My partner and I have been together for five years. We never married because he wasn't particularly interested in it, whereas I very much was. Instead, we focused on buying a house and having a child. Our son is now nearly three.
My partner is Southern European. We own our home together as joint tenants.
About a year into the relationship, I realised he had a serious temper, although initially it was directed at his family rather than me. Over time, that changed. Naively, I thought things might improve if we had a child because I'd never been in a relationship with an angry man before. Instead, his temper worsened during my pregnancy and became even worse after our son was born. I genuinely believe it contributed to severe postnatal depression.
Sometimes he can be charming, kind and lovely. When he is, I cling to those moments and hope they'll last. They never do. The reality is that the behaviour is coercive and verbally abusive. He shouts aggressively and intimidates people. In his mind, he is never wrong and his behaviour is always justified.
I'm a quiet, creative, autistic person. I go out of my way to care for both him and our son. I absolutely adore being a mum. I've worked in administrative roles for organisations supporting women affected by violence against women and girls, so I know what services exist, but I don't know what would actually happen if I contacted them for help myself.
There are times when I feel so exhausted, broken and numb that I wish he would simply disappear from our lives. He is deeply unpleasant when he's angry and pushes people away.
I applied under Clare's Law and nothing came up. However, the police officer I spoke to advised me to keep a diary of incidents, which I have been doing. I also have recordings of some of the outbursts.
The situation has become harder because our son is now old enough to notice. He says things like "Daddy shouting" and "I'm scared of Daddy". He's only two and a half. Hearing that breaks my heart because I feel like I'm failing to protect him.
In May, I gave my partner another ultimatum, but this time I set a deadline. I told him he had six months to get anger management support or I would leave with our son. That deadline is in November, but I have absolutely no idea where I would go. I don't want to uproot my son's life and I've recently started a job that I'm finally enjoying and doing well in.
What actually happens if I contact a VAWG organisation? My fear is that they'll simply tell me to leave, and I don't know how. I contacted Dawn's Horizon previously and never heard back.
Financially, I feel trapped. I have no money to leave, nobody I could stay with and I'm in debt. I work four days a week and co-own a property, so I don't think I'd qualify for much financial support.
I'm also frightened about involving the police. My partner has settled status through his employment but is not a British citizen. He works in a high-security government role. If he ended up with a conviction, he could lose everything. Part of me thinks that would solve my problem, but our son genuinely loves his dad when he's not witnessing me being screamed at.
I also fear that if I left, he would make my life even harder. He's extremely intelligent (speaks 5 languages and has a PhD), articulate and currently involved in a custody dispute regarding another child in his home country, so he has experience navigating family courts. I'm not good under pressure and I worry he would run rings around me and somehow convince people that I'm the problem.
The only person I have spoken to about this is my mother. Her view is that "at least he's not hitting you" and that I wouldn't cope as a single parent. I know that's an outdated attitude, but hearing it has made me doubt myself.
Deep down, I know I need to leave. The problem is that when it comes to major decisions and life changes, I freeze. I become overwhelmed, do nothing, and then another year passes.
Has anyone been in a similar position? If you contacted a domestic abuse or VAWG service, what practical help did they actually provide? How did you make the decision to leave when you felt completely stuck?