Partner refusing confront past

[Lamettaretta]

I’ll get to the core of it: I think that my husband was abused (or groomed and abused), and I am struggling to come to terms with this, especially because he pretends that everything is fine even though it clearly isn’t.

This comes off the back of a conversation that he had with his closest friend with both me and said friend’s partner around which made it quite clear that both of them had been taken advantage of but laughing it off, although I did notice his friend seeming uncomfortable and even saying that that hadn’t been right. To be honest I found it really hard to listen to, but it’s also opened my eyes to why he is the way he is.

I asked DH about it afterwards and he again brushed it off and said that he didn’t regret any of it and that he didn’t think that the woman in question (who had been in a position of power) had done anything wrong. And this is 100% in line with his default approach to any abuse case which is why it’s always driven me insane when he kept defending the perpetrators in a way. And now finally it seems to make sense and he still refuses to even think about it.

I’m sorry because I’m rambling in frustration. I’m both angry and frustrated at the same time (not angry at him) because to me this is a massive deal but I know that I can’t push him because it wouldn’t be fair.

I think that I picked a bad title but I didn’t know how to even describe this. Thank you

It’s not about you. If he was abused or groomed then his feelings about it trump yours, the way you sound here to me make me wonder if he doesn’t want to discuss it with you because he doesn’t want you to make it a big deal.

Why do you want him to face it? Is this more about you than him?

Confronting trauma when one isnt ready can prove risky or make some people worse.

What is the actual impact om him day to day?

I have had what one may consider traumatic events. But its what it is. Most prople dont end up w PTSD. If he says he is fine then trust him.

Maybe this needs work on your end.

Yes I can see how this looks like I’m being horrible here. Point taken. But to be fair that’s why I posted here rather than pester him so maybe I did the right thing.

You can do more harm than good, by attempting to do therapy on your DH and without a qualified psychologists intervention.

I suggest you stop and be care full, in case you do more harm than good.

It sounds as though you have gone into “saviour mode” where you rescue your husband and in the process become the main character in this scenario. Perhaps you should ask yourself why your view is more important than your husband’s wishes?

I found it really hard to listen to, but it’s also opened my eyes to why he is the way he is.

What's the way he is, and does it create problems for you in the relationship?

It isn't about you.

People deal with trauma in different ways. If he does not want to discuss it or seek counselling then it is entirely his choice.

Unless what happened is creating actual issues in your relationship then I don't see why you are obsessing about this.

Full stop.

This is not about you. You don't know the facts and he's not prepared to share. He's allowed his privacy about his past. You won't do good but there's potential for harm if you push here.

Agree with all other posters. Back off and let HIM approach HIS trauma when he’s ready.

Maybe your DH is fine with it as he says.

I had what could be defined as a 'rape'. Way way to intoxicated to consent, had been flirting but gone to bed, and then he came up and just fucked me, I was too drunk to engage in anyway. I didn't feel anything emotionally about it at the time and certainly don't 20 years later, it means nothing to me, not in a burried way just in a 'that was shit but hey ho' kind of a way.
This is how I feel, that doesn't mean that everyone else should feel the same way in the same situation, but equally I am not wrong for feeling how I do.

I don't think I could be with someone who defended perpetrators, whatever the reason. Is that the the thing you most want to change about him?

Gently, it’s for your DH to decide how he wants to manage / tackle it. It isn’t about you and you are not his therapist. All you can do if he talks about it is suggest he might want to get some therapy / counselling but if he insists he is ok then there isn’t anything you can do and pushing him or pestering him will not end well.

Yes you are all right and it is not up to me. But what I don’t want is for him to extend this attitude to our DCs when they get older. It doesn’t matter how old they are but they should never feel like they are at fault for someone else hurting them.
Anyway you are right and I will leave him alone about this since he doesn’t seem to think that anything that happened caused him harm. Thank you all

People have very different ways of processing trauma. For some, it leads to PTSD, for others it leads to post traumatic growth and everything in-between.
I was raped as a teenager and while I am not excusing the abuser, I have absolutely no interest in being therapised about it. The event had absolutely no bearing on who I am as a person and how I live the rest of my life. You may find it shocking but I think about it with about the same frequency and level of emotional engagement as I would think about what I had for dinner last Thursday. I would not take kindly to someone suggesting I "confront the past". There is nothing to confront. It is simply something that happened and I moved on.
My feelings about it don't mean that I think all rape victims should feel the same or that I would teach my children that rape is ok and something to be excused.

Do not ask hom to confront the past if he does not wish to. It does not sound as though he is psychologically crippled in any way.
I do hear what you are saying about defending perpetrators and concerns about your children. Just keep an eye out for any comments you feel might be to their detriment and make sure you provide a balance.
People who were groomed when young have confused feelings about the perpetrators who can be very good at brainwashing.

Abused people often find themselves with other people who have no respect for their boundaries. It becomes a pattern.

Some of what you've said here makes me think you could be part of that pattern.

It seems to me that there are two separate issues here. One is your DH’s response for himself as regards his own experience which is really his business unless any part of his reaction is harming you. The other is your concern that he has a tendency to minimise the actions of other abusers against other victims. As @Mischance says, people who are groomed can have a range of confusing feelings towards their abuser who likely implemented some kind of reward scheme. I think you’re right to be concerned; it is probably some kind of defence mechanism but it is problematic. I’m not sure how you approach him about it, however; you may need to consult some kind of specialist.

It's difficult to say whether it would have had much of an psychological impact without knowing how old he/they were and what the circumstances were. IMO an older woman seducing a naive but receptive & willing 15/16 year old is a very different scenario to say a woman blackmailing them, or grooming and abusing a much younger child.