narcissistic rage

[yesmaybethen]

Not sure if this is the correct forum as this isn't about a romantic relationship, or marriage. There is someone in my community who is exhibiting an enormous amount of what I can only describe as narcissistic rage. She is extremely self important, vindictive, harsh and self centred in general. She didn't get her own way on a certain matter and feels humiliated, and she is now in full on scorched earth mode. I'm tangled up in this in a very minor way and she has been trying to ostracise me, but that's nothing compared with the wild, aggressive self righteous angry behaviour I'm seeing. I'm honestly scared. She does have supporters, despite her behaviour being absolutely irrational and horrendous. Has anyone experienced anything similar? Any generic tips? I feel like I am going to pay a high price for merely being loosely associated with it all. Help.

Steer clear as far as you can
Dont talk to others about her at all

I don't live anywhere near you. 😡

Is she targeting others too?

Honestly, im sorry, I've never worked out how to handle those sorts. I end up withdrawing, sometimes at great cost to myself. In theory make them scared of you, but easier said than done.

She is targeting anyone who doesn't do her bidding, it's just happening on a really big scale this moment in time. I have known her for over 20 years and it's getting worse. I also tend to withdraw, stay out of the way. I don't like scaring people but get what you mean.

Thank goodness 😂although I'm sure you'd be good company with a sense of humour.

It's pretty common for people like this to be alone by the time they get old because the narcissist rage and disordered thinking and all the rest of isimply can't be hidden anymore. Too many people have bene burnt by then.

My only advice is not to focus on making any attempt to rationalise or argue or debate. and just stay as far away frmo her as possible.

Hi OP, I think the answer was in your OP to be honest - you are going to pay a high price for being loosely associated with this woman.

I think you are doing the right thing by absolutely ramping down your contact with her, in any way you can.

I sat on the sofa of my ex next to his new wife and his mother - they do not get along due to the mother's behaviour and the new wife just quietly left the room and saw to the children, and calmly avoided interacting by making any old excuse. I learned a lot. Women like her did not have horror stories to tell because they curate their environment, very quietly yet very effectively.

I hope you're OK, you sound a bit stressed out x

Is this part of a community group/ hobby?
If shes trying to ostracize you then just keep away
Grey rock-be as quiet, dull and boring as possible, simple ok/ interesting answers
Dont JADE
These types need "supply" so she will move on
Can you give us more idea of the context?

I know the type, things don't go their way and the toys get flung from the pram. I was 'ousted' by a group of people due to one of these but honestly just not having her vileness and toxicity in my life was worth forgoing all the others too. The mean girl energy never leaves some people.

Thank you, I don't want to say too much about the situation but it's unfortunately a close knit neighbourhood, village type of setting. Over the years she has thrown her toys out of the pram on many occasions. She is volatile and intense. I can't move and have to maintain some sort of polite relationship (me). It's causing me a lot of stress.

I had a family member with disabling narcissistic traits. He would regularly go into vindictive hurtful rages. It was horrible.

Reduce your interactions to a minimum.Mute or archive any shared groups. If you do have to interact, then unashamedly fake it. Be super polite, pleasant, non critical. With my family member it helped me to imagine they had a script where they were the main character, surrounded by admirers. This does work! So long as I followed the script they became manageable. I never discussed anything controversial or criticised them - ever. Everything they suggested was fine! Then escape as quickly as possible and congratulate yourself. it feels fake but you’ve avoided their rage…
I agree with PP, resist the urge to JADE - it only enrages them more.
Another distraction technique is word association- it’s surprising how effective this is. I could sense a rage on the way when my family member once said menacingly “The honeymoon is over!”
I said, “honeymoon, hmm ….wedding, banquet, lovely flowers, maybe a beautiful dress…” After a few minutes of this nonsense they said “Whatever” and changed the subject! Victory was sweet….
And if you can’t avoid being in their company, have an escape plan. Even something as silly as “ I forgot to clean my teeth!” got me out of a confrontation once. Good luck OP

Great advice!
I always had sonething I forgot in the car or a more tea vicar phrase ready

Probably a pointless question, but why do people like this end up tearing apart their (or other people's) social groups? It’s almost as if they enjoy watching everything fall apart around them, knowing they were the ones who tipped over that first domino.

On top of all the other excellent advice here, I would like to add this

There will be times where you feel like you have taken damage, that others are judging you over the Narcs actions. But please remember this, you are all just surviving the storm, everybody knows exactly who is causing this, but daren't speak up in fear of getting the next blast. All heads are down, and, whilst you might feel alone in the moment, know that everyone else is in their trench avoiding the fall out and sending you silent prayers of support - they know. When it blows over, life returns to relative normal and you will emerge undamaged, if a bit wind blown and bedraggled, your reputation will be intact. And everyone will just be playing at situation normal, praying it's not them the next time...

It's exhausting, but if you can't remove yourself from the supporting cast because work colleague/family/entwined lives/small community/etc then you all just have to survive.

People who are like this get some kind of validation and power out of being so destructive and it's addictive. They won't change and they won't feel any remorse.

You could be describing my mother. She truly enjoyed hurting people. Died a very sad, bitter and isolated old lady.

Yes they do enjoy it, they thrive on it. The POWER!!!

If she doesn’t get her way, she will probably develop The Mystery Illness next.

Definutely distance yourself as much as possible.

Control. That is all they want is control of any situation and to get any attention, good, bad or indifferent. They cause chaos and mayhem and sit back delighted with themselves.

We had one of these in my last office. Everyone was scared of her. I found out the other day that she has no friends left. They all had enough. I binned her off a few years ago. Not good for my mental health. Keeping away is all you can do x

I can't go into any detail but I am expecting to be dropped socially in 3,2,1.. I contradicted her mildly and have made myself look unsupportive in the process. Very easy for her to push me out now. Scary stuff.

I think it's a bad thing to have anyone in your life who has this much power over you, perceived or real @yesmaybethen . If others allow her to 'push you out' you are better off without them too.

You say she's someone 'in your community', so not close family/your employer/landlord presumably. Perhaps think about what aspects of your life she has absolutely no control over and remind yourself you can and will survive without her, much more happily I imagine.

The problem is that is one person has come to dominate a small tight knit community, you can end up very lonely if you get pushed out.

I can see that @ReleaseTheDucksOfWar but I'd prefer it to appeasing the Pol Pot of Midsomer Titchworth. It sounds like @yesmaybethen has done all she can to walk on eggs and keep the peace and it still hasn't worked.

Presumably everyone in the village knows she is an absolute nightmare @yesmaybethen ? If she is a regular toy thrower as you say, then she must have "form" and be well known for this kind of outrageous behaviour.

It seems unlikely to me that based on one incident she could ostracise you from all your fellow villagers if they already know she is a nightmare and you aren't. I'd sit tight. Grey rock (look it up if you don't know it) her as far as you can. Be civil, be polite but don't engage, don't discuss with others, don't give any of it any of your energy. Narcissists want reaction, drama and to be the centre of everything, maelstrom or otherwise. Just be as neutral as you possibly can be and don't give her your energy.

The Pol Pot of Midsomer Titchworth 🤣brilliant.

@yesmaybethen every time you think of her now or see her, how are you going to be able to keep this description from making the corners of your lips twitch?