Left abusive marriage but co-parenting means I’m never free, help

[Pinkpanther23]

Hi all

I’m 6 months out of a relationship that I saw, thanks to Mumsnet, was abusive and the guy is a full on covert narcissist.

Now I look back all the signs were there, the negging on the first date, enmeshment with his family, the way he spoke about past relationships.

As a refresh as maybe people might remember - savings were squandered in the marriage due to his recklessness, he’s a Doctor, smashed up formula pot until his knuckles bled, blames everything on me, this guy twists every word to make himself a victim. He’s a weirdo, ultimately. He was abused as a kid which I feel compassion for but he chooses to protect his family who don’t show up for him, vs the mother of his kids. I can’t believe I chose someone so damaged to be the father of my children.

Have a 1 and 8 year old and early 40s, small amount of savings, under the UC threshold so I’m currently claiming. I was freelance doing whatever bits I could since 2020 after recovering from severe long covid.

I am truly exhausted dealing with him. Mediation promptly ended as he was so rigid on his wants (clearly not child focussed) and the dynamic.

I have so many concerns about his emotional regulation around the kids but not enough to restrict contact.

Im having to deal with him and update him frequently not to mention see him and it’s like I haven’t escaped at all.

I feel so trapped in so many ways and live in an area with low paid local jobs and the remote school my eldest is in has sod all childcare provision after school. No family childcare available but occasional help if needed.

I feel like a broken woman and that no one will ever want me, that my life is a battle of just constantly batting this guy away and protect the kids from his chaos and struggling to make ends meet.

Please tell me when it gets better, I feel so scared and alone

Didn't want to just read and run at this time of night, so this is a quick post to keep yours ticking along.

Looking after young children is exhausting at the best of times so it must be all consuming with a co-parent who is so broken. A couple of questions for clarity-

are you married and seeking a divorce ? Is there anyway you could move to a better location ? Do you have a court agreed child care arrangement ? Do you have legal advice ?

I'm off to bed, but I hope others will be along soon

No court agreed child care arrangement
I can’t afford legal representation but have slightly over the threshold for legal aid, getting help through an IDVA and McKenzie friend
Divorce is actively going through

if I move, I will struggle to be able to rent due to income being so low and the market is competitive. Current rental is very good value and landlord owns it outright. Eldest settled in school also. I’m so stuck

I'd think of moving. Do you have family elsewhere? Remote location of the school and low paid local jobs don't sound great. Are you in a part of the Uk with high rents?

I moved from London to the north 8 years ago, I have family here. The lower costs of accommodation transformed my life. I couldn't have survived as a single parent without moving. I live near a train station, there is plenty of employment nearby and helpful neighbours on my terrace row.

putting physical distance between you and ex would make the world of difference. He might try to stop you moving via court, but if you have compelling reasons - family, employment, affordability etc - court is likely to back you moving.

Check out Jessrunsforsurvivors. This is post separation abuse and you need specialist advice and help. She’s brilliant.

Poor you. This is the worst of it whilst the divorce is going through. Just count the weeks / months down and think it WILL get easier.
What are you having to deal with him and update him about? Mediation had failed so is there anything you can stop communicating on with a ‘see you in court’ attitude? is it about access to children? Sale of the house? If you give us an idea we may be able to suggest alternative approaches. People who come out of relationships like this often maintain the behaviours they have learned that they must heed the abusive partner’s instructions when it is not necessarily the case.

I was there. It's time to decenter him - and the battle against him- from your life. Cultivate your own life, break the cycle of focusing on him as the problem, and things will slowly improve. He will not change but his impact on your will dissipate. This is what happened to me.

Like you i am also "stuck" geographically as i moved to another country for him and now i cannot leave due to custody agreement. But i do not call myself stuck and i work to reframe my way of thinking of it that way. You need to stop thinking of yourself as stuck in a high rent area near your kids school. You flip it and say "my kid is lucky they can keep attending the same school". Continuity after divorce for kids is important to keep all the other elements stable.

I am still in the co-parenting thick of it with kids 8 and 9 years old but i am not trying to "win" or convince anyone that i am the real victim here. I am still on a strict budget and have less economic resources than when i was married but i am free. You have emancipated yourself from him by leaving him but the next step is to EMANCIPATE YOUR MIND. Only you can do that.

I've had so much advice on my situation and believe yours is the best, thank you!

This is where the freedom comes, as you're right he will not change.

How did you let go of knowing they're spinning a tale of victimhood while you're the actual victim?

My husband truly believes he's wronged and it drives me wild. The man lost all our life savings due to his gambling, but is no doubt spinning a yarn that he's got no money because of maintenance etc etc.

I hate that some people will be believing I'm awful when I am protecting my kids from his chaos, and trying to piece together the fragments of my life after being involved with a covert narcissist abuser.

It sounds weird but reading Edith Eger's books really helped me (The Choice, and The Gift)

And a regular session with a psychologist!

He sounds awful by the way

@Pinkpanther23
What's your work position currently? How are you managing to pay rent and bills etc? It's not easy.

Hi I’m so so sorry this is happening to you.
i think ‘finding joy22’ outlook is so amazing. Getting the right frame of mind will turn this around but that’s no mean feat after all you have been through.
have you contacted women’s aid as they were fantastic with my daughter and her narcissistic ex. There’s the freedom programme and other resources. She got free legal aid through the a DV group as her ex was verbally abusive, changing weekends/ times last minute/inconsistent child maintenance etc .
shes now going through the courts for set child arrangements.
if your struggling can you see gp about counselling?
it may also be worth reporting any abusive behaviour or feeling intimidated to the police as well .
You’ve probably been advised to do this in your previous posts, so I apologise if I’m being repetitive.
sending you positive energy and hope you find your happy self again xxx

Oh if you met him you’d think he was so polite, vulnerable, mild mannered and misunderstood. Every interaction with him being OTT mr nice guy feels like gaslighting when I know the guy under the mask