Partner and I are comletely lacking connection. How can I broach this and how can we fix it?

[HowDoIFixThis]

I have been with my partner for 6 years. We are early 50s and early 60s.

We met through a music based hobby we both participated in. We both did this hobby with other separate groups too. This meant we were both out at hobbies two nights a week - once together and once each separately. Weekends were a good balance of performances either together or separately with the other along for support and spending time together.

Over the past couple of years, these hobbies have ended. We left the joint one together for a few reasons, his other group encountered a few difficulties and ended. I left mine mainly due to work pressure at the time.

Over the past 18/24 months, I experienced bullying and burnout at work and left (with his support) last month for my physical and mental health (I was sent to A&E with a suspected heart attack and have been treated for symptoms of burnout. I'm a lot better but not yet recovered. I have new work lined up that I'm hoping to start in the next couple of months.

In the meantime, we have also contended with serious health concerns within his family.

Our relationship has suffered as a result of these things.

We no longer do a shared hobby. I don't do anything because I've completely lost all my confidence and barely leave the house. Even when we do go out, I'm overwhelmed with anxiety, thoughts of not being good enough, shame and a non specific generalised sense of fear. Some of this is directly related to childhood/adolescent trauma and some is related to my work experience which echoed a lot of the childhood stuff and has just left me feeling worthless.

I am preoccupied with thoughts that he doesn't want to spend any time with me and am trying to minimise the impact I have on his life.

He has recently started going to the gym (the last month). He doesn't spend ages there. He goes for an hour after work twice a week and alternates this with swimming Mon-Thurs. This is brilliant because his health and weight were a concern. He has started eating more healthily and is losing weight. I'm really impressed at his commitment and very encouraging of this. So he is starting to pick up new hobbies.

So I'll give an example of how this weekend looked.

Friday - he visited his elderly mum after work (no gym on Friday); went shopping; came home; I cooked dinner. We spent a hour in the garden when we talked about plans for the weekend; he fell asleep in front of the TV and went to bed.

Saturday - I stayed at home and did housework and cleaned out the animals during the day; he did a bit in the garden, went to the tip; chopped wood; in the evening we had a fire in the garden; my daughter and her boyfriend joined us; we listened to music, chatted and toasted marshmallows; tidied away; went to bed.

Sunday - lazy start to the day; sat in the garden for a bit; he cooked Sunday dinner; he then visited his son for a few hours; I tidied up, did laundry and helped my daughter with some prep for returning to university next weekend; we watched a film and fell asleep in front of the TV.

Now all of that sound great. We were both busy, we both had stuff to do. But we spent virtually no time together and, when we are together, we have nothing to say to each other and he sits playing on his phone.

I know he is busy. I know he is doing a lot. I know he needs down time. I haven't said anything other than to appreciate his efforts and be supportive. And because I know some of it is due to my own current situation.

But I just feel irrelevant and without value. When he has stuff to do, he's completely on top of it, he gets everything done and he organises himself well. The time he spends with me is his down time so that's when he wants to sit on his phone scrolling fb or playing games. So we sat in the garden discussing weekend plans but the conversation is all functional. We sat by the fire in silence until my daughter and her boyfriend joined us and we sit on the sofa in silence if we're not watching a film because we have nothing to say to each other and because his attention is always focused on his phone if he isn't actually doing something.

I feel like I'm interrupting him if he's on his phone which is the only time I can really talk to him because it's the only time he isn't actively doing something. So I try not to do it too often. Eg If we're watching a film and he pauses it so I can get a drink/go to the loo, he's on his phone immediately. I just feel like I'm an inconvenience and spending time with me is inconvenient and he's just waiting to get his phone out again. Maybe he'd just rather be on his phone!

I'm finding it increasingly hard because the distance just seems to be getting bigger. I've tried to initiate conversations but he has nothing to say and he doesn't initiate his own. We used to have shared hobbies and plans for those to talk about but now we rarely go out.

I suggest it most weekends and will find stuff to go to but he isn't interested or says we should but then fills his weekend with things that tire him out so by the time we get to spend some time together, all we have is, "How was your mum today?" "Yeah, she's feeling so much better now," "Brilliant, I'm really pleased to hear that." And then silence. If I ask specific questions, he'll answer but he just has no interest in talking to me and will just get his phone out. He never offers anything. And this is contributing to me feeling like he isn't interested in spending time with me.

So as soon as he has stopped doing something,, or while he waits to start the next thing, he sits down on his phone. He won't come and see what I'm up to or chat. We just have no connection at all. We can go for almost a day at the weekend and only speak because one of us asks the other how they're getting on or offers to make a drink. He'll spend a day in the garden gardening but, if i look out of the window, I'll see him sitting there on his phone. I know he needs a break but it's always the phone.

I think the thing that hurts the most is that we go up to bed it's no different. He usually goes up first (5 mins earlier) and spends 30-60 mins or so on his phone. So I put a podcast on and lie down to sleep. I'll be drifting off, he'll put his phone down and put his arm round me to cuddle. But he is clearly trying to initiate sex. I don't want sex when I feel we've just had absolutely no conversation or interaction beyond the functional during the day and I'm almost asleep.

I know he does a lot but I feel like I am what is there when all the things he wants to do and has prioritised have been done and that includes spending time on his phone. He perceives my lack of interest as rejection, which it is, but I've spent the day very separate to him and now he's interested in me when I'm falling asleep and every other box is ticked for him.

Even when we do feel more connected briefly during the day, it's been lost by the time we go to bed. I have mentioned phone use but he doesn't think he uses it that much. He probably doesn't in terms of time but it's almost 100% of the time we have available to spend together if i dont interrupt it..

I could really do with some suggestions on how to fix this (that don't include HRT because I can't take it and it's not the answer to everything) and don't involve me just being berated because I should be grateful he does so much.

Thanks.

I suppose it can be summarised (because that was very long!) by saying, I'm hypervigilant about his phone use and taking it personally because I dont feel I have any value or worth or anything positive to contribute.

I permanently feel like I'm in the way or an inconvenience.

I think there is a number of issues and one is that you do need to look at how to address your self esteem, fulfilment and interests outside of your partner. You need to work on filling your life with activities so that you aren’t just focused on his attention, it’s so much more acute when you are relying on him for this and I suspect possibly it’s pressure on him too and he is escaping it using his phone.

Phone use came up in my last RS and my current one. My ex and current partner tend to scroll on the phone looking at pointless things quite frequently. I also can get annoyed by this if it’s distracting away from an actual conversation so I have brought this up as it’s not very polite sometimes and can make you feel disconnected, my DP says it’s his mindless down time too. But we do go out and do fun things and then we aren’t on our phones so there is a balance.

Could you initiate more activities outside of the house?

I do think he’s being rude but I can also see if there isn’t much to talk about or do together, you may need to create a different way of spending time together that is more valuable and involves both of you being present.

If he a isn’t willing to talk to you about it then this is even more reason to focus on yourself and getting more interests in your life

Thank you.

You are right about finding fulfilling things outside of the relationship/house.

I used to do so much but have stopped for various reasons (work being the main one). I'm stil contributing financially but I feel so guilty doing anything nice or for myself that I end up doing nothing or feeling that I have to only do things that benefit him and take the pressure off.

We do go out every few weeks at the weekend for a country walk or to a NT place, which is lovely and we can talk about where we are and its peaceful and I feel very content.

I just don't ever experience passion or excitement any more and things that use to make me feel invigorated now just make me feel small and inadequate.

Op, I'm a similar age to you (56) and when I read your post, you come across as someone elderly. You're not of course, but I think you may be in a rut!

I am preoccupied with thoughts that he doesn't want to spend any time with me and am trying to minimise the impact I have on his life

This is because he is always scrolling on his phone, instead of paying you attention!! When my DH does this, I say "I'll wait until you've finished what you're looking at, and can give me your full attention". I wait until he puts the phone down. I am never competing with a bloody phone!

You say he has recently started going to the gym & swimming - why don't you join him? It would be great for you and it's something to do together.

Regards your weekend :

Friday - he visited his elderly mum after work (no gym on Friday); went shopping; came home; I cooked dinner. We spent a hour in the garden when we talked about plans for the weekend; he fell asleep in front of the TV and went to bed.

Sounds fine. You could have also gone to his Mum's though.

Saturday - I stayed at home and did housework and cleaned out the animals during the day; he did a bit in the garden, went to the tip; chopped wood; in the evening we had a fire in the garden; my daughter and her boyfriend joined us; we listened to music, chatted and toasted marshmallows; tidied away; went to bed.

Sounds idyllic to me.

Sunday - lazy start to the day; sat in the garden for a bit; he cooked Sunday dinner; he then visited his son for a few hours; I tidied up, did laundry and helped my daughter with some prep for returning to university next weekend; we watched a film and fell asleep in front of the TV.

Again, sounds ok to me.

But.....

he sits playing on his phone This needs tackling. It's really rude. But you say you have nothing to talk about. You know what dominates mine and my DH conversations? Travel. We are going long haul in November for a hot holiday, and we have an epic trip to Aus planned for next year. We talk about this endlessly and have great fun planning. Do you travel? If not, why not? It's one of the perks of being retired. The world is a big place!

Why aren't you going out? You should dress up and go out for dinner as often as you can. DH and I recently went to an 80's day disco - great fun!

I don't want sex when I feel we've just had absolutely no conversation or interaction beyond the functional during the day and I'm almost asleep

You need to tell him this - maybe it will hit home, and he will pay more attention!

Where do you eat your dinner? If it's on laps, maybe start sitting at the table - NO PHONES!

You shouldn’t feel guilty and put it this way, it is more attractive and more interesting for you to make yourself fulfilled, if you find things you like doing and give yourself a sense of purpose, you could find your way back to yourself and your inner happiness. This may well then lead to bringing back your spark together as a couple, but then if it doesn’t, you will have a foundation of your own life to keep you fulfilled rather than relying on him.

Have you considered getting support for your anxiety so you can rebuild up your confidence and socialisation again?

My DP and I also like to travel and talk about travel, but we do a lot of cooking together as a fun indoor couple activity.

It’s hard to tell if it’s a rut or he’s checked out but there are lots of ways you could try to communicate your feelings to him. You could ask him to sit with you and say you love connecting with him and want to do activities that rebuild connection. You could explain that you aren’t trying to control his down time, but the phone is a barrier to communication between you and you are feeling disconnected and try to start a discussion that way?

Thanks for these detailed and thoughtful responses!

Blondiebeachbabe

We don't really go out to dinner because we both like to cook and we'd have to spend more than our budget would allow to eat something better than we could make at home!

But, even then, if he cooks, I sit in the kitchen, we play music, have a chat and a glass of wine. If i cook, I might ask him if he wants to come and keep me company in the kitchen and he always will but, if i say nothing, he sits in the living room on his phone. I won't compete with it either so I just leave him to it.

I also tell him I'll wait until he's finished. He'll put it immediately down but the second the exchange is over, he picks it up again. Which is why I feel like I'm interrupting something he'd rather be doing.

We always eat at the table together. No phones. But he doesn't chat at meals times. He just eats.

We don't travel overseas - i dont travel well but we go wild camping (or as good as) all over UK. We do talk about places we want to go and plan stuff but once its planned, thats it. He doesn't seem interested in talking about stuff for the sake of it anymore.

If I talk, he listens, but I'd quite like to engage in a conversation and not deliver a lecture.

We used to go to a lot of festivals and gigs but he seems to have lost interest in those. He enjoys gardening amd is hoping to get an allotment next year. We haven't been to a gig in a while.

I'm just bored on top of everything else.

Wallethog

I've suggested doing so many things. Some he's shown a bit of interest in but it never happens. Some he's not interested in.

I know I'd be more interesting if I were more fulfilled but I'm still feeling a bit emotionally fragile after the whole work thing.

I also know I shouldn't feel guilty but I do.

He finished work early today and isn't feeling well so went up to bed for lie down for an hour. I won't go up to wake him but I knpw that, after a nap, he'll be on his phone for another hour or so because thats what he does.

I just get a bit fed up chasing him off it amd feel a bit of a nuisance.

We are both retired but not that old. We are often on our phones reading and DH loves international politics and playing chess and researching stuff. We are both happy in our own company together and separately. If you’re not then speak to him but the thing is, he won’t change. The only person you can change is yourself

Also should have said, if he goes to his mum's at the wekend, I go too but he works near his mum's so he goes straight after work on Friday and does whatever jobs she needs doing. I like visiting his mum but I think she likes the once a week just seeing him.

We each have 2 adult children. They've all beeen over together a few times over the summer. He's lovely and chatty and clearly enjoying himself and doesn't touch his phone at all but as soon as they've gone, every time, he's sat down immediately and picked up his phone to scroll in silence for an hour before going to bed.

It's the same if we have anyone round.

I don't have any family outside of my children. My daughter is usually at university 200 miles away so I dont see her often and my son works full time and has a life of his own now. We chat on the phone weekly and he pops round after work every couple of weeks. That's all fine but I suppose if I had parents, I'd be busier with them too.

I have a couple of friends I meet up with every few weeks but they quite often invite him along too because he's so much fun.

One of my friends has invited a few of us over to hers in a couple of weeks time and she's invited him too. I'm torn about taking him because, on one hand its nice to see him being chatty and having a laugh and having the opportunity to be sociable with him but on the other hand...

I just feel like whenever anyone else is around, he's fine and their company is enough for him. But as soon as its just the two of us again, the phone comes out.

I wouldn't mind if it was sometimes or he read stuff he then wanted to explain it to me or we had a conversation about it but i feel like there's three of us in the relationship and I'm losing to the phone!

If it was just an hour here and there, I wouldn't mind but it's everytime he stops doing anything else, the phone comes out. I don't really want to have to ask him to choose between us..

I think you need to sit him down and have a chat about it. Maybe you are over thinking? When we are watching a film, if DH pauses it to go and get drinks or whatever, I do pick up my phone too, just to occupy myself/check for messages. It doesn't mean I'm not interested in my DH or the film.

Maybe a compromise would be to have a whole evening where you're not allowed to go on the phone?

But overall, your relationship sounds quite lovely to me.

When we are watching a film, if DH pauses it to go and get drinks or whatever, I do pick up my phone too, just to occupy myself/check for messages.

I know. It's normal and I do the same. But it's all the time. When he gets in from work, he'll make a cup of tea and ask if im going to join him in the garden. So I do. He sits down, gets out his phone and immediately starts scrolling. If he wants a bit of time on his own to do that, that's fine but why ask me to join him. After 5 mins of drinking tea in silence, I go back inside.

We take it in turns to cook dinner. I stay in the kitchen to chat if he cooks but if I do, he walks in from the garden, phone still in hand and goes into the living room to carry on scrolling.

We eat. Whoever didn't cook clears away and washes up. He either sits down on the living room on his phone or gets it out as soon as he's finished. And we sit in silence until I suggest putting a film on or popping down to the pub for an hour or going out for a walk.

I suppose.my point is that he doesn't ever actually speak to me unless its to respond to something I've said or ask a specific question.

If he had the choice between half an hour chatting with me or scrolling through stuff he claims he's "not even interested in" on his phone, the stuff he's "not even interested in" on his phone would win.