How much should you know about a partner's past work history?

[Spriggans]

This might sound like a bit of a strange question but how much detail do people actually know or need to know about their partner’s past?

My DH has always been reluctant to discuss some things, and I was kind of ok with this but this has changed for me recently and I think that I need to know more. My questions are specifically about some of his work history which he never seems to want to talk about. I know that this sounds super boring, and I don’t think I have ever been very interested in boring work talk but there is something niggling me. He lived and worked in some very dangerous places and I would just like to know more.

The last time I raised it he outright asked me why I was making things so difficult and why I couldn’t just it go. If he just said that he didn’t want to revisit this time I’d understand but he doesn’t say that much.

If I’m unreasonable then I’ll accept that and let it go but I just find it strange and it’s not a nice feeling. Happy to be told that I’m annoying and should mind my own business.

Asking you why you can’t just let it go IS him expressing the fact he doesn’t want to revisit it. My former partner was a military police officer and went to Afghanistan twice and it really affected him. I never asked about it with the exception of encouraging him to get PTSD support through the army when he kept waking up due to nightmares about falling helicopters. Anything he told me just came out of the blue and at times when he felt the need just to share a part of what was on his mind. It was none of my business at all and I never would have kept on at him just because I ‘wanted to know more’. He’s been really clear with you I would say, so why not just say that if he ever wants to talk about it, you would be prepared to listen, but other than that you are dropping it. That’s what a supportive partner does.

If he or she was sacked for fraud or violence I would want to know. If it meant someone who is to be avoided or a company, likewise.

Why keep questioning him if it's something he's obviously uncomfortable discussing? Would you like it if the roles were reversed and he kept picking away at something you didn't want to talk about? Just leave it alone!

Depending on who it was he was working for, then he might not be allowed to discuss it. Or he went through some seriously bad stuff and doesn't want to revisit a traumatic time in his life. My advice would be to not push it.

Ok thank you. Good to get some objective thoughts. I better leave it then

Depends I think. I think it's fair to want to know what type of work someone did, but detail isn't needed. If he was in the armed forces, or doing medical or humanitarian aid you probably really wouldn't want to know details. These people see the very worst.

I think he has been very clear in asking you to let it go. How much more obvious does it need to be that he doesn't want to talk about it? Unless you suspect he was previously a criminal then you have no rights to keep pushing the issue.

Yes thanks, I got it.
Not like I can explain it anyway, so message received loud and clear.

I mean… do you know what sector he was in? I’d also be a bit miffed if someone wouldn’t just say ‘finance’ or ‘policing’ etc. If I knew for example like PP said military but don’t want to revisit, I’d leave it but if partner was flat out not even telling me the sector I’d be confused.

It depends.

If you mean a partner being secretive about a whole part of their life that they have never told you anything about, that is odd, and not good
BUT
As pps have said, if you mean they have seen things they don't want to think about again, or discuss with anyone at this point - potentially police, paramedics, prison officers, armed forces, fire fighters, social workers, etc etc, but you are aware they were doing that sort of role in the past, it is very different.

Or, of course, if they were a spy / in the SAS / other things they must never talk about (like people that worked at Bletchley Park during the war years).

He only said that it was operations. I think he was a pmc as he definitely wasn’t in the army any more at that stage. Definitely not social work or paramedics. I will leave it as he probably has seen things that he doesn’t want to revisit or isn’t allowed to. I’m probably just hormonal and went down a rabbit role in my head. Will leave this alone and stop annoying him.

My uncle served and had nothing but disdain for pmcs. In his words they were no better than your average mercenaries. I don't want to tar them all with the same brush because I know very little about this topic, but I think you might be better off not knowing more. War is horrible enough as it is without people benefiting from it.