ExH won’t accept things are over

[Notquitethereyet777]

Name changed as tbh, I feel really ashamed about my situation 😢

Last year I divorced my now ex husband but due to various circumstances we lived together during the process. The home is under my name again now as it belonged to me before we married, so it is him who needs to leave now. He has been very fairly compensated and isn’t without means.

Living together for the past year has confused things and he has persuaded me that we are still a couple and seeing if we can make things work. I don’t trust him and I don’t want this, he has been emotionally abusive towards me for years and caused havoc in my life. He just won’t accept that things are over and becomes really hysterical. It has made me feel scared to broach the subject, as I know how emotionally charged it will become.

I feel absolutely stuck and gutted, I feel so beaten down by the past year and I feel like a shell of my former self. I know practically I will be fine on my own, I have a job and am self sufficient and have friends and family around me. But I feel like I won’t cope by myself now and feel scared to be alone, despite that being what I have wanted for years. I don’t have the confidence I had built up a year ago anymore.

I feel like he has made me afraid to be alone and without him, and I’m so angry and sad about it all at the same time. He says he is changing and whilst I have seen some change, I do not trust him and I also don’t feel in love with him anymore. He has treated me too badly for too long.

How do you cut the final string feeling like this? I need some honest truths I think. I feel like I have failed in my bid for freedom.

Um, wait til he goes out and change the locks?

If you're divorced and the house is in your name, he's squatting.

You know you’re done with him. You know will be more than fine alone - you will be happy!

I would book a holiday or stay with friends and before you go give him a week or so to leave. And then when you leave (his deadline) change the locks. Then you won’t have to be home for the days where he comes over and bangs on the door etc. and then if he continues etc call the police

Why hasn't he left yet? You need to give him a by a certain time to find alternative place to live. 6 weeks max. This is no way for you to live.

He is still emotionally abusing you.

Think about it this way.
If he really wanted whats best for you, and to give this relationship a proper shot, he would move out in a rental property to give you some space and ask if there was a possibility you could start dating again and see where things go. Pressuring you while you live in the same house and the clock is ticking for him to move out, is not the sign of someone who has matured and wants to grow and give things an honest go, its the sign of someone who cant be arsed to move and wants things to just go back to 'normal' - a normal where you werent happy! If he REALLY cared about YOU he would be moving out and getting help. This is about him, not you. And is that really what you want? A man who only wants to be with you because he doesnt want anything to change for HIM?
I know you think you might struggle on your own, but thats because your life is so full of his awfulness there is no room for joy to flood in currently. You need to empty out the house (literally in this case) in order to make room for good things to come in. And they will. If nothing else, imagine how different you will feel not treading on eggshells in your own home? It will be your sanctuary from the outside world. You will be taking a weight off that you have carried for so long you have lost sight of how heavy it is. It seems like there will be no happiness on the other side because he has trained you that this is all there is. And it isn't. Its amazing how quickly things change once you get a bad person out of your life, you will do as billions of people have done before you have done after a breakup - look back in amazement and only regret that you hadn't done it sooner.

Tell him to get out. If he doesn't, call the police. Definitely don't go away and leave the loser alone in your property, as a previous poster suggested, he'll destroy it.

Don't provide him with an audience, he can get hysterical all he wants, in someone else house.
His words, thoughts, opinions are all completely irrelevant, which is brilliant!

Change your locks, get a door camera, block him on every platform.
Enjoy your new life and peace, forget the abuser.

OP do you have anyone nearby who can support you by being there when you ask him to leave?

Or could you reach out to a local dealer organisation for support? They could advise you on the safest way to get him out of your house aswell as support you emotionally.

If rhe house is in your name that's great, its just a case of getting him out while keeping you safe.

He just won’t accept that things are over and becomes really hysterical. It has made me feel scared to broach the subject, as I know how emotionally charged it will become.

You already know that your life will be better once you have got rid of this man manipulating you, which is why you divorced him.

Tell him that you will be changing the locks in two weeks' time and that he needs to be out by then.

Tell this to all your friends and family too, and tell them what you've told us here about who he is and how he has worn you down. They will help you stay strong.

Best of luck. You're in the last mile of the marathon and it feels impossible, but you're nearly over the line.

You need to bite the bullet and tell him.
Have the emergency police number tapped into your phone ready in case he goes off on one then you only have to touch dial. These days they should be able to trace the call if they hear a domestic (they did in my case and were at the door in minutes-I now have a ‘marker’ on every address I live in for a fast response).
it doesn’t matter if he hasn’t hit you, not in the uk anyway. Here emotional abuse and coercive control are arrestable offences. Maybe visit your local police station and get an appointment to talk to someone about how best to handle things as when you leave or ask someone to leave it’s the most dangerous time in a relationship.
I’d go to court to formally have him thrown out if he didn’t listen. At the very least have an injunction/non molestation order put in place and change the locks, get a ring doorbell and any other equipment like cameras out back and bright movement activated lighting front and back so he can’t hide in the shadows, even a burglar alarm just covering downstairs if it’s too expensive. My ex husband installed an alarm that was wireless by himself. It isn’t a skilled job even though he was very good with things like that. Also a front and back dashcam with a cloud and 24/7 monitoring. I have one and they aren’t cheap but are fab. If he breaks any no contact order you report him every time, even if you were out. He shouldn’t be coming round.

If you don’t tell him then this will be your life. You don’t want that. Maybe have a friend round when you do for support or a male relative? Preferably a tall athletic male relative younger than him. He will be less likely to kick off when in the presence of someone that could pulverise him with one hand.

Good luck. If you want to talk then answer this stating that. If you have no support system I can be that for you. We can work out how to make that work.

You pack his stuff up, change the locks and don't let him back in.
Block him on everything.
If he gets violent etc you call the police.
Have some people to stay with you in the following days and weeks to help you adjust, boost your confidence and keep you busy.

Your post really resonated with me 💕
I have asked him several times to at the very least let me have space and for him to move out. But he’s always refused saying that we can’t work on ‘us’ when we are apart.

I disagree and I also need time alone so badly right now to figure out where my thoughts are.
if I am honest I don’t think I see a future with him, and I think as you said it’s just that I’m in such a fragile place after years of his behaviour.
Last year I felt so hopeful about what life would look like on the other side of the divorce, and now I just feel so sad I’m still in the same position practically.

Ironically if he had moved out last year and given me space I might have been feeling differently now, but him staying felt like he still needed to control our relationship and me, and sort of shows me he hasn’t necessarily changed.
Everything has always been at his pace and his timeline and I’ve always been made to feel like I just have to keep up with what he wants and when he wants it.

Please don’t tell me you transferred money to this man as part of this divorce?

Lady, just change the locks when he goes out and send him
a polite text to let him know you have done so!

pop his bags on the door step and have some friends with you incase he returns and tries to manipulate you

Looking at it like the last mile of a marathon is exactly how I feel.

I just feel so exhausted by the past year and the divorce, it feels like the only way I’ll start getting back some of my energy is for him to leave, but I can’t get him to leave as I’m too exhausted to try and persuade him to go.

But I will try and use the advice in this thread.
I also think if he truly cared about me, he must be able to see I’m struggling and since he isn’t stupid, realise he needs to leave.

I also think if he truly cared about me, he must be able to see I’m struggling and since he isn’t stupid, realise he needs to leave.

He doesn't truly care about you. He's trying to wear you down. He's probably enjoying watching you struggle because that means he's winning. And the 'getting hysterical' is pure manipulation. Next time he does it just sit there and stare at him as if you can't believe a grown man acting like a toddler.

I’m concerned that you have handed him a chunk of cash and still allow him to live rent free!

Have you spoken to Women's Aid or NCDV? They'll be able to give practical advice on getting him out, possibly help on the legal side too.

Second the idea about leaving his stuff outside, changing the locks and going away for a week.

Yes that's control and refusing to accept your boundaries, abuse in itself. It's not for him to decide. I agree with PPs, you need to change the locks.

"Dear Ex, you have two weeks to find yourself alternative digs. After that your bags are in the garage/garden <delete as applicable> and the locks are being changed."

Don't argue. Don't engage. if he 'gets hysterical' walk out of the room. Why would you even contemplate 'working on us' with him as he wants given the way he's treating you?

edited for meaning.

@Notquitethereyet777you’ve clearly been really strong by getting the divorce , I can’t imagine that was easy. One more step to get him out. Good luck.

He doesn't care about you op. This is just another form of abuse.

You need him out, and change the locks.

I'm really worried about you OP.

I watched one of those police documentaries last night about a man who had killed his ex partner, they still lived together, he didn't want to move out. He was jealous and controlling and wanted the relationship to start again.

I really think you need to call a DV hotline and the police for advice.

I felt like you but honestly im loving life!

Please talk to the police and/or women's help line. I am seriously concerned for you. The most dangerous time in a woman's life is when she's splitting up from a man and he finally realizes he's lost control of her.

You could sell the house and move elsewhere? Then you would both be forced to move on.