How to get over a crush

[Bs6an]

👋How do you get over a crush? I'm 45 years old and have been happily married for the last 12 years. Never had eyes for anyone other than my husband until now. There is a new guy where I work, from the first time I met him my heart skipped a beat and he made me smile for no reason, this keeps happening for no reason other than I find him attractive. Our relationship is purely professional, we aren't flirty or suggestive or anything like that but every time I see him my heart skips and I break a smile.

My husband and I were at work social event. I barely spoke to my crush for no reason other than we were on separate tables but at the end of the night we had a brief conversation and my husband noticed the smile on my face when I was talking to my crush. My husband trusts nothing has happened but I can tell he's put out by my obvious attraction to the new guy. I get it, I'd be put if he found a new girl at his work attractive.

My crush is single and insanely handsome but is 10 years younger than me and I'm not interested in pursuing anything with him even if I was single but I do sometimes in moments of boredom find myself wondering what he is doing.

My crush is the same age as my youngest brother and I've tried telling myself it's like finding one of my brothers friends attractive but it hasn't helped.

It's crazy that my heart skips a beat when I see him and my husband could obviously see a difference in me in his presence.

How do I get over what ever it is I'm feeling, my work is a social place, drinks most Friday nights so me and my husband are going to be in his presence a lot and I don't want for anything to be awkward between any of us. I also love my husband very much and don't want this to affect our relationship.

Imagine how humiliated you would feel if people found out? Or if he had to tell you to back off, you’re too old for him (sorry, I am genuinely trying to be helpful here!)

If it doesn’t wane then can you change your job role?

Imagine being in bed with him and then he farts loudly and forces your head under the duvet and thinks it’s hilarious.

(Or whatever your personal ick might be.)

You could sleep with once to see if there is any chemistry?

You don't get over a crush, you just turn your mind away from it. No entertaining it. It doesn't go away, but you can bury it so deep you forget about it.

Time, good boundaries and not getting drunk around him.

A crush is nothing more than a lack of information. Your crush burps and farts and argues and picks his nose, just the same as your DH. You are filling in all the lack of information with nothing more than imagination.

Be aware that you know nothing of their habits, their views, their past, their flaws and history. At the moment you think everything will coincide with you and your personality, needs and faults. It's all completely unrealistic.

[I've had crushes in the past, Somehow I've held back despite being encouraged, always a warning at the back of my mind. Then I've had moments, glimpses of who they are, and immediately switched off - for good. This happens if you just wait and observe/listen].

Imagine the humiliation if this crush comes to light, and you are ridiculed/looked down on every day from now on whether you witness it or not. Every time you bump into someone from work you'll be jolted by feeling stupid by a past which won't go away. You'll feel it for years to come and your mind will torment you for your foolishness. It's not worth it.

First of all - don't stress out about it. It doesn't mean you don't love your DH or that there's anything lacking in your relationship.

Not everyone in a long-term relationship has crushes but many of us do - I have been with DH 25+ years and yes, I've had the odd crush here and there over the years (as I'm sure he also has) including for me two quite serious ones. But at no point have I wanted to make a life with anyone but him. My crushes have never made me feel any less in love with my DH and - apologies if TMI - they may have occasionally contributed to a bit of additional energy in the bedroom of which DH was the beneficiary, so no complaints there!

For me, it is not a reflection on the relationship but just of life: the wedding vow to forsake all others would hardly be necessary if everyone else magically ceased to be attractive when we made our commitments. Indeed, the whole point of long-term commitment is that we don't allow passing attraction to others to pull us away from our chosen life partner. Affairs happen not because people fancy someone other than their partner but because people act on those feelings of attraction. In a truly committed relationship, people choose not to act on those feelings because they prioritise their love for their partner over a passing attraction to someone else.

My experience has been that, in time, crushes burn themselves out. That's what will happen with this one, I'm sure. It is really as big a deal as you let it be. If you make it a big deal, it becomes one. If you treat it as an amusing irrelevance to your life with your DH, that's where it stays.

Is this guy friendly and approachable to everyone or does he single you out for attention? I would be very wary. He may just be an amiable person and would be horrified if he realised his older, married colleague fancied him.