Should I stop hoping for a relationship if I mostly want validation?

[bananamilkshake97]

I am a 27 year old man. For now many aspects of my life are great - good job, fitness, more than comfortable safety net in the bank and a almost paid off (small) flat.
The issue is I no matter how attractive I think I am I have never been in a relationship and don't think of marriage while many people my age are married.

The issue is if I ask myself why I want a relationship is to feel validated by women which is a reason why many people step into relationships and suffer, they suffer a lot.

So, it feels like a Catch 22 To get a relationship I need to stop wanting a relationship due to the main reason I want it.
Maybe somewhere in the mix there is 1% desire for intimacy but I can't forget about the 99% left which is desire for validation.

Should I try to stop believing that a relationship and the intimacy it leads to will ever be a part of my life?

Also, another reason that bugs me is that I believe a woman hypothetically want me for my flat, steal it by forging documents and then go off to someone who she is more attracted to. Its embarrassing even to write it anonymously, yet I have these doubts which stem for my low confidence. I understand I need to fix my confidence before a relationship yet if I can't does that mean I will never experience the love I see every weekend in parks couples holding hands and laughing, embracing and kissing.

Therapy.

You know what they say: finding love is not about finding a particular person but identifying the blocks to love within yourself.

First response nailed it.

Do you actually want to look after somebody and have them look after you? It doesn’t sound like it

Mate that's a pretty fucked up view of life.

You need to talk to a professional, your balance is very off.

Single life might be for you, that's fine a partner isn't for everyone, but your views are worryingly odd.

Get a grip, and some therapy. Please do not impose this fucked up thinking in a poor woman, who should not have to be your emotional support animal.

Sounds narcissistic. I would get therapy.

It doesn’t sound like you see women as people just like you, sounds more like you want a dog tbh.
I don’t think most people do get into a relationship for validation tbh. Nor do they assume someone will find documents, commit fraud and steal their flat. It doesn’t sound like you do want a relationship really, and that’s fine, just don’t have one.

Dude. For everyone's sake, leave women alone.

I wouldn’t even bother with therapy tbh, if all you want it for is to overcome your paranoia about being defrauded sufficiently to acquire a woman as a status symbol.

Just hunker down in your little paid off flat admiring your own attractiveness.

What do you mean by 'validated'?

It doesn't sound like you see women as people honestly. You have no interest in them unless it's as an add on to your life, as status and validation, not as individual human beings with their own thoughts and feelings. You have "othered" them to the point of paranoia, the forging of documents etc. This is severely messed up thinking. Agree with other posters that you should seek professional help on how you have come to feel like this about half of the planet.

“It doesn't sound like you see women as people honestly. You have no interest in them unless it's as an add on to your life, as status and validation, not as individual human beings with their own thoughts and feelings. You have "othered" them to the point of paranoia, the forging of documents etc. This is severely messed up thinking. Agree with other posters that you should seek professional help on how you have come to feel like this about half of the planet.”

@DinoDoughnut81 has nailed it. This with bells on.

I don’t think you don’t see women as people - you’re carrying some issues which need sorting through with good therapy.

You know the forging documents thing is totally irrational so it makes sense to get some help with the deep seated sense of mistrust and fear of intimacy.

Start there. Good luck.

Oh my word. The most shocking part of your post to me is the suspicion that you think women would want to steal your flat!!!!! This is laughable. Women are human beings just like you who are perfectly capable of also having their own jobs, maintaining fitness and, in time, buying their own homes. It absolutely is an achievement that you have your own flat already - I didn't get on the property ladder until my 30s, much less pay off the mortgage - and something to be proud of, but you are not at risk from a woman stealing it!

If the mortgage is in your name, you choose whether to add someone to it or not, any point.

You sound somewhat self-aware in that you think you want a relationship primarily for what a woman can give to you (validation) rather than the desire to truly know and love someone else and feel and experience connection with them. You also sound as if your view of relationships is all about the appearance of it - seeing couples holding hands in the park is 5 minutes of their day, they could have been fighting over the dishwasher half an hour earlier. Take from someone much older who has been in a long relationship - the actual lived reality bares no relation to romantic movies or a snippet you see in public on a weekend.

What comes to mind the most is that you need to explore how you've been conditioned to see women and relationships, which is not necessarily reality. You'll hopefully find that if and when it does happen, it is natural, and takes you by surprise.

You need professional help pal.

“I believe a woman hypothetically want me for my flat, steal it by forging documents and then go off to someone who she is more attracted to.”

Sir, you have mental health issues beyond your relationship concerns.

Your post made me feel nervous as a woman. I would be horrified to date someone who had these suspicions. It's basically an underlying assumption / suspicion that women are superficial, gold diggers that only seek men out based on what they can offer for material or superficial gains. It's giving manophere vibes.

You really need to address your way of thinking before attempting to date. Also, you’ll never be happy if you seek validation through others - that's got to come from within.

I'm married and my husband does make me feel loved, but I am confident that I deserve to be loved and am lovable and so in that sense, I don't ‘need’ his love and I don't rely on it for my own self-worth.

It's a good first step that you've articulated how you feel here. Now take it that extra step and thrash this out in therapy. You're young, you have plenty of time to work on yourself and then when your mindset is in a healthier place, I'm sure an opportunity for a relationship (if that's what you want) will come. But for now, focus on your relationship with yourself.

The love you ‘see every weekend’ is a mere snapshot of their day.

If you need someone else to validate you then you should be in therapy because that’s a lot of pressure to put on one person and is not what a relationship should be for.

This, too.

Do you have friends? A good relationship with your family? Becuase you do seem to have a very strange view of relationships and I'm wondering if it's all relationships or just intimate ones.

You should absolutely get some therapy. To better understand relationships and to work through this crazy paranoia.

A long-term romantic relationship is about intimacy, yes. But it's also about a person you enjoy being with, with whom you share values and goals and aspirations. Someone who supports you when things are bad and shares the good too. And it doesn't sound like you understand that and, I deeply suspect, you don't have that in any kind of relationship currently becuase versions of this should also exist with platonic friendships or with your family relationships. Which, if true, is sad, and suggests you really do need help to work through any issues.