Should I prioritise helping my daughter or protecting my relationship?

[Justpeachy13]

My daughter had a baby with a man who I knew wasn’t going to stick around but they made the decision anyway. Half way through the pregnancy my daughter was upset and crying and I told her not to worry I’ll be there to help. We work at the same place so could work different shifts and I could help take care of the baby while she’s working. However, I hadn’t had a conversation my partner about this because tbh I wanted to make my daughter feel happier and it was spur of the moment. I’m in a same sex relationship and she never wanted children. She loves my children and grandchildren but doesn’t want to co parent as it were. I want to help my daughter, of course I do but I’m happy in my relationship and I don’t think my partner would want to stay in the relationship if I help my daughter in this way. I also don’t want my partner to stay with me if this isn’t what she wants. I hope this makes sense. My partner is a good person and helps all the time with my family she just doesn’t want to do it half the time. Any advice will be appreciated. I intend to have a conversation with my daughter about work going forward.

I think you've decided haven't you.

• you want to help your daughter
• you know your partner doesn't want this set up
• you don't want to continue the relationship if this isn't what she wants

It's ok to choose your daughter over your partner. I would every time.

I think it would be worth you thinking about what feels right and best for you OP.

You are a human being first, and then a mother and a partner.

Do you want to be a very involved grandparent doing a high level of care?

Do you want to prioritise your relationship and do you need more rest/relaxation at this point in your life?

Take some time to think things through, don't over commit at this point and then communicate clearly and kindly with both of them.

Do you live with your partner?
If you do, then this 100% should have been discussed and agreed with them. It impacts their life, home, finances

I would absolutely choose my DD and DGC over a partner.

I’m sorry but if my partner would support my child with me through their hardest time I wouldn’t want them around. Talk to them first, help your daughter you know she’ll need to more than anyone.

Could you find a middle ground? Maybe have the baby once a week and your daughter also use childcare? You want to help your daughter but you say you’re also happy in your relationship so why should you be the one to sacrifice? Your daughter is an adult and made the decision to have a baby so she has to also now figure some stuff out herself. It shouldn’t all be on you to help sort it out

It isn’t ’half the time’ as in 24x7/2 though, it’s ‘half her working hours’ which is probably around 15 hours.
I would help my daughter.

It sounds like you’re going to split up then. You’ve made a unilateral decision to coparent a baby, that’s absolutely massive and your partner who’s already very involved in your family for someone who didn’t want children sounds like she’s hit her limit. More than reasonable.

"I intend to have a conversation with my daughter about work going forward"

You're coming at this from the wrong angle @Justpeachy13, the conversation needs to be with your partner.

If she is seriously suggesting the end of your relationship because you are supporting your daughter through a very difficult time atm, then you really need to examine your own instincts, if you're hesitating.

Op you deserve to be happy also, but this should have been discussed. Your DD is now a mother through choice and she really needs to get on board that this baby is her responsibility in the main.

I would always help.my DD over any partner.

Your daughter made her choice and shouldn't expect a 50:50 arrangement for her childcare. That you're actively considering this as solution to her problem seems to suggest that you're not really invested in your relationship tbh.

If that the case let your partner go.

If my DH made the unilateral decision that he would be spending the majority of time he’s not working looking after our joint grandchild, without even discussing it with me first, I wouldn’t be thrilled tbh.

Do you and your DD both work full time in opposite shifts? How many hours of childcare are we taking about?

You don’t know that. There’s such a variety of shift work, it could be that the OP works 3 x 12 hr days and then so does her DD. So the OP could now be committed to 6 days a week working plus childcare.

Asking your partner to be a co-parent to what is her step grandchild when you’ve already agreed to it is completely unreasonable.

It’s not her fault the baby’s dad has disappeared and she doesn’t have to step in and parent. The baby has its mum and you.

I understand why you’d want to support your own daughter but you’ve gone about this the wrong way. Your actions will have deprived your whole family of someone who seemed to have cared about them and been a good presence in their lives if you expect them to parent without asking them.

If you’re both working, nursery or a childminder seems to be the sensible compromise for part of the time instead of taking this all on yourself.