How do I stay positive while my ex moves on?

[Buggy241]

Just coming for some "spirit lifting" if that's OK.

I'm an independent woman, single for almost 4 years. Marriage broke down due to my husband being unfaithful and it took me a really long time to realise how little respect he had for me and get the confidence to leave as his actions had destroyed me.
I'm not in the best place but I do value myself nowadays, I'm capable, I don't need a man (although I'd like one), I have an ok job, a home, amazing friends, brilliant kids that are always at the forefront of my decisions and go to therapy to "work on myself".

He has been up and down on coparenting. Some days, great, others not so. He tries to remove the kids from school activities on my days because "they are his kids so he can do what he likes", he introduced his new partner and her children to them before discussing it (even though we explicitly agreed to on our divorce), and a number of other things.
Anyway, he is now happily settled with a new woman who seems nice. She's pretty, has a nice personality and most importantly is kind to my kids. She's more than he deserves but I guess that's the payoff to have someone who is good to my kids.

What I need is a reminder of what to focus on to keep on a positive mind set. As it always in life the ones who did the damage seem to swan off into the sunset happy, but I'd prefer to not dwell on that and focus elsewhere so any uplifting reminders would be great.

Could you throw yourself into work more, have a career move ? or plan holidays with your good friends, or even go by yourself somewhere ?
im just trying to see how to give yourself a boost, hth ❤️

You never know what someone’s relationship is actually truly like. You just don’t. You are judging a book literally by its cover.

When I divorced it was horrendous. I had two children, two dogs and so much debt I couldn’t keep the house.

Ten plus years on things are very different. I am married. We own two large houses, I’m part time, husband is early retired. I still have the two dogs, I can leave work whenever I like and take early retirement pension next year if I want. We never have to use our pensions to live. We have enough capital.

My ex caused the divorce due to his nasty behaviour and he lives alone, eldest hasn’t seen him since they were 7. The youngest is now a teenager and thriving and sees him maybe 4/5 a year (holidays). Meanwhile I invested in my job, career, in my life, book clubs, knitting clubs etc I did 5 years of therapy and it was a game changer.

Invest in yourself, education, free online courses etc

The comment about not seeing inside their relationship is key.

Adult characters don't change much, even with a LOT of work.

You're seeing the stage you were at with him which made you choose to marry him.

She (sadly) will see what you saw of him if she sticks around long enough because what caused his poor behaviour was inside him.

I totally know what you mean op.

but I remind myself that I know what it was like living with ex. So while their life looks perfect from the outside it just won’t be.

Thanks all.
I've recently moved roles so am developing in that area (I think), although I'm not overly driven in that area so there is a ceiling of how much responsibility I'd like.
I have a big holiday planned with my kids to make some great memories but outside of that I don't have the finances right now to be able to take lots of trips.

And yes, correct that they are still in those early stages, although I'll admit that there were clear issues from just over a year in for me but I had some rejection/isolation trauma previously that meant I didn't leave at the first point i should have 😬

Thanks for the understanding lifting comments, exactly the reminders I need whilst I adjust to this new setup.

Well done OP, being a strong and independent woman can't be underestimated, you should feel proud of yourself!

I think most men move on quickly because they're needy and pathetic and rubbish at being on their own! It's human nature to want him to suffer for the way he treated you but in reality if he's happy and settled that's better for your kids and therefore better for you - hopefully it'll mean he's less likely to be a dick towards you!

As you know, what you see from the outside isn't always the truth of the relationship so don't let envy creep in - you are free of him and that's so much better!

I guess you have to let go of him appearing to have ‘won’. You are no longer with this poor excuse of a man, which will always make you a winner.

Every time Ex could have been seen as winning, not paying maintenance, new wife and a kid on the way. I always reminded myself that I’m no longer with him, which even when I was struggling financially, meant I was always better off.

Thank you. These are all exactly what I needed. I know once I have adjusted to it all and it doesn't feel so raw it'll be fine.
I've put my kids at the forefront every time so what matters more is their happiness than whether their dad is in a relationship or not.
I know he's not the nicest person as he's always been disrespectful to me, hurt me, chosen himself over me and his family, so I'm glad I'm not with him especially as I made big personal sacrifices for the relationship and he repaid me how he did.

Sometimes you just need a little head wobble to remind you of it all, so thank you.