How do you pull the trigger to LTB? Did anybody regret it?

[0will0i0regret0it0]

(He's not really a B, but you know what I mean.)

I just can't bring myself to do it! I want to do it so badly. Today.

But it just feels sooo... final.

I won't go into all the issues we have because those in themselves are not really the reason I want to leave him, because I genuinely think they could be resolved with improved communication. However what I have come to realise is that he doesn't want to work on himself or his/our communication, he puts all the blame on me (I'm not innocent but it's definitely not all on me). He refused to entertain couples counselling when I suggested it initially a few months back, then eventually has relented so I found someone and we had the first session earlier this week, he seemed vaguely amenable to it during the session, and to doing the practice exercise at home. Yesterday (during another argument) he basically said the exercise was a joke, he only went to the session to humour me anyway and thinks it's pointless etc etc. I believe he is beyond any help and I don't want to continue to push issues under the carpet constantly just to keep the peace. For a long time I've been hoping that he will see past his ego, for the kids' sake, but he seems unable to do so and just keeps telling me that it's me who needs to change.

Married for 9 years, primary aged DCs and teen/tween SDCs. So it'll be messy to leave as our lives will take some effort to separate.

I know deep down that it's the right thing to do.

I know that I personally will be happier in the short term, and he will be too.

Finances and housing are not an issue.

But I worry about my DC (who are 4 and 7) - how will they handle it? I feel so so sad for them. My little babies who have such an obliviously happy carefree life right now - and I'm about to turn it upside down and turn it into a world where they're going back and forth between two houses and caught between parents.

I worry about telling everyone. My family and friends who think he's awesome and think that we had an amazing & strong marriage, and will probably be blindsided by this and urge us to try to work things out.

And I feel sad about the dreams me and DH once had of growing old together, enjoying travelling more as a family when the DCs were all older, enjoying the fun we'd have in retirement etc etc.

I just feel sad and don't want to take this step. But I do want to. But I don't want to. It's like I've made it right to the edge of the cliff but I'm not willing to take the leap.

I never regretted it. It was VERY messy. But my life is infinitely better now.

You have tried to make it work and he's not engaging with what you're doing. He will never change if you continue to flog the dead horse.

Sending you strength ❤️

No regret here either - we just became the wrong people for eachothe and I could not waste 30-40 years ahead with the wrong person who would also never change. The process was tough and took two years but absolutely no regrets. Kids pick up on when things are not right, they are resilient and just need a lot of cuddles and reassurance through it all. You just have to hang on to the certaintly all the way through the process because it can feel like hard work.

Ps dont worry about what people say or think - its your life and decision. Listen to Amicable podcasts they are very helpful

Occasionally briefly regret it then see the b and remember instantly ha

Mine was a different situation but a lot of my friends are also divorced and I would say once you initiate it you need to hold onto your hat because it is like an asteroid belt of change and bullshit. Then it’s over and the big kid is becoming tweenage and every time you forget they have sulky hormones you wonder if they are damaged by the split. BUT, mainly everyone is infinitely happier. Especially people like you — you sound at a place of wanting personal growth and shedding off old compromises. Those people are the happiest, and when they’re stopped from that growth, by having their wings clipped in a stale marriage, the children feel it keenly too. Best to go. Rip it up and start again.

Not just do I not regret it, the distance/separation brought clarity about just normal the toxic behaviour had become, so I am deeply grateful minute to minute that I am not still with the B. Leaving the B was the biggest quality of life improvement for me and our child.

If finances and housing are not an issue, then you are already in a stronger position than many who need to get away from a STBEX. It does rather sound like he wouldn't take it too badly anyway, given that he thinks he's doing nothing wrong and everything negative is on you.

I would look at practicalities (will you and DC leave or will you get him to leave if he will?) and worst case scenarios if he kicks off. Visit a solicitor too, to find out how things could be split.

I do know how you feel, it's never an easy thing to do and I prevaricated for years. So glad I did it in the end, though. Good luck.

Nope, best thing I ever did because now I'm married to a lovely man who treats me so well.

No point regretting leaving something broken! If it helps keep a list on your phone of the wankerish things they say/do and if you worry in the future you have something to remind you of the reality rather than the rose tinted memories.

I would add a note of caution that if they have ever been violent you need to be very careful, as when they know you are trying to get out you are in the most danger. Make sure you are safe, call helplines if you need to.

Thankyou all 💜
Definitely need to hear more solidarity like this.

Just know your thoughts are normal. I had the same ones when I decided to end my first marriage. He was the same as yours and didn't want to be at counseling, so of course counseling can't work if it's one-sided.

To ease your mind a bit, think of your kids being grown and in an unhappy marriage like yours. Would you advise them to suck it up and stick it out? You love them, so I doubt it. So love yourself like you love them.

So that your decision doesn't freeze you in fear, make a list of tasks to be completed and begin with the easiest to tick off, such as taking him off as a co-user of your bank accounts and credit cards, if that's your situation. You can also begin reading articles on best practices to begin the process of separation.

Though you will be financially sound, don't rush the process or give-in to his demands if it means you will be slighted from a fair distribution. Some people just want to give in and give up what they shouldn't for a quicker resolution, trying to avoid extended stress. But that's a mistake, as it will forever affect you in the long run.

Take care.

I ended my marriage after 25 years. It was really, really emotionally painful for me. The whole process, from thinking about it, to doing it was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I am a war survivor. I felt all kinds of emotions from sadness to guild to sheer terror. Once I started thinking about it I started experiencing physical symptoms, could not sleep, started having heart palpitations, my blood pressure started going up and down. It was really bad. Even after he moved out, it took a long time for me to become stable again and not freak out when thinking about it.

Did I regret it... not for one single second. We have been apart for over 5 years and I really enjoy my life. It is very simple life but it is a life that my kids and I get to enjoy however we want. Thinking back all I feel is a wonder at why I let it go on for so long because I was so, so unhappy.

It's tough, my kids were around your kids age when my marriage ended. Seeing them only half the time is really tough, tbh I do regret it. They are only young for such a short time. I despise my exh but I realise now I should have just put up with it until they were older and had moved out.

This is what I fear 😢

You will adapt to the times they are with them. Often when kids are involved the ex has to actually do more parenting than they did as part of the marriage, which can make them resentful or (rarely) recognise what they were failing at and feel remorse. Prepare for some fuckwittery with maintenance payments is my best advice. It is the worst case scenario but sadly very common.

It isn't easy but so much better for the kids to have parents who have interests and a more balanced life than two miserable and resentful adults arguing and making the home feel like a battleground.

I never regretted it, only that I didn’t do it sooner. Kids are resilient and will get through the changes with the right support. Whatever you think, they’ll know what’s happening to a greater or lesser extent. Go with your gut.

My only regret was that I didn’t do it sooner.