Navigating queer spaces after a breakup with my first girlfriend

[LuLu345678]

I came out as a lesbian a bit later in life, 2 years ago. I just broke up with my first gf a few weeks ago. We were together 1.5 years.

I saw her out on Sunday and she kept trying to talk to me and was like why are you being awkward. And then hugged me goodbye. I feel really sad and confused. Some of her friends were there too but they were being friendly and okay with me. I hate how in queer spaces it’s impossible to avoid each other.

I’ve never had to navigate seeing an ex around before. She knows a lot of people on the scene so feels like wherever I go I always see someone connected to her. She cheated on me twice which is why our relationship ended. It feels like there are not really many boundaries between exes friends ext in the lesbian community compared to the straight community.

It’s so confusing. I’m trying to go out to queer events because I want to make my own friends and meet people as this is all quite new to me. But it’s hard when her people are everywhere.

One of her friends was encouraging me to approach other women on a night out. One of her exes came onto me. It’s all quite weird

I’m upset as well that it feels like for my ex she isn’t that bothered. Like she didn’t find it awkward running into me on Sunday. I don’t understand that and it just hurts because it feels like she never cared or isn’t bothered.

another of her friends spent most of an afternoon with me having deep chats when I ran into her at a day time event.

What’s it al about? Are they just trying to stop things being awkward? I don’t understand it really.

It just feels like no one actually cares about my comfort or really being respectful of my relationship ex relationship. It did mean a lot to me and I loved her so much, I still do. But it’s like no one is taking any of it seriously including her. This sort of thing would never happen in the straight world and it feels very disrespectful because I’m not used to it.

does anyone have any experience of this? I feel like I’m entering an alien planet in a way and I don’t understand the dynamics I’m apparently involved in. What do you think of all this? Is this normal for lesbians?

Enormous hugs. Not gay but dd is. She met her amazing gf on hinge. Possibly paid version but I’ve heard good things about the standard version. They don’t socialise much in queer spaces but have an amazing social life.

Thanks for your response. I’ve heard good things about hinge too and that’s so nice for your dd. I’m not looking to date at the moment but it feels important to be in queer spaces and try to build a community /friendships at the moment.

Does anyone have any advice or can share their experience of dealing with a similar situation?

A lot of people just aren't real in relationships. You can't change them, so set your boundaries and stick to them.

If she cheated on you repeatedly, knowing what that meant to you, you're absolutely within your rights to treat her appropriately. Being queer doesn't actually give her carte blanche to be a dick.

How big is the scene where you live? Are there other queer/lesbian groups you could join which your ex and her friends don't go to? I tend to find groups that don't revolve around alcohol/nights out are better to find friends if you're not looking for a new relationship (run clubs, book groups, discussion groups etc)

How old are you actually?

I'm a little confused, as it sounds like everyone in the group is being friendly to you?
How is that disrespectful?
Are they supposed to ignore you now that you split with your ex?

Are they just trying to stop things being awkward? I don’t understand it really. It just feels like no one actually cares about my comfort or really being respectful of my relationship ex relationship.

I would like to offer a different perspective, that they are being friendly and inclusive and very much not awkward. There can be more crossover in this scene as you've identified, and it's really not personal.

If you need to sit it out and grieve your relationship for a little while before you throw yourself back in to socialising, and there's nowhere else you can hang out, then do so. But it sounds like you'll be welcomed warmly when you're ready, and surely that's a good thing. Take the positives, if you can. You've made a load of friends, including your ex.

Like any small community, post break up you're going to cross paths with people. It's unrealistic to expect your ex and her friends not to go out.

It's quite normal for friends of exs to be friendly / pleasant when you bump into them (unless you did something awful/ behaved badly in the break up) so that isn't a negative.

You're only a few weeks post break up, if its too painful to handle reminders of your ex then give yourself a bit of breathing space and give her regular haunts a rest until you can deal with crossing paths.

It sounds a bit like my (straight) social circle from when I was a late teen / early 20s.
Couples would break up then get together with other members of the group. Fairly incestuous, but seemed normal at the time, though sometimes caused grief for various people.

Yes, I was going to say it sounds exactly like the dynamic of a university society - the core of the society all being one social group who date each other and occasionally swap round, but the group identity remains the main ties for socialising so anyone in the social group might treat anyone else in it like a friend and chat to them etc. Usually what happened between individuals didn’t impact this unless someone had done something so profound (maybe related to the society itself) that it split the group loyalties, and usually that person quickly left and the group resealed. In this case I guess you are all in ‘LesbianSoc’.

It’s absolutely normal for lesbians to stay friends. I’m 50 something and everyone I know is friendly with most of their exes. It’s about community- we need it.

Just to clarify, OP, is part of the way you're feeling to do with the cheating?

In the sense that if you were straight and a man had cheated on you, the vast majority of people would completely understand that he had done a terrible thing in betraying you and breaking your trust, and behave accordingly. Not necessarily dropping him as a friend, of course, but they'd behave decently to you but in a way that shows they are conscious of the fact you've been treated badly by their friend.

And your ex would be expected to be reasonably shame-faced and take their lead from you as to how to behave, not come up to you to hug you and demand to know why you're making it awkward(!!)?

I don't have any answers for you about whether what you describe is normal in lesbian or other circles but if you're feeling disoriented/bewildered/angry by everyone apparently glossing over your ex's shitty mistreatment of you, and behaving as though it doesn't matter and should be brushed under the carpet by you 'for the greater good', that would be completely understandable and reasonable.

I think that, although I'm sure they wouldn't see it like this, they're behaving callously towards you in expecting you to engage all that female socialisation to push down your feelings in order to make everyone else feel comfortable under the guise of being progressive/collectivist or whatever. I'm sorry, it's insidiously dickish. Support to you.

Hi yes thank you this is exactly it.
it’s infuriating.
her friends are being nice to me and I know a couple at least have drifted from her.
it’s as if she is gaslighting me (still!) even though we arnt even together anymore, implying I’m making a fuss out of nothing by being ‘awkward’ apparently.
i hope time will make things easier. It just feels really hard.

Yes, that makes total sense and is completely reasonable! As I say, I'm not able to comment on the dynamics of that particular community but I have some indirect experience of other groups when they've behaved in a similar way you describe.

In my experience it's honestly nothing more than banal self-interest, selfishness and, where your ex is concerned, a large dollop of brass neck! Other people like the group and the camaraderie and don't want to sacrifice it for the sake of the person who has been hurt and wronged. Sometimes the person who has behaved badly is also some sort of lynchpin for the group too, so gets away with even more.

It sucks and I'm sorry. The best I can suggest if you're going to be thrown into her path a lot is to grey rock. Not being unpleasant, but giving absolutely nothing of substance or interest to her (including any explanation for your behaviour beyond a very dull, bland grey rock response). She has basically become a dull distant relation as far as you are concerned. It's a hard thing to pull off and requires a lot of emotional self-control at first but it's incredibly effective and helpful in my experience.

Good luck!

For what it's worth, she behaved like an absolute shit cheating on you (TWICE) and I'm sorry someone hurt you so much. You have every right to be inconveniently sad and angry!

Honestly this is the best part of the queer community.
Exes can become chosen family.
We simply don't have enough options to cut people out of life when one form of a relationship doesn't work out.
Of course this isn't mandatory and perhaps you don't want to see her again, but I would encourage you to see it as a benefit.

Lesbian spaces are hard, everyone has dated/slept with/co-habitated with everyone! I’ve been there. I was with a woman once with a rich history and all her friends were past lovers to varying degrees. You got to have a thick skin definitely!