An in law and DH one

[Goinganonforthis]

If your FIL was going for an operation to get his prostate removed due to cancer, would your partner/DH inform you of this? Asking as DH has form for this and has emotionally removed himself from the marriage as far as I am concerned.
I knew fil has cancer and treatment hasn't worked thus far. The first I heard of the operation was from MIL on the family whatsapp this morning saying surgery went well. I'm thinking what is she on about? DH has given me no explanation as to why he didn't tell me. I feel like an idiot who isn't important enough to be informed of family things. Married 20+ years and get on fine with in-laws. Is there something I'm missing, or is this normal? Thanks.

No that’s really odd!

yes thats not normal.

why didn't he tell you

No, it's not normal. I can't even imagine how or why he would fail to tell you about something so important

How is he on day to day stuff?

msg back to wish him well and say you knew nothing about it

in the family chat

Not normal but sounds like this is the least of your problems as DH has issues

In what other ways has your DH emotionally removed himself from your marriage, OP? Glad your FIL's op went ok.

Thanks so much for the replies. Yes, it's great news his operation went well.
Dh doesn't really interact or talk to me at all anymore. My father passed away this year and it's been absolute shit. If DH sees me crying in the kitchen to myself he will walk in the other direction. His family are a bit like this also, terrible with emotional stuff. I try to understand that this is the way he was raised but it's very lonely.
I told him a week.ago that I couldn't go on like this in the marriage, and that I was going to write him a letter (he gets really defensive and basically thick when I try to bring up anything. So a letter was the only thing I could think of). I haven't sent him anything yet.
He doesn't talk to me at all. He comes home from work, says hi and then sits on sofa or lies on the bed scrolling on his phone until I tell him his dinner is ready. He'll come to the table, again on the phone, doing quizzes, barely even talking to the kids.
Pure silence and no interaction between us. Haven't had sex in 2 years, or had a proper snog longer than that. Both early 50s. He isn't having an affair. I am not working, for various reasons, but am flat out with 2 ND kids. I feel he has no respect for me as I don't bring in any money. I'm pretty sure I've already been on mumsnet with the same issue. And here I am again. It's just little things on a daily basis that I am clocking are not nice, kind, caring, helpful or supportive. Today's one I'm finding particularly hard. I feel I am very supportive to people, especially when there is a crisis. I'm always there. Driving with gifts and essentials to people who can't leave their homes, sending Mass cards, remembering anniversaries of friends parents deaths etc. I just don't know if I deserve this. I've never felt lonelier in my life.

Just ignore him and live your own life. Or decide to separate it sounds miserable currently.

None of it is normal or healthy for you or the kids. What is your plan?

I agree that his silence is the real issue here — the surgery is frightening enough without being shut out of it. It could be emotional shutdown as his way of coping, since some people go quiet when they are overwhelmed. That still doesn't change the fact that you deserve to be kept in the loop about something this big. When you feel ready, try having one calm, direct conversation about how it feels to be left out rather than focusing on what he did wrong. And if you're curious about emotional dynamics in long-term relationships, this resource on the destiny matrix love line destinymatrics.com/destiny-matrix-love-line/ offers an interesting perspective on compatibility patterns.

Thanks so much. I will look that up.
I am thinking of separating and already checked how that would work re finances and our home etc. It's the kids I can't upset or worry, cliché, I know. But it's true. They are so beautiful and innocent and it's not fair on them. They don't see what goes on, I'm pretty sure of that. There are no shouting matches. Just no affection or kindness either. If I thought either of my.kids were in relationships and this sad and lonely I know what I'd be saying. This year has been awful, but I don't think I'm strong enough at the moment to do anything different yet. But I will. Something needs to change. Thanks for your kind words x

If you have ND kids can there be genetic link to his side of the family

So, in a healthy relationship you’d have asked how his dad was doing, or ‘any news about your dad?’, at intervals.
We don’t live near ours, so I’d be asking when he comes off the phone.

Obviously you will be consumed with the dc and the grief of losing your dad and perhaps supporting other members of your family too.

I’m really sorry that you’re so unsupported, at a time you need it most.

My DH also absents himself when most needed. His ND means other people’s emotions overwhelm him and he steers clear.

I don't always tell my dh things like this as he would go straight to in-laws with the exciting news.
They are very good and helpful in a crisis but that's because they love the drama of somebody being sick and they love to have lots of info if neighbours ask about sick person.
I know a lot of people like this.

It sounds as though he might well be ND too.

But yes, this is no way for you to live. And while your children aren't hearing arguments, nor are they experiencing warmth, care, consideration and conversation between their parents. And that's not good for them.

You need to call time on this.

No it's not normal but given you also say he has emotionally checked out of the marriage it shouldn't be a surprise and I think you have bigger issues or I guess bigger decisions to make about the future of the relationship.

"They don't see what goes on, I'm pretty sure of that. "

Trust me they see it, they may not see or know all the details but they can tell that things are not right. A father who ignores them even at dinner, never speaks to their mother or no show of affection etc isn't a good environment for kids and they see it. It shapes how they view marriage, expectations, boundaries etc.

Then you need to also think of yourself, being stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship is not right simply because you don't want to upset the kids. Think of the impact on you, staying in such a marriage is soul destroying, it will destroy your self-confidence, your mental health, it will make you question and doubt yourself, it's abuse and no matter how are you try it will affect and shape your kids.

Children can be significantly affected by a marriage in which there is no shouting, no obvious fighting, but very little affection, communication or emotional connection between their parents.

But kids DO realise things. They’ll see how you both are with each other. Do you want them growing up thinking this is how you treat your husband/wife? So many kids realise their parents are in loveless marriages. Assume you don’t do fun things as a family? Are you miserable when he’s around? Don’t kid yourself that staying with him is for their benefit.

My ex husband used to do stuff like this.

It's one of the many reasons he's now my ex.

I got fed up to death of being told about family events/things by his mother/father that they thought I knew about, after the fact. I ended up looking like an idiot so many times.

I'd also add that as a child who knew from the age of 9 that my parents didn't like, let alone love each other, your children will already be aware of what is going on. One of the first ways I became aware was due to the lack of affection and kindness between them...and the lack of it shown to us in turn.

Believe me that they won't appreciate if you stay 'for them'. I've heard that from my mother for over 30 years and all it's done is make me despise her for being such a doormat and caring more about her marriage than her children.

I agree. Literally focus on you and your own wellbeing and joy and friends.

Don’t bother writing him a letter he clearly doesn’t care enough to try and understand your inner world. It will be like that Ross and Rachel 17 page letter episode in friends. Pour your energy into planninf
something nice for yourself and don’t discuss it with him just go and do it.