If you're a social phone call person, can I ask how phone calls fit into your life?

[changeswillbemade]

I have an atypical speech disorder (in addition to quite a few other conditions) that makes phone calls excruciatingly stressful, even though my voice sounds normal. As I was undiagnosed until recently, I've never really been able explain to friends who've tried calling for a chat over the years why I couldn't manage the phone. While I've lost a few friendships because of this, I've also been lucky in that others have been happy to catch up in person or text instead and haven't taken massive offence. I nevertheless feel I haven't been able to develop the closeness with friends I see others enjoying and it makes me sad sometimes.

I recently found out that there's a new treatment set to become available at some point in the not too distant future, however, and while I know there's no guarantee it will work for me, for the first time in my life I'm wondering if I might be able to develop closer friendships. But I have no idea how you just start being a phone caller in mid life! I realise I will have to work a lot of this out for myself given the specifics of my own friendships (and I'm not looking to just start calling everyone I know and changing the dynamics of everything completely) but I just wondered if you could help me gather some informal data?

If you speak to friends on the phone, can you tell me how these calls fit in to your life? How many of your friends do you phone regularly? How many occasionally? And how long do you spend on the phone generally? What time of day do you do calls and how does this work with your partner/spouse and kids (if you have them) if you talk to friends a lot in the evenings? Do you text to arrange a time for a call first? Is this different for your friends with and without kids? I don't have kids but lots of my friends do - maybe they're at a stage in life where it's hard to make time for calls.

I obviously realise that this will vary greatly between individuals but it would still be helpful and interesting to know what the lives of phone call people look like! All replies greatly appreciated!

How exciting for you! I LOVE talking to my friends on the phone. I speak to two of them daily, others once or twice a week, some a couple of times a month.

All my friends know I operate a 1990s phone policy – i.e. don't try and schedule a call with me, just ring whenever you fancy and if I'm free, I'll pick up, if I'm not, I'll call you back when I am. Very few of my friends have kids – those that do I definitely speak to less often, but still at least once a month.

I have my wireless headphones in for calls, so I'll often be out on a walk chatting to a pal on the phone, doing laundry or dishes at home, knitting... With some friend we could easily be on the phone for a few hours, with others more like 30 minutes. It's the daily patchwork of small things that increases intimacy in my friendships, I think. We never have to have 'a big catch-up' because we're always involved in the little things over the phone.

I'm currently single and live alone, so I do whatever I want whenever I want, but my phone habits were the same when I lived with my ex-partner. He got used to it!

I'm 63 so.old school, I speak to most friends I don't see irl once a week, gossip, health issues, holidays, family etc. Local friends who I see but not often every 2 weeks, friends I see regularly only if it's a bit of gossip 😁. We have an active WhatsApp group and all meet up at least twice a month if not more x

Phone calls often in the car! (On hands free) I do WhatsApp friends or meet in person a lot more though. My dad I have to call as he's rubbish at texting

I ring my DF every day just sharing trivia. Sister a couple of times a week, for several hours. They both live 200+ miles away so it's difficult to just meet for coffee. Aged aunt at least once a week, different trivia to DF but around an hour. Two other friends once a fortnight for an hour or so each. With my landline contract calls under an hour are free, so often we stop at 59 minutes and and ring back for another half hour. I lve my landline. Local friends I can meet regularly.

I’m 61. If a friend calls me I assume someone has died.

We use WA.

I am not a massive fan of phone calls - I do have a couple of frriends I call sometimes tho, as they prefer it as a means of catching up. (One of then is dyslexic, so he really isn't great over text).

With that friend, we ttend to book in times to talk a couple of days in advance! Usually at the weekend. He likes to chat while walking his dog, and I usually go out onto the green/into the park to chat, so that we have more privacy (our flat is very small!)

My BFF, we usually text but sometimes talk oh the phone when one of us is having a stressful time, or upset. Again, I go outside for privacy.

The other person I speak to relatively often on the phone is DD's dad (we are divorced, but still friends). He is more of a sudden, out of nowhere caller -qgain, I think he often calls when walking the dog! These out of the blue calls don't work as well for me, so I only pick up about 50% of the time .....

Good luck - I hope your treatment works and enables you to enjoy a new element to your friendships! But I also wanted to say, that anybody who ditches you as a mate because you don't do phone calls is not much loss as a friend. Especially when this is down to a form of disability! We are fortunate to live in a world where we have so many opinions for keeping in touch with friends - while tech may not be good for us in all ways, this is one of its loveliest benefits I think!

I love a long phone call. I often arrange phone calls in advance these days, although I personally love nothing better than a friend phoning out of the blue for a chat; I can always let them know if it's inconvenient. I would normally phone a friend or relative after tea, during the time we'd otherwise probably be watching something on TV as a family. I like to 'walk and talk' so often go out for a walk while chatting, or I go to the spare room and curl up on a comfy chair. I can be on the phone anything from 20mins to an hour and a half. My life would be much the poorer without these chats, as most of my best friends are scattered to the four winds and we see each other once a year at most.

I absolutely hate receiving voice messages on WhatsApp and having to listen to long rambling messages which give me no joy, rather than having a proper chat which would give me joy. I hope you manage to find this joy!

I'm 42 and absolutely hate phone calls

It's not a requirement of friendship to chat on the phone OP. I can't even remember the last time I talked to friends on the phone. It sounds like you had pretty crap friends in the past. Even on a headset there's not much chatting. Just game stuff.

See them in person after messaging to meet up.

I do not like talking on the phone, never did (56 yo). Currently I mostly talk to my sister, or I should say she talks and I listen, sometimes one of my daughters will call, but for the most part it is just texting.

I’m not a phone call person and never have been. Even in my childhood, before mobile phones were a thing, I was confused when a friend would phone me after school. Like, I just saw you at school, what is the point of this phone call? What more is there to say? I think I struggle with the lack of visual cues and I’m terrible at small talk so everything just feels very unnatural and forced.

I have different communication methods with different friends. Some friends are mostly on WhatsApp or Messenger only. A few I regularly call, or they call me, probably not more than every two weeks, though: one friend for about 25 min; one friend we can talk to for an hour and a half most times. Other friends we just arrange to meet and then do that, so we aren't phone friends as such.

I don't mind voice notes, though, from my friend who is abroad. We are not in the same time zone, and it's hard to find a time to meet on the phone, so voice notes are a good compromise, and we get together once or twice a year in person.

I hope that your treatment works. Be upfront with any friends now that you have your diagnosis; I would not find it so much of an issue if someone couldn't speak on the phone, especially if I knew there was a reason behind it.

Oh wow, thank you! I didn't think I was going to get any replies so I went out for a walk and then I crashed a bit and was too drained to reply when I came back to loads, but I was delighted to read them all! And thank you for all the excitement, support and positivity!

Some great new lingo and vocab too - I especially like 1990s phone policy and a sudden, out of nowhere caller!

And this is all so interesting and helpful! I fully understand that not everyone is a phone call person having not been one myself so far in life and I will be mindful of that - no reason for anyone to talk on the phone if they don't want to. But it's lovely to read about the joy that some of you get from phoning and being phoned by friends!

I've only lost one or two friendships over this and to be honest - one very early on just didn't get off the ground (fair enough - nobody's compatible with everyone and to some people it's important to talk often). With the other, they just didn't understand that there was something wrong (and without a diagnosis it's very hard to explain). I'm sad about it but they weren't a bad person. I may contact them again and share my diagnosis. No idea how they'll feel at this point though.

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I have one friend who just calls for a chat when they feel like it, and if I can talk I pick up and if I cant talk I dont pick up. I do the same with them. I love it. As a reult we talk loads and she is a really close friend as a result.

How does that fit in? With earbuds pottering about at home or ealking the dog mostly, or more rarely sitting down with a tea.

Everyone else needs a scheduled time to attempt a phone call or worse - appears to be scared of the phone. 😞

I'm not sure I've had a single friend who I'd chat to regularly on the phone since I left university, with one exception. That was 25+ years ago. With her, we saw each other IRL but would schedule a call to pray together by phone once a week.

Most people are too busy for phonecalls IMO and it's hard for me to fit them in around caring for DC. I work long hours and don't really have leisure time to speak of, so any phone time is directly taken out of the time I have for the DC. Other friends are working in the day, then putting DC to bed, doing admin, seeing their spouse in the evening.

This is interesting and is making me think I should call friends more - I only really text. If you only call spontaneously though, wouldn't it be rare that both would be free? (I always seem to be chasing my tail with kids and work!)

I called my best friend before work this weeks whilst I walked the dog because we needed a catchup. Love chatting on the phone.

Sometimes give Mum a call while I’m cooking dinner, eating breakfast, having a bath.. anytime really.

With some people I text and say - fancy a chat? Then agree a time. With my octogenarian Mum , I just call and she answers or not.

I have a couple of friends with whom I have scheduled FaceTime calls but for the most part I communicate with my friends via WhatsApp.

There will be a lot of people who hate phone calls so how you handle it really depends on whom you are talking to.
My boyfriend and I call each other 3-4 times a day. Usually if one of us has 15 minutes spare, we just catch up quickly. I also call him first thing in the morning and we go about our morning routines while chatting for about an hour.
One of my friends is a SAHP with a disabled child and another at school so I know her life is very busy despite not working. I would usually schedule a call with her a couple of weeks in advance and we'd spend an hour catching up.
Another friend I will just call when I think of her and she would usually do the same. If we are busy, we call back the same day.
Another close friend has her phone permanently on silent. One of us will message and it may take a few hours or even the next day to get a reply. Slower pace suits her and I feel under no pressure to respond immediately. I know there is no point calling her as she won't respond.
I also have another friend I spend about 3 hours on a video call with every week.
I know it sounds like a lot of calling but I actually find it much easier and a lot less time-consuming than messaging. I have my phone on speaker and get on with tasks while we are chatting.

I'm 50 and quite happy to use the phone to speak to people (unlike pretty much any young person I know who would much rather wait for it to go to answerphone before deciding whether or not to respond), but I only generally speak to friends rarely on the phone.

The only people I routinely speak to are my kids, my parents and personal admin - bank, plumber, booking stuff etc. My bff I WhatsApp several times a day, see perhaps twice a year (she lives abroad) but only speak to her every few months. Most of my social calls to these folk happen when I'm driving home from work.

I prefer talking on the phone but so few people do these days it’s rare so it’s more messaging. I used to fit them in while going for a walk or I did stuff like fold laundry as it’s quiet.