Partner checking my phone

[Pirate23]

Hi MN
I’ve been with my DP for 6 years and have two small kids together. Around 3 years ago we were going through a rough patch where she wasn’t sleeping with me and I stupidly texted an old flame. It lasted a day and the messages were flirty. I stopped it as I felt guilty and DP didn’t know about it. About 3 months after, DP checked my phone while unlocked behind my back and saw the messages because they hadn’t fully deleted. We worked through it but she has turned paranoid since. From that day, she’s been obsessed with my phone and very recently has begun checking phone every night while I sleep, I haven’t openly given her my passcode and she hasn’t asked for it, but she’s checking my lock screen if I get any notifications, I’ve seen her at stupid hours doing it. I’ve got nothing to hide, I’d never do it again as I felt awful. Apart from this our relationship is ok, it’s tough with small kids anyway but this obsession that I’ll text another woman again or I am currently texting a woman is ruining things. I’ve tried to reassure her and I leave my phone out - as I say it’s on my side of the bed when I sleep so I’m not hiding it. I do speak to my ex who I share an older child with and she’s been paranoid when she’s seen a missed call from ex. So I stupidly began deleted those notifications which she caught me doing too so that made her worry even more. Any advice would be much appreciated

Adults shouldn't need to check each other's phones, but in this case I do understand why she feels that she needs to. As you have nothing to hide, would you consider giving each other your passcodes and allowing free access? Knowing she can look at it any time might actually help her to stop feeling paranoid and checking it while you're asleep etc. However, if you don't want to, that's fair enough - it's a personal decision and I don't think you should feel you have to. Maybe consider couples counselling? Talking it through with a therapist may help to rebuild the trust between you.

Sounds like she originally checked your phone because she was suspicious, with good reason, that things were not right in your relationship . And because of what she found the trust has never come back.

Either you do everything possible to to regain her trust - including free access to each others phones - or tbh there is no point continuing the relationship.

The rough patch you refer to - was she pregnant or did you already have a tiny child? Was the lack of sex related to that? The fact that you texted an old flame is bad and if she was already pregnant or caring for a baby that makes it even worse - really, really bad. As a PP said, i generally think it’s wrong to police phones but your partner is probably feeling particularly vulnerable so for the time being the best thing may be to allow her access to your phone. Knowing she can access it may help her feel better. I know my DH’s code and he knows mine. I never check his phone but, from knowing his code, i tend to assume he has nothing to hide.

MN double standard in action again. Answers would be very different if it were a man checking a woman's phone.

I don't think giving her access to your phone will ever help - it's an action on her part born of anxiety, and enabling anxiety tends to let it grow, because to her, it'll likely always be just that she hasn't found anything "yet".

Of course at this point, if you reduce her access she'll take that worse & make it mean you are hiding something, cos there's no trust currently.

Counselling together to build trust seems like a better answer - you need to address the need for attention that led to the original and very brief stupid decision, and reassure her that you've reflected and won't do it again. Also reflect on the fact that you'd rather lie to her to minimise potential conflict, eg re your ex. That is not a behaviour that builds trust, people need to know that you're strong enough to address difficult things and not default to lies.
And she needs to reflect on why she's now sneaking around to check your phone rather than having an open conversation with you about her fears. Either she can get past it and trust you. Or she can't, in which case she needs to end the relationship. There's no good being in a relationship where there's no trust, that's toxic for both people.

You were texting another woman and being flirty and you're complaining about her checking your phone? 🤔

You need to allow her to do this until her mind settles and stop complaining.

You are minimising what you did and deleting notifications. Is her suspicion entirely groundless?

Shame needs to change sides, while she was likely pregnant or a very new mum, you were utterly disgusting to her, when she ‘wasn’t sleeping with you’ you started flirting via messages with an ex.

She shouldn’t waste any more time on you. It’s not worth it.

Well you betrayed her and now she can't trust you understandably. Has she got any therapy for it? What have you done really to build trust back up? I wouldn't say you've behaved particularly trustworthy regarding your ex (and yes whilst you must speak to your ex to communicate regarding your shared child it's understandable she would feel suspicious about it seen as your betrayal involved an ex and you deleting notifications will feel like confirmation of suspicions regarding the ex you havea child with)

I think it’s problematic that you’re referring her to as ‘paranoid’ or as having ‘an obsession’. While her behaviour isn’t right, she must not feel emotionally safe with you and for good reason. You betrayed her trust because she ‘wouldn’t sleep with you’.

If you want to earn her trust back, you go to counselling and talk it through and also, you give her the passcode to your phone. You tell her that you don’t want to be snooped on but at the same time you have nothing to hide. That is assuming you truly don’t have anything to hide!!

So our child was just turning 2 when I texted the old flame, we had been arguing a lot because of the stresses of life and having a small child. We have both discussed that we think she suffered PPD in those two years which caused us to argue and the lack of sex. Second child is 18 months and she seems much more herself, but this paranoia is the thing that’s ruining us now. I’m worried that she really doesn’t trust me and we can’t move forward. I don’t mind her having my passcode, I’ve got nothing to hide and the thing is she can easily get my passcode because I type the number, in front of her when I go to unlock my phone. She made a huge point the other week that she is frightened to actually go snooping into my phone again after what happened last time. I’ve told her please do I’ve got nothing to hide, I made a huge mistake.

Well she clearly doesn’t trust you since you sent flirty text messages. However, from a personal perspective I couldn’t be with someone if I felt the need to do all this as it just sounds miserable. But you can’t really be surprised she no longer trusts you.

I don’t think you can reasonably call her paranoid/obsessive when you’ve been snakey behind her back. Paranoid/obsessive would only apply if you had done nothing.

OP here is a thing most people who do this kind of thing do not realise is that rather than be upfront with her initially, and trust her to take her own desissions re your little side step, you hid it from her, even if you decided there and then to stop the texting your ex, you still chose not to tell her and instead chose to delete the deed, so she had to find out herself, and of course that will set the tone in your relationship to this day.

Had you come to her initially, right after you had been texting your ex, she may have had more of an opportunity to digest it differently, and heard you out with sincerity, but instead you deleted the messages, hoping not to be found out only for your DP to feel there was a shift in your relationship, gone on your phone and discover the sexting. And so obviously she will feel incredibly insecure and unsafe investing emotionally in you from then on. So if she feels there is any kind of shift, she will feel jittery and want some comfort in your relationship and that you are not going behind her back again.

You would feel no different if the shoe was on the other foot.

What you need to do is own this, and communicate gently about this. You need to be her safe space, and you clearly are taking accountability by asking for advise, but it needs to translate to her too, what would you advise your male friend if he was in this position, or your future adult child?

Selfish man

There are so many of you

OP you also need to figure out why your first instinct when stress knocks on your door is to text an old flame? Because life is stressful and will continue to be, and no sexting will give that comfort you are after, just chaos and will disrupt your life and escalate stressors.

The way you treat your family is how you initially feel about yourself.

You’ve done three things to demonstrate that you are not trustworthy. Firstly messaging someone else, secondly hiding and lying about it, and thirdly deleting other calls and messages reinforcing the idea that you are still happy to lie and hide things from her.
So now she doesn’t feel like you are trustworthy and she’s worried you might hide things from her, which is not surprising really.
What are you doing to show her that you love her and won’t do anything like this again other than giving her access to your phone, which you are also judging her for taking. It also doesn’t really sound like you’re taking much accountability tbh

You say that she ‘turned paranoid’ - no you showed her you can’t be trusted.
And you say she had ppd which caused you to both argue and pushed you to flirt with another woman. But how were you supporting her with her ppd?
how can she know if you start arguing again or she doesn’t want sex that you won’t immediately do the same? I imagine your second child coming up the same age as when you did this, is bringing some stuff up for her too