Husband said everyone hates our kids

[Lara98]

My husband told me today he thinks my family hate our children. He said that my dad, aunts & extended family make no effort to see or speak to the kids and in his opinion they hate them as they hate me. He knows I feel like that sometimes and it hurts me as I’m also an only child & have no family around who make any effort to be in the kids lives. I just don’t know why he felt the need to say that so bluntly as it really hurt. Does anyone have any idea why he would say such a thing & do I have a right to be upset? Thanks in advance

Are the children your husbands children ?

Ask him directly! Make him explain himself. “What you said about my family hating me and our children has really upset me. Was that your intention? And if so, why? But if you were somehow trying to support me (and our kids) through a painful estrangement, please be more careful about how you do that. What were you trying to achive?”

Oh yeah, the good old "Hurt Em Till They Love You"

Sorry OP 😥

Reading this may help

I can think of several reasons why he might want to mention and talk about it even if you find it painful. It's not just you that your family's actions affect. But I don't know it that's behind what prompted his comment. Only he can tell you that.

You said he says hurtful things daily - that seems more important. What else does he say that you find hurtful?

Is he always so prone to catastrophic thinking and over exaggeration? It sounds like your family hating your children is potentially a really dramatic and overly personalised thought process for what is probably more easily explained by your family perhaps being selfish or disengaged….

You’re asking an internet forum of anonymous randoms who don’t know you nor your husband or anything around the context of the discussion why he said that to you and you expect an answer? Come on

I do indeed, expect more. Shame you're delivering less.

OP, it sounds like people can see he's an abusive arsehole and are staying away from him, not you or the children. Are there any redeeming features to this person? Does he make you happy at all, or are you generally unhappy?

He sounds quite cruel and nasty to me.

My first thought, too.

If there’s no abuse and he’s not an AH. If your family are legitimately disliking your children and him with no reason, he could have said it because you presumably haven’t said anything to your family. Only you can say something to your family, he can’t, and your husband may be surprised you’ve not put any ultimatum to them.

Your husband sounds vile.

Are you sure your dad hasn't changed phone number or God forbid, died? Seems such an odd thing to do?

Depends on the context of the conversation. What were you discussing in the run up?

Your dad thing is odd if there is no back story. Loads of people aren't close to their aunts and cousins with no hatred involved. More likely to be apathy than hatred. Your husband doesn't sound very nice.

Is he controlling? These sorts of things are often said when a partner is trying to alienate their partner from their family.
it was a nasty thing to say and I hope either he apologises it explains himself or you look a little closer to what type of person he really is.

I mean it doesn’t really seem like he would need to alienate her from her family does it? They haven’t spoke to her for a few years, through their own choice. He might be an arsehole but that’s a reach.

Unfortunately some families are like this. If you have a small family of people who aren't just family orientated there really isn't much you can do about it all by yourself. The behaviour could have been set generations ago. Try not to take it personally. Your family don't hate you, they are just disinterested.
Best thing you can do is live your best life and make close friends who will fill that void.

He says hurtful things every day? Time to leave. OP

My parents have little to do with my DC. They aren't bad people. There just quite selfish, wealthy, and do what they want as a priority.

They don't hate me. They don't hate my DC. They've just got no desire in being nanny and grandad. It makes me so sad when I see my friends DC run off to nanny's every weekend, getting a regular break, with family who love to have the little people around. Mine didn't have my children at all until they were 5. I can't understand how you don't want your GC. But the sad thing that hit home, that I read the other day, was that parents who aren't active GP are ones who didn't enjoy having their own DC and have no intention of going there again. I imagine there's a lot of truth in that.

DH notes that it's shit too. Because it is. But he doesn't try and dress it up that my family must hate me. Also, if my parents lived in another country and didn't regularly see my DC, I would put a large amount of that down to being abroad.

Is he taking his frustrations of having no break from parenting out in a very undiplomatic way. Because I get it, there's been days where DH and I have both been ill and we would have loved just that little bit of support, and my parents make excuses as to why they can't be around. The exhaustion can make you snap and say things in the heat of the moment.

All I can say is that the DC get older, it gets a little bit easier. My DC don't really have a relationship with GP, and if it were me, I'd be heartbroken. But my parents aren't bothered that their GC don't have a connection with them. It's not my job to understand why. It is so sad for me and DC though, when I see the "village" other families have.

Where's his family in all of this?

Reading your updates. OP, he had no need to say that as you are well aware of the situation. Its not normal that he wants to hurt you.

My ex used to say shit like that to make sure I dont even make an effort to speak to my family. He wanted me to have nothing to do with them and to have zero support, whatever minimal.

My family are not ideal and there are a lot of thing that I dont like but they are my family. Whatever support I get from them is 100 times better than no support at all.

Does your DH have any ADHD/Autistic traits at all? My niece is AuDHD and 2 nephews have been diagnosed with autism and all 3, can be blunt to the point of brutal and are completely tactless. One asked me why I was so fat (Lipoedema & crohns, I replied) but the directness still stung a little.

Even if true this comment does seem to be engineered to upset you- you need to ask yourself, and then DH why he wants to upset you.

My BIL has minimal contact with his family. They seem to get on well when they do meet, but none of them make an effort to stay in contact. When they meet at eg family weddings, they greet each other fondly, like long lost cousins. I think it's a bit odd but seems to work for them

OP, are your family actively hostile, or just not making an effort?

It’s really difficult to unpick this without knowing a bit more about this and the back story. What I would say is that children who have been scapegoated are more likely to choose partners who aren’t loving and caring and can even be abusive. We often unconsciously choose what we know.

Would you consider working through this with a therapist who understands dysfunctional family dynamics?

It might hurt to acknowledge that your family aren’t the loving, supportive back up we all deserve. But sometimes it’s better to acknowledge that than continue to live with the fantasy of a loving family and continually be hurt. However from what you say your DH wasn’t trying to gently help you to accept that, he was being unkind and bullying you if he’s saying mean things every day.

A partner who’s unkind to you isn’t worth staying with OP even if he’s the only family you have. I’m so sorry.

So, having seen your update it seems that your problem isn't necessarily your biological family it's a lot closer to home.

Your husband sounds like a bit of a shit. Is there a huge backstory?