I think I might need to leave my partner and I am scared that I can’t and that I have no idea how. I’m scared for my child and being a bad parent. We are married with a shared mortgage. We aren’t rich, I make just enough to cover expenses with a small amount left over, just enough for a couple of hobbies, weekend activities and stuff. I worked my whole life to buy this lovely house too. And we have a three year old girl that adores her life, adores both parents, loves her nursery. I rely on childcare full time to work.
But things with my partner have gone from bad to worse. I believe she may be emotionally abusive. I live in constant fear of the next thing I’ve done wrong. I never know when it’s coming next, only that it is. I came home today and said I was going for a quick nap - somehow we ended up in a 20 minute conversation about how awful and selfish and manipulative I am. Yesterday we had the same because I forgot to take her yoga mat upstairs, the day before I didn’t put sweet chilli sauce in the noodles. It is constant. I’ve been off work this week sick from burnout but I am not burnt out from work I am burnt out from being tense all the time in my own home.
But how can I do this? I don’t know if I can afford to live. Nursery is £600 a month. And my daughter! She relies on me so much for comfort, I don’t know how she’d cope if we went 50/50. She wouldn’t understand. What if she thought I wasn’t there because I didn’t want to be? So do I endure the abuse and hope this is a phase and gets better? Do I try to be better to get away from the criticism? It’s never worked before. I do try, I know I am not perfect. It seems selfish to take my daughter’s life from her. She is happy in the home she has, she wants both of us around. This isn’t her fault.
I feel very very stuck right now.