Emotionally abusive relationship - angry man

[ProudPoet]

I have been with an angry man for 15 years. There may have been signs of his anger throughout the initial stages but I have only really noticed them since my first DD was born who is now 6. After my second DS was born who is now 2, things became so much worse. The emotional abuse and arguments are now on a daily basis. I did not realise it was abuse until we started marriage counselling and my counsellor has said he is abusive. I don't know where to start with leaving. My DD is super attached to him, co sleeps with him and my DS is a handful at 2. I cannot fathom not having him to help despite his tantrums but I mentally can't take it anymore. Everytime I ask him to leave the house and ask for a divorce he comes back promising he will change. I want to leave but I feel so much heartache and despair about breaking up our family. We also own a house together - what would happen to that?

Your children are being harmed by this and sooner you leave the better for them and you.

As you are married you would get 50% of savings and assets including the home. See a solicitor asap.

I'm sorry for your situation. I don't have much to offer, but one idea to start the process would be to get DD to co sleep with you instead. Start to work on it gradually, and make her feel like it's an upgrade on Dad's bed..so things like she gets to stay up longer,or you play a torch game under the cover,or you read to her for longer, or there's better or more cuddly toys. You might have to only start for 5 mins an evening but she might start to prefer you. Then you can feel like she's got a good bedtime with you that can transition her through the separation. You'd feel a load better I imagine.

Most likely outcome is that you'd have to sell the house and split the equity. Unless he's abusive to the kids if it goes to court it will be 50/50. Best of luck.

I have no idea about the house, but I was one of the children in that situation. Home was a place where we were miserable. My mother was too worried about leaving the relationship to do it, so in our circumstances, we were very lucky when our (abusive) dad died. We were so much happier, home became a relaxed place, and I dread to think of how much more damage he would have caused if he'd lived.

We still have bits of trauma that we'll probably never get over, and things to talk about that still haven't been discussed, but we were, and still are, a lot happier now that we're not living in that stressful situation anymore. Please get out before it damages your children, and before it permanently damages you, your happiness and your confidence.

It’s got a name” the cycle of abuse” he will wind his neck in until the next time.
Are you married to him?

We are married yes.

This makes my heart hurt so much. I don't even know the process of how to leave without him pretending he is going to change

He won’t change without serious therapy. And even then it’s not a given. Your kids will absolutely be affected by this and are learning that this is an appropriate way to deal with stress and conflict.

I think they only change for the briefest amount of time to persuade you to take them back, then soon revert to the old ways.
Divorce is difficult and horrible - I've been through a really bad one, but my life is more peaceful now.
You need to make a plan. You will need to plan where you will live, how much income you will need, how you will get that income, and child arrangements. All of this will depend on your current circumstances. But you CAN apply for a divorce online and he can't stop you. You just need a solid plan on how to leave and exist on your own. You're stronger than you think.

OP you can get a divorce because you want one - it doesn't matter if he says he will change. You need to get legal advice and I would also speak to Women's Aid. He is abusive and you need to leave but do it safely. Women's Aid can offer you help and support.

womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Another day, another "angry man" thread. At least you know that he its going to "change" so this can't be his first time.

Luckily for you MN is full of women who love angry men and are waiting to be that woman who makes him "change".

I guarantee he'll have another woman in a fortnight

It worries me a lot that your 6 year old cosleeps with her domestically abusive father. She's most likely scared of him and trauma bonded.dont mistake fawning for adoration

When you tell him you want to separate and he promises he’ll change, you have to tell him that he can not change because this is who he is and you are done. He can only have another chance to abuse you all if you allow him to. It will be very hard, but you must keep yourself focused on the abuse free life you want for you and your children and stand firm.

Currently in therapy but I'm seeing very slow change and not inclined to wait around until my children grow up to be angry too

Can the trauma bond be mistaken for love? Is that what makes it so hard to leave?

Yes absolutely.

Have you considered the Freedom Programme? It's not v expensive and I think it's all online.

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Therapy takes a long time IME - I've been going for 3 years so far. It's improved things vastly for me, but it is a long haul.

Keep an email diary, eg email from your personal to your work address detailing as much as you can about what’s happening. This is to create a time stamped log. (You may need this in family court). You can also disclose to the safeguarding lead at school or your pharmacist or gp.

do NOT mention leaving again until you have a plan and have all your ducks in a row.

you maybe able to apply for an occupation order so you and kids stay in the house until it’s sold but you need evidence of domestic abuse for this.

I lived through similar but kept no evidence and I regret it.