Advice Please - marriage issues

[MumInHer40s]

I need some advice on what to do about my relationship. DH and I have been married for 16 years (together for 5 before that). We have 2 kids age 12 and 15. Generally things are fine, but we had issues last year and ever since then, there’s something in the back of my mind that just isn’t the same anymore.

As background, about a year ago we had some issues. We started arguing about the fact that I was overwhelmed with doing everything and he had become very lazy. He was also giving me the silent treatment if we didn’t have sex for more than a week. When this happened, the only way he would get out of his ‘mood’ was if we had sex – you can imagine how this played out. But it got to the point where this happened everytime. Things got quite bad between us because of various things (I wont bore you with all the details), so I suggested couples therapy. This did not go down well and then we started arguing about this too! Eventually, I felt I needed help and needed to talk things through with someone independent, so I went to therapy alone. I didn’t tell him straight away, as I knew the reaction I would get, so when he did find out, he didn’t like it – and then made me feel really bad about going – he also kept asking me what I was telling the therapist and what we were talking about.

He then, all of a sudden, decided he would come to a therapy session with me – I felt the session went really well and the therapist pointed out things we could both work on. As soon as we left the session, he kicked off and basically said he felt blindsided by it, and said that we (me and the therapist) had obviously discussed what she was going to say to him and make him feel bad! He basically only came along to try and find out what I’d been saying. After that, we didn’t go back ☹

We did eventually sort things out. He did eventually admit that he is quite insecure and sometimes, because I’m not a very affectionate person (never have been), he felt that I didn’t love him - and that was why he would give me the silent treatment. I am also going through perimenopause and started on some hormone patches, which did help my mood, and made me feel less overwhelmed. We basically agreed to communicate more and worked through things without the help of a therapist.

Fast forward to now – although things are much better, I just can’t shake this feeling in the back of my mind that things are not back to how they were and probably never will be. Things did get quite nasty between us previously and it just feels like there’s a bit of an awkwardness between us now.

We do still argue on occasion - we had a bit of a row this morning – he hadn’t given me some important information, so I got annoyed with him and then he just had a go at me because I was annoyed with him. Instead of just saying ‘sorry’ he just pushed it all back on me! It’s exhausting ☹

Is it bad that sometimes I sit there and think ‘would all this be easier on my own’? Any advice on how to deal with things would be helpful.

I think the answer is in your last paragraph…

It sounds like a pretty exhausting and miserable relationship OP. Are there any good bits?

Did you continue with the individual therapy OP?

If your husband isn't prepared to go to marriage counselling and communication between you still isn't great, then I'm not sure how you can move forward.

Marriage counselling would have given you both the tools to help you communicate better with each other.

Do you still love him? Do you want your marriage to work? I think fundamentally, those are the questions you need to ask yourself. May be you should explore those questions with a therapist, on your own?

The sulking/silent treatment if he doesn't get sex at least once a week, would seriously piss me off. You might be married but that doesn't mean he's entitled to sex when he pleases. His behaviour is hardly likely to make you want to have sex with him!

Yes there are definitely some good bits but i just feel overwhelmed by the bad bits at the moment

I didnt because I couldnt deal with all the questions around it. But it may be something i do look into again

Why don’t you try writing them down, if the bad bits are currently overwhelming, make a point of trying to notice the good stuff.

Another way to reconnect, would be to try a book in a weekly date night so that you can start to enjoy each other’s company again. Given that your DC are now teenagers you shouldn’t have to worry about a babysitter, which makes life easier. Get DH on board and perhaps you can take it in turns to choose the activity/ venue.

I think you should continue with therapy without him if he refuses to go. The way he treats you and how he behaves doesn't sound fair, your a better woman than me cos I would have already given up on the marriage.. do you see yourself being with him for the next 10 years ? Would you be happy with that ? Have you thought that you maybe happier without him ? or with him ?

I ended my own marriage and we have children. I dont regret it, maybe I regret not doing it earlier. Weigh it up on if this Life is a happy one, or not

I think that this is very telling... He doesn't want you to do individual therapy because he doesn't want what you already have started to realise to get confirmed by a professional.

Go back, and stick with it.

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, which you can download to your phone or your laptop as a pdf, if you don't want the book lying around.

So, apart from you getting HRT to improve YOUR mood (and make you more likely to be in the mood for regular sex?), exactly what has HE changed to make things ‘so much better now?

He did eventually admit that he is quite insecure and sometimes, because I’m not a very affectionate person (never have been), he felt that I didn’t love him - and that was why he would give me the silent treatment. I am also going through perimenopause and started on some hormone patches, which did help my mood, and made me feel less overwhelmed. We basically agreed to communicate more and worked through things without the help of a therapist.

theres an awful lot here on how it was hard for him, how you’re at fault and how you have worked on things to improve the relationship.
and we just skim over him being horrible to you until you have sex with him. Him trying to hijack therapy or leaving you to be a live in unpaid maid, aren’t even mentioned.

id be interested to know if he does 50% of the housework now? Or 40% even?

he still can’t say sorry and he still doesn’t want you to go to therapy. So all that has changed is you’re on medication to help you cope with him? I think I would go to therapy again or suggest couples therapy again, to try to work through this with an independent person. Maybe it’ll help your marriage, maybe he’ll realise what he’s doing wrong (he sounds very immature he may need leading through it) or maybe you’ll realise it’s a lost cause, but either way at least you’ll know you tried

Go back to individual therapy. It will help clarify things for you. Don't tell your husband if you don't need to. You are entitled to get help, and to privacy.

It’s ok to leave an unhappy marriage, it’s ok to work on one…it feels like you might be looking for permission to take the next steps, give yourself it if that’s what you need.

@MumInHer40s Is it bad that sometimes I sit there and think ‘would all this be easier on my own’? Any advice on how to deal with things would be helpful.

It would. Best of luck OP.❤️

Op

He is abusive and silent treatment is an example of emotional abuse. His reactions in and to therapy sessions are abuser 101 too.

Abuse is not a relationship issue and joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. He does not want you to continue sole counselling for yourself because you will
further realise in time what he is really like and he remains volatile. The nice/nasty cycle of abuse he shows you is also a continuous one. Contacting Women’s Aid would benefit you as would seeking legal advice.

It’s not your fault he is supposedly an insecure person. In the abusers head it’s always someone else’s fault and not their own.

And this morning he used DARVO against you. Read about DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim, offender).

AttilaTheMeerkat
Op
He is abusive and silent treatment is an example of emotional abuse. His reactions in and to therapy sessions are abuser 101 too.
Abuse is not a relationship issue and joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. He does not want you to continue sole counselling for yourself because you will
further realise in time what he is really like and he remains volatile. The nice/nasty cycle of abuse he shows you is also a continuous one. Contacting Women’s Aid would benefit you as would seeking legal advice.

While I agree silent treatment is a sort of a form of abuse, I think speaking about this and women’s aid in the same passage is potentially damaging depending on the op’s personality- you are making him out to be an evil abuser if you know what I mean, as opposed to someone who’s being a bit of an asdhole while things are going bad for them in their relationship. I honestly think there’s a difference.