Have those with young kids left a marriage over loneliness and lack of intimacy?

[Jazzyjewels]

I've read a few posts on here about what to do if you're in a sexless marriage, but I'm wondering have any of you actually left the marriage because of this - and had children with them?

We have a 5 year old son and haven't had sex since, and im 42. I feel lonely and resentful. I dont want an affair or open relationship. I want to feel desired and wanted by my partner. I want the intamacy. He just says he's always tired or stressed when I try to talk about it and now I feel so rejected I don't want sex with him anymore. It affects my mental health and my self esteem so much. Hes a great man otherwise and a great dad, does all the DIY and works hard. But it feels very platonic.

Do people actually leave their partners because of how lonely they are, knowing they would lose some access to their children? This isn't just about sex, it's about constant bad communication, no intamacy emotionally or physically - we don't even kiss anymore, we don't go on dates, I just feel like I'm shrinking.

I just wondered how others feel and cope

Would you be willing to try couples counselling?

Could it work to get a babysitter, dress up and go out once a fortnight for dinner and drinks?
You need to reconnect, the connection goes with small children because they take all our energy,
Baby steps but this might start things off xx

I think OPs situation has gone beyond young children taking all your energy. No sex for 5 years since the birth of your son is very, very extreme. I'm assuming your dh is a similar age to you and has no health issues?

Would he agree to some sort of counselling to try and get to the bottom of why he won't have sex with you? Or a visit to the Dr for some blood tests to look for low testosterone, blood pressure issues etc.

How old is your partner? Could he possibly have erectile dysfunction and be too embarrassed to talk about it?

I would struggle to remain in a relationship with no physical affection - it sounds as though this isn’t just about sex.

I agree that there's a lot of work that could be done before you think about separating.

How did it become like this? Just having a young child doesn't make intimacy a thing of the past. Did he let you down in postpartum / first year? I feel like that is so often the beginning of the spiral.

I heard something on a podcast today that a comedian (not sure who) said: that having young children is like running a daycare business with someone you used to date. Life can become tiring, logistical, practical. It’s easy to lose sight of each other and what you had before kids. I wouldn’t write the relationship off without talking about it - together and/or with a counsellor - and trying strategies to make things better, if other aspects are good. I know I’d find it heartbreaking to be apart from my children for up to 50% of the time, and would do what I could do avoid that (barring abuse or cheating and all the usual caveats).

I’ve been married over 15 years and we had ups and downs but are now closer than ever. Having kids impacts your life so much and it takes time to adapt into the new parental role, how you then relate to each other and also your sense of self. Add to that menopause for me, bereavement, job issues, financial challenges etc; there are many things to overcome. I really think the answer is communication, not just what you say, but how you say it and how you respond. You have to really get where the other person is coming from, see their perspective, respect that and together find a way forward. It has to go both ways. I’ve been seeing a therapist for a while now, as has my DH, and it’s been brilliant. We both understand a lot more about why we react in certain ways some times which means we can check ourselves and respond differently. Really listening to the other person. Not being defensive. Showing care in small ways. Making each others lives easier. I can honestly say after all this time I love my DH more than ever. You both have to buy into this though as it can’t work with only person willing to do the work.

Did you have a traumatic birth or something happen around that time?

@Additup he's very dismissive whenever I've brought it up, he doesnt want to try counselling and just says we'll talk another time. After so long I'm not sure I'd ever truly feel wanted by him, I'm not sure I would even enjoy sex with him anymore.

@DaisyandLily he's nearly 45.

@Additup he's very dismissive whenever I've brought it up, he doesnt want to try counselling and just says we'll talk another time. After so long I'm not sure I'd ever truly feel wanted by him, I'm not sure I would even enjoy sex with him anymore.

@DaisyandLily he's nearly 45.

This was me 15 years ago...he just stopped wanting to have sex with me after 2nd baby. We were good enough friends but the rejection ate me up in the end and it was worse because he never wanted to talk about it or did the I'm tired stress etc even though we both were. Towards the end we had no physical contact at all.not even holding hands and i hated him for it and like you just stopped caring. I also found out he preferred porn. Its an awful effect on your self esteem.

. it really hit me once going on holiday when I realised the pat down at the airport was the closest thing I'd had to physical contact from an adult in years.. counselling didn't work as he wouldn't talk about it..its so sad.. i think some people just dont want the intimacy with a real life person but its crushing beung on the end of it.. i eventually left at great emotional and financial cost.. its a tough call. I'm happy now but it was hard and Im now at the stage of my life where sex isnt the big deal it was in my 30s but God I regret the wasted years. Sorry OP but its unlikely to get better.

Maybe just ask him outright if he’s happy in the marriage ? And tell him you’re not for the reasons you have mentioned to us - that you are very unhappy and lonely inside. And as he doesn’t want to talk about your feelings that maybe it would be better for you to separate as you can’t both carry on like this ? Does he know you’re at breaking point ? I’m wondering if you spell it out to him it might break the verbal deadlock. I’m feeling so sad for you and sending my support.

Did he used to be affectionate/loving/up for sex and parenthood changed that?

Regardless, I think I’d leave. As long as you know you’ve communicated your point of view clearly. If he’s dismissing how you feel he either doesn’t care or is too immature to deal with it. Neither would be acceptable for me. No one is “tired and stressed” for 5 years running and ironically sex alleviates those feelings big time so…

Sending hugs OP X

I left a marriage just like this, and looking back all I can see is all the ways I tried to connect with him and all the ways he shuts me down. It's a hiding to nowhere and so damaging when you're living it. I found there were several horrible times in the separation - telling him, organising finances, telling the kids is truly awful (mine were 9 and 6). But with each one (except the kids one) came such a sense of stepping towards getting myself back. It was definitely the right thing to do for me, and by extension the kids, as our home together without him is so much happier. They are still close to him and we've managed to coparent well enough. He says he's lonely but I feel like telling him that's exactly how I felt when we were married!
I was 42 too and already wish that I'd been brave enough to sonit sooner. Ask yourself if you met him now and knowing what life would be like, would you get into a relationship with him?
Best of luck to you if you do decide to do something about this. I believe the time has passed for flogging the horse if he's not willing to listen.