Found out about affair but can’t leave (yet)

[BacktoBlack1010]

I’ve found out that my husband has been having an affair. I’ve found lots of email confirmations about hotel bookings, restaurants and erotic presents, jewellery. I’ve confronted him with this and he’s denying the affair. He’s saying that because he doesn’t get enough love and sex from me, he’s had to have workarounds to make him that little bit happier. I’ve told him that I’m done (he had an affair before stating the same when our kids were very young). I didn’t leave before because I was too scared to disrupt the kids lives. I’ve told him that I don’t love him anymore as I don’t trust him, and have moved into the spare room. Also I’ve told him to leave me alone as I don’t want him gaslighting me anymore (I had my suspicions about an affair, but every time I asked, he would deny it). It’s been 3 days and on the first night he came to the spare room for a cuddle and to talk. I said that he could come in, but it didn’t change how I felt. I told him that I have given my best to the marriage but clearly I wasn’t enough, and I don’t want to be ‘not enough’ for anyone. I said that I didn’t hear any remorse or apology about the evidence that I have found. He said that if I was sorry for speaking to him ‘in a way that he didn’t like’ then he would be sorry to. I honestly don’t know what he’s talking about. I just don’t think that we are compatible anymore. The awkwardness is killing me though. I want to move out, but if I’m honest, I don’t want to leave my kids and my dog. I haven’t said anything to the kids yet- they seem oblivious as DH and I are still civil to each other in front of them. When it’s just us we don’t say anything. I’m dreading the weekend- we always do everything together- dog walk, theatre, shopping etc etc. I don’t know how I'm going to survive the weekend. I’m sure he will want a chat at some point, but every day I’m uncovering more evidence of this affair and it’s making me so angry. He’s never wanted counselling, and for years I’ve been suggesting it. Now that I have moved out of our room he’s suggesting it, but I don’t think I want to carry on with this marriage anymore. Sorry for the long post. If you’re still reading it to the end, then thank you. Everything is all very raw and I haven’t told anyone about it.

From what you have written, there is no future in the marriage. I'm really sorry you're married to such a shit. Let this be the final time he treats you like this.

This guy treats you like sh*t. Show your kids they don’t have to put up with someone who treats your badly. Leave him, take some time to realise you are better than that, then find someone who values you!

good luck xx

He’s asking you to apologise to him? And if you do he will apologise for his affair? What an absolute joke! How dare he.

Give this man nothing. Do not let him come into your room for a cuddle. Stop talking to him about the situation, you are right, he will only use it to gaslight you further. Don’t do counselling. Start taking steps to leave immediately. No more discussion. Find a close friend or family member to confide in who can support you and remind you why this needs to be over.

Your life will be better on the other side of this. I don’t believe your husband will ever change. He can’t even apologise to you and clearly feels no real remorse.

So your husband blames you for his cheating?! He has been gaslighting you for years deflecting all of his faults onto you. His ego is off the charts. He didn’t like the way you spoke to him after finding evidence of his affair so unless you apologise for hurting his feelings he won’t apologise to you! He’s not sorry at all, he thinks he is beyond reproach and can solve everything with a cuddle. He think the world revolves around him. He is probably sulking in bed because you’ve hurt his feelings. I would get my ducks in a row and find out what my options are, do you own your own home? Are you renting? What would you be entitled to if you divorce? You are bringing up children so why should you leave. At the weekend refuse to engage with him, go out with the dog on your own. Don’t allow him to pretend everything is ok apart from you are having a mardy. He is a cheater and you deserve better.

Please don’t keep this to yourself. Is there someone you trust you can reach out to? You deserve so much better than this guy.

You let them get away with it once they do it again
raise your standards and leave
set a good example to your kids and be kind to yourself

I have complete sympathy for your situation and I could have written a large amount of your post backtoblack I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

I have been living quietly with this knowledge for a while. Affair has stopped now until the next time it happens.
I don't want to see my dc 50% of the time. My youngest dc is still in primary school. We live close to dc's school and dc's friends.
I have various minor health issues and so has my husband. Neurodivergence plays a factor - most of us in the household are affected by it and I am attempting to hold on to stability. I also have very little support in real life - remaining family members live abroad.

We co-parent and share chores and keep things ticking over on a practical basis. Financially comfortable and house big enough to allow plenty of space. Manage to remain civil most of the time in front of dc. I'm slowly building my own life outside of the home such as a larger social network. It is taking some time. I was used to doing everything as a couple/family and it is difficult. I have been living in an insular bubble without having many other friends etc. around me. My relationship is over and I feel a lot of grief. I've been living like this for a number of years. The only relief I have found is that I have been able to share my situation with a couple of very close friends. Some friends I have known for a number of years have not been supportive backed away. You certainly find out who your friends are.

It really isn't ideal it's a sort of living arrangement. For me, I weighed up the biggest regret taking into account various factors. I was very close to leaving. I couldn't do it. I know of someone else living in a dysfunctional relationship (minus an affair). I'm guessing it is fairly common unfortunately. I hope you can do what is right for you.

You can take the children and the dog with you when you move.

in the meantime remember that he doesn’t tell you important information. He doesn’t tell you when he wastes money on his mistress. He doesn’t tell you if he is risking your health with exposure to STIs. He wont tell you if he is speaking to a solicitor. He wont tell you if he is making plans to move out.

Keep your plans to yourself. He can learn about your move the day it happens. He can learn about the divorce the day he is served.

I said that I didn’t hear any remorse or apology about the evidence that I have found. He said that if I was sorry for speaking to him ‘in a way that he didn’t like’ then he would be sorry to.

@BacktoBlack1010 this alone would be enough for me to tell him to fuck off out of my sight and hearing. How fucking dare he not like the way you spoke to him. I don't yell but my oh my, I'd be hitting volume in response to that bullshit. You DO NOT owe him an apology of any sort. He is manipulating you - you didn't give him love and affection, you spoke to him meanly. It's all your fault his poor male ego had to find someone else to shag so he felt "desired". Maybe if he'd manned up at home, showered you with attention and affection (instead of doing that to someone else) and pulled his weight with family stuff you would have been inclined to have a physical relationship. Physical relationships are next to impossible when sex just feels like another chore before you're allowed to go to sleep.

If you had left the first time you would be living a happy life maybe with the right man loving life. You stayed. How did that work out for you? Stay and your life will be misery.

This.

Write this into your phone and read it every time you feel yourself wavering and thinking he’s not so bad or you can fix it or it might be partially your fault.

He’s an entitled shit who deflects all his selfish actions onto you. Don’t stand for it. You’re right to take your time. But don’t go back to him because he will NEVER be a loving, caring partner. He’s the only one in his world that really counts! Plan your future at your own pace. Take steps one by one as you can deal with them.

Do you have any friends or family you can trust to wholly back you (not those who will insist that you stick to your marriage vows, I mean those that will support you to do the best for you, whatever you decide that to be).

The utter arrogance of this despicable individual! I’m so very sorry you’ve been hurt by his disloyalty and deviousness but to then turn his behaviour around & lay the blame at yr door, what the HECK!!

He sounds a right nasty conniving piece of work. Please get your financial records etc together, make a Solicitors appointment very very soon. He’s the sort to empty out bank accounts when he realises separation is a reality. Best of luck I do wish you well.