Reactive abuse by ex

[MyAzureZebra]

Appreciate any thoughts or ideas please.

I've been apart from my ex (father of my two children) for over ten years. It wasn't a good relationship. We have generally co parented ok though.

I have realised he gaslights and engages in 'reactive abuse'. He 'forgets' arrangements, discussions and agreements, then makes things difficult. So I make sure I email or message any agreements so it's in writing.

Current issue : I'm going to a wedding abroad soon so I had arranged he'd have our kids for one week, booked a year ago. Of course he 'forgot', since then has made it awkward, relentlessly asked questions about small points about childcare whilst I'm away etc. He prodded me to the point over text and then in person that I exploded and cried in front of him and dc that I regretted ever asking to go to the wedding and I no longer wanted to go. I hit the wall in frustration when I screamed, I know I shouldn't have done this.

Of course the dc were very upset by my scream/crying, it is completely out of character, they know me as a calm, loving mum, not someone who loses it and has a very visible meltdown. I tried to reassure them and asked them to go upstairs whilst their parents had this discussion to try to resolve. Of course ex acted innocent, blamed me for reacting. After 10 minutes of me explaining to him why I felt he'd been so unkind, unfair and that he'd 'won' and I no longer wanted to go, he was no doubt delighted by getting this reaction.

Of course dont want to go to the wedding and I regret ever asking him. But im booked and paid a lot to go and if I cancel I'll let others down, it is a small wedding. But I'm so guilty for dc seeing me so upset and having been pushed to the limit. There's no one else I can ask to help.

Should I cancel? What do I say or do to dc as I know I can't undo what they witnessed. I'll never ask ex for a favour again. Of course this arrangement was never a problem for him. He just wanted me to suffer as he likes to control.

Thanks.

Please go. If you don’t, he wins. I would have a simple chat with the children privately.

Lesson learnt - never ask him to do it. If it’s in you time your arrange something/someone else. We have never made swopping work with arseholes. They always ruin whatever you are planning.

Can the kids go to a friend's? Could you pay to send them to a kids adventure holiday while you go to the wedding? Something like conkers? I am so annoyed that he is doing this to you. I really hope you can make it to the wedding. Xxxx

Absolutely do not cancel. You will enjoy it once you get there. It's obviously not ideal for your children to see you screaming and crying but it's a one-off event and they will survive. Just don't let it happen again - any difficult conversations with the ex must be had away from the children and that's non-negiotable. Children suffer when they witness parental conflict and it's just not fair on them.

In the future, if you want to avoid conflict, do your best not to rely on him and his goodwill, because he doesn't have any and will just use it as an excuse to upset and antagonise you. You have to take away his power - keep everything in writing and don't ever let him see that he's got to you. Practice calm, polite and distant. Remind yourself that one day your children will be old enough to manage their own relationship with him and you will not have to have any contact with him at all - that's something to look forward to!

You are doing everything you can to be a good parent and you should feel proud of yourself that, unlike him, you put your children first. He's a sad, pathetic loser of a man if he gets enjoyment out of scoring petty points against the mother of his children. Shame on him. You can be the bigger person and play the long game - don't engage in the mind games and always remember that you are the better person and parent!

Thanks. Unfortunately there isn't really a friend they could go to. He usually has them two nights per week, this is nine consecutive nights as the week coincides with both his usual days. I offered to have them before and after for extra days, some of which he asked for.

Thing is they are secondary age and really easy. He's out of work atm but because they are at a school local to me these extra days will require four additional round trips to their school at 30 minutes each way.

But I know he's only been prodding and awkward over it because he enjoys the power and pushing me. He also knows I can't easily cancel.

@whippersnapper55 thank you. I have been quite effective at not asking him for favours for a few years now and being unreactive to his prods. I think he caught me out this time because it's the longest I'll have been away from the dc and it was some sustained antagonistic prodding which just made me wish I'd never asked to go.

If only he had been a normal person who'd just said no problem, you asked me a year ago, have a nice week away!

Thankfully dc are teenagers and so his power over me is really dwindling, they will be independent adults in not many years. I'll never ask him again though. If there's another trip abroad I'll have it wait until dc are 18!