Should I just let this friendship go?

[Inthetreehouseatlast]

I’m 49 and feeling pretty crap about friendships. My longest standing friendship of 27 years seems to be over. We e lived far apart for years now but it always felt like we just slotted back into the friendship when ever we met up. However, over time, it has been me doing the initiating. I’ve stepped back and had accepted the friendship has just fizzled but then she will always pop up again and send me a birthday gift and contact will resume. Then I’ll get my hopes up and we will be close to making plans to meet and then she will pull out at the last minute. It has just happened again. She suggested a place and date to meet. I was about to book the accommodation and she suddenly she wants to “discuss options” and then vanishes again.

This has hit a real nerve because I am estranged from my small remaining family and haven’t lived in my current area for very long. I grew up in a dysfunctional home and have poor self esteem and a lot of anxiety.

Does anyone else struggle with friendships in their forties? I do have some friends scattered about and some newer friends here but I just feel so sad and like there is something wrong with me .

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Hi Op. I have definitely found as I have got older that friends have become more “flakey”.
Cancelling meet ups last minute, turning up late when they do come etc.
I am mid 40’s and like you have had enough of it. I can cope with people cancelling and also understand that sometimes people are running late due to things beyond their control but it seems to happen all the time to me.
It makes me feel unimportant and invisible if I’m honest.
I like to always be on time and wouldn’t dream of cancelling last minute unless it was an emergency. Maybe my expectations of other people are too high though.
I try and treat others how I want to be treated myself but I’m not sure my friends think like that anymore.

@PancakePattyI'm sorry you’ve had this experience. I know what you mean re feeling like you don’t matter to them.

This week I’ve had the above friend situation plus another friend not turn up for the fourth time when we had agreed to meet! Then another friend who checks and responds to non-urgent message son her phone every single time we see each other, even if we are mid conversation. It’s rubbish.

Oh and three people from a team of four dropped out of the pub quiz this evening so I had to cancel

I reconnected with a very good friend after years of distance. We live about an hour and a half apart. We still don’t seem to manage to meet up more than twice a year - neither of us work so that’s no excuse. It’s amazing how weeks just go by then you realise your promise to meet up in the Spring when the weather’s better becomes Autumn! It’s both our faults. Keep reaching out.

Yes the phone thing as well! Met a friend in a coffee shop and she spent probably half of the time on her phone, catching up on emails she said.
It is thoroughly depressing and I’m sorry you are going through this too. I sometimes think that it would be better not to try and meet up but then I would feel even more isolated than I do now. But after meeting friends, or not meeting if they cancel, I can spend days anxiously going over in my head if I am the problem. Am I so boring ? Have I inadvertently said something to offend? Over shared? Who knows. I try to be a good listener, generous with my time etc but I do realise no one is perfect.
Im not sure how people make new friends nowadays, as in real life friendships, not just Facebook acquaintances.
Im sorry I don’t have any answers. Just now you are not alone.
Do you have a partner or family?

I'm just wondering if a new group on Eventbrite called 'no phones allowed' would work!! I think a lot of people would come along.

Thanks for making me feel bit less alone. Sorry others experiencing this. I need to find the guts to just tell Phubber friend to stop being so rude. I get that we all need to check our phones, especially re child issues. But I’ve literally been sat across from her in a restaurant and mid sentence and she had pulled out her phone, checked a message from a friend and replied. I’m fairly sure I’m not boring. She does this all the time. I just know she will get huffy if I comment though.

@Frenchjamisbest you could be on to a winner there. Slightly hypocritical because I’m on my phone now on Mumsnet, but I do wish we could go back to a world without smart phones. I’m old enough to remember and reminisce about what life was like before they took over.
Going out on a Saturday night with my friends, we would all get ready at each others houses, put our lippy in our bags and either turn our phones off or shock horror, leave them at home 🤣
This was long before smart phones.
Hubby and I quite fancied trying to get oasis tickets but we talked ourselves out of it because we would both be annoyed at everyone with their phones in the air recording. Live in the moment people 🙂

@PancakePattyi went to a concert at the O2 and phones were banned. Everyone had to place their mobiles in yonder pouches. It made such a difference to the concert as everyone was just fully engaged. I wish all concerts would do that.