Feeling warm towards cheating ex and angry towards OW - advice please!

[NC3952697]

In June I found out for sure that my husband was having an affair with a mutual friend. He admitted it (finally, after many point blank refusals over months). He’s moved out and we have filed for divorce.

I’m sure this is the right thing for me and our children (DCs between 4-7). But I find we are getting on very well again when we are together. I couldn’t go back to a marriage, but is it a problem that we seem to have gone straight to being best friends? I am very confused.

Meanwhile, the mutual (ex)friend is acting like nothing has happened which I am finding very difficult to deal with. They are no longer seeing each other as far as I know. She is staying out of my way but our children go to the same school and we do the same hobby in a small town so I am still seeing her all of the time. All of my anger seems to be directed at her which is probably not fair but that’s the way I feel. I seem to be getting more angry and not less. Do I need to try to let it go or maybe force a proper confrontation to get it off my chest?

Any advice or solidarity welcome, wise women.

I think you need to remember your ex was the one who made the promises to you. Yes the ow is in the wrong too but that as much as your ex

He played you then, and he's playing you now. Best friend? He's shat all over your life and has zero respect for you. He's acting as a friend because it makes his life easier.

All of that is true but if you can be okish with him it makes your children’s life easier

neither of them sound like good people - time to start a martial art or therapy to let some anger out!

Well I guess first of all you have a lot of history with your ex: not only your two children, you will have many loving and happy memories of him. When things are going well, it’s easy to forget the bad stuff and remember the good stuff.

Regarding the ex friend: you say you found out in June after several months of questioning the possible affair. This woman was supposedly your friend: she betrayed you by sleeping with your husband. They have now split up, and she’s getting on with her life as if nothing happened. Effectively she helped ruin your marriage – your family life – and has seemingly moved on without repercussion. From my point of view, I think it’s difficult to think favourably of anyone who gets involved with a married person, and then bails within months.

I am not for one second saying that what she did was worse than what your husband did: I’m probably not explaining myself very well, but what I mean is: you have shared love, children, history, happy memories with your ex. You do not have that with her. Plus: your ex may now be on his ‘best behaviour’ - It’s in his interest to keep you on side.

You are right to be angry with her. Anyone who sleeps with a married person/someone they know is in a relationship and has kids is just as bad as a cheater-I'm not saying women should be expected to be better than men, or talk about "girlcode", but the point is, he and she are equally bad.
And while you should be equally mad at your ex, your kids are half him, you made them together, so it would be difficult to have no feelings. If he's staying in their lives, you also have to get on with him and communicate, it's very difficult for kids when their parents are split, and I've seen too many friends suffer from a bitter divorce.

op without getting deep on a friday night it’s the patriarchy. really. it feels personal but you’ve been groomed to see men as pathetic and woman as corrupting.

Internalised misogyny. You have higher standards for a woman than a man. Even though the man in question was the one who literally promised not to do what he did.

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I agree that this bs about wicked women tempting the poor defenceless men is damaging. But, I can’t seem to talk myself out of either the warmth towards him or the anger towards her.

I do think I would feel much better if she were to apologise to me. I’ve had no contact from her at all despite us being good friends eg we went away for a weekend just the two of us, we bonded over our hobby, and she ‘supported’ me when I confided in her about difficulties in my marriage.

You're allowed to be angry at her. People, especially friends, have a social and emotional responsibility not to have affairs with their friends' spouses!

However, just remember it was your husband who chose to have children with you, it is him that was willing to have an affair with your friend (giving you even more potential future trust issues), and it is your husband who agreed to be faithful to you.

Your DH has betrayed you in the worst way possible. You really should find your anger. She’s irrelevant.

I could not disagree with this more. If OW was a stranger, then maybe. But this bint was OPs “friend”. I don't know how your friendships work but there is nothing, ever, that could induce me to do this to a friend. This woman is a disloyal, vile cunt. End of. Does that make ops husband any less of a disloyal, vile cunt? No.

Your husband and the other woman both betrayed you. It's good to have a working relationship with the father of your children, but do you need to be friends with her?

She's an absolute POS but he is worse! Best friend..WTF? Your kids are between 4 and 7 (tiny) and he destroyed your family unit ..for what? Be civil for the sake of the kids but please don't be fooled. This man is NOT your friend.

Your H is playing nice because it suits him & if he keeps you sweet he’ll be hoping you go easy on him regarding the financial settlement if/when you divorce.

As for her, it’s a real pity you see her as often as you do, obviously she’s no conscience, remorse or decency. Couple of snakes both of them.

My ex went off with my best friend 40 years ago. I only see them at occasions like weddings and christenings and I do speak to them. Neither of them have ever apologised so don’t hold your breath. I could still feel angry about what happened but mainly because I had to fight for child maintenance . While they were living the life of Riley me and the children nearly lost our home. I refused to keep their dirty secret and at the time I told anybody who would listen. Be civil for the children but he is not your friend. Friends don’t behave like that.

He's trying to be very nice to you because you're going a through divorce. He needs you to be nice to him so that when he asks for things in the divorce you give it to him because your "friends" and so you don't try to go after more that you're entitled to. Once the divorce is finalised and he's got what he wants I wouldn't be surprised if him and the other woman got back together publicly. I doubt they've broken up, they've just got better at hiding it so you're not bitter during the divorce proceedings

Did you miss the part about her being ‘her friend?’

Hardly irrelevant when it’s a double betrayal!

With best friends like that (who betray you, fuck someone else, put you at risk of STIs, and destroy your children's family and happy lives - because let's not pretend that divorce benefits them), who needs enemies?

I suspect you're directing all your anger towards her because you have to interact with your ex to co-parent, and it's 'easier' for you if you displace all the anger towards him onto her and make her carry the entire blame.

But while civility is necessary, why on earth would you feel 'warmly' towards him after he's destroyed your family and life, all for the sake of fucking your friend?

Naturally your husband is being nice because he wants you to be kind to him regarding the financial settlement. Find your backbone!

I'm not sure it is to do with gender to be honest.

Same thing seems to be happening with me with my wife. I found out she was having an affair. I have filed a divorce but we are still living together and get on fine (our kids don't know yet)

She's seems totally broken and I actually feel really sorry for her. I'm not sure I even want to go through with the divorce anymore and she wants to reconcile.

I don't know / see the other guy but I did have to call him to find out what was going on at the time. The reality is he didn't owe me anything and from what I gather he was under the impression we had separated, so I guess he hasn't wronged me but even so I'm pretty sure I'd be angry if I ran into him.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, I think we're in a similar boat and I think it's just attachment playing out.

There seems to be a lot of posts on here encouraging you to be angry etc but i dont think they are helpful.

The other woman doesn't have to be in your life and he does, so if you can have a good relationship with him that's not a bad thing and will be much better for your kids.

I disagree completely. It’s not misogynistic to be angry with a friend who betrayed you. Especially one who then continues to rock up to a hobby group like nothing’s happened! She’s got a brass neck. I would be livid with her.

In terms of the husband. When your marriage ends due to infidelity you go through all the stages of grief. This softening that OP is feeling is the ‘bargaining’ phase. “Isn’t he actually quite lovely underneath everything he’s done? It’s such a shame, it could have all been so different…” etc. It’s completely normal and it will pass.

I think initially when you first discover infidelity that the feelings are so utterly intense and overwhelming that you can’t sustain that level of anger long term. Our brains make us flit between rage and love. You can’t just turn it off. It takes a long time to process.

It’s got nothing to do with misogyny. If her DH had had an affair with a male friend I’m sure she’d feel the same.

I think it’s a mix of the bargaining stage of grief and sometimes when you separate after something like this is perversely removes a lot of pressure from the situation. I found my and my ex suddenly got on a lot better once we ended our marriage even though he also cheated, because we didn’t have the intimate tension of a failing marriage.

He made a promise to you, made a family with you, then chose to not only break that promise but to do it by sticking himself in your best friend ensuring that he wrecked both your family and your friendship in one fell swoop.

Whilsr you are now nice to him he is absolutely getting away with it and will continue to. He will no longer have to play by family rules but gets to play at happy families when it suits, and you are rolling out the red carpet for him. He’s the cat that got the cream and you are being a doormat.

Be angry at both of them, but especially him.

‘we seem to have gone straight to being best friends’: this implies you think that’s the way divorces tend to go? Odd train of thought.

He’s not your friend. Improve your boundaries. You can still be nice to him when you discuss the DC and practical stuff if that helps you. If he genuinely means well he will continue to co parent and be nice. If his treatment of you changes when you introduce boundaries then he was pretending.

OW isn’t the main problem here

He's a liar. He knows how to lie convincingly. Why would you believe a word he says?