into it because you or he are lonely or bored. Those are natural emotions to learn to live with…

It’s early days yet….theres a long way to go.

It’ really is none of their business like others have said.

It just demonstrates that you are two mature adults that can be friends, but do not want to be together anymore.

It really is as simple as that. I don’t want to sound rude about your family, but their view is quite ignorant and small minded (sorry).

It's great that you're getting along with your ex. It's ideal in fact. You now have the best of both worlds and it's much healthier for the kids. Ignore everyone else. It's not their life. You do what works for you. You are doing great.

Thanks everyone, it’s good to hear some positive stories.
That’s sort of what it’s like for us @IDontCareWhatMyUsernameIswe get along well but only when things are good, and when it’s bad it’s really bad.
But we both have some childhood trauma to work on and we honestly don’t know what the future holds, we might get back together, as I said we had a good foundation for a great marriage.

@FaceItits not really family, it’s other people in my wider circle in particular.
Their experiences with their separations was very different and I’ve had the comment that it’s weird that we’re going to spend time together and why not just be together. But I’m not going into specifics with these people.