Facebook and following random attractive people in a relationship

[Ballysaggartmore]

How do Mumsnetters in relationships feel about your partner following random attractive women... or men... on Facebook?

This has been a problem since I met my boyfriend. Soon to be ex, I should point out, as I've reached the end of my tether now. We've been together just over a year, we don't live together. He asked me to move in with him a little while back and then dropped a massive hint, well, actually said that he might want to get married at some point, but I have responded negatively... albeit gently and kindly... to these suggestions, as I basically don't trust him. (So why am I with him is a very good question....).

We had a massive row about Facebook last year only a few months into the relationship and I walked then and now I am really regretting taking him back. I knew something was off as he was so secretive with his mobile. I could see he was following loads of random women, all blonde and very attractive, none of them look over 25, on Facebook. He is Googling blondes. I am a brunette, I'm 47, he's 63 (yes I know, what am I doing.... too old some people are bound to say, but the chemistry was there at first). And a man in his sixties "collecting" women on Facebook, following their pages, and on some images, putting hearts and comments.

He deleted his Facebook when we split up but soon after that set another one up. He promised me he would change, but that he loves looking at blondes and it's not doing any harm etc etc. But that he would stop the following and commenting.

I wish we had never got back together. He's started again. He hasn't even realised his Following section is on a Public setting, so everyone can see it... including his two children, ex wife, the whole wide world.

I feel humiliated and not enough. Deep down I know I am enough. But there's no sex, he never wants to make love to me and seems to avoid it. So I can only assume I am just not his type at all.

This is very childish but I've decided to ghost him while I figure out what to say and how to end it. I can't bring myself to bring it up again somehow.

I now have the major ick, as they call it on here.

When I look on Reddit and other sites, a lot of women accept this and call it window shopping or fantasy. Am I being over-sensitive? At one point he said I was very sensitive as I got so upset about it and cried in front of him.

And when you look these pages, there are a LOT of men commenting and saying stuff like really sexy, hot.. and their profile photo even has their wife or gf in it! What is wrong with these men????

You're doing the right thing by dumping him.

Either he has a very different idea of what it means to be monogamous, as do a lot of men, unfortunately, or he knows what he's doing is wrong but he does it anyway because for some reason, he thinks the bar should be low for you or other women he gets involved in.

His behaviour is a red flag and so scummy. It would be scummy and adulterous even if he was a young man, but the fact that he's doing so much of this at his age is even worse. Even if he wasn't leaving hearts or comments (which is extra wrong), it would still be adulterous, in my book.

I've seen the behaviour you're talking about myself online (not in my own relationships, thankfully), and my opinion is that these men just don't respect their wives, at all, or they are supremely arrogant.

Just think - not only are they doing all of that, but they are doing it in public, in full view of all their friends and family who can see who they follow, who they interact with and so on. It's an embarrassment to themselves and people will generally be pitying their poor wives or girlfriends. Instagram enables followers to see what other people are following, so it's even easier on there to see what content other people are liking and interacting with.

I also think there are many men out there who 'settle' for woman they're not that attracted to. This is not a value judgement on you, and many men have an incredibly entitled view that as a totally average man they should be with a woman that looks like a model.

The trade-off or deal that they make with themselves, is that to compensate for them having to 'settle', they will continue perusing the type of woman they really want either online or in other ways. That's not a good or stable relationship to be in, as you can imagine. Men like that are less likely to be nice partners in general, again, because they feel like they're settling.

OP please just dump him - you don't have to give any explanation other than 'this relationship isn't working for me anymore and it's over'. He sounds like just another creepy old man 🤮

He’s gross, men like this never change. He’ll have been a sleaze in his 20s too.

He's a gross old sleaze who can't perform sexually and you don't trust him.

What the hell are you doing with him?

You have yourself there a specimen of an all-too-common unreconstructed Neanderthal. He won't change, he'll always be relentlessly sleazy even if he swears off Facebook. He's the kind of man you see in the pub with his neck on a swivel and his eyes out on stalks, leering at girls young enough to be his granddaughter.
Dump without a second thought, don't look back.

You really don’t need to explain anything or to get into a back and forth. Just tell him it’s not working out, and believe me, it really isn’t working out. There’s a better man out there for you who wants to have sex and isn’t perving around on Facebook.

I prefer a man with healthy hobbies. His behavior is being a voyeur. Since he's not into sex with a real live woman, he probably masturbates to those women's images, and is addicted to that.

Yeah, it was a major mistake to stay, as when you want a partner to change in a major way, it's not the right relationship. In cases like this, the man eventually grows to resent you for having to change. Or, he doesn't change and tries to hide things better.

Better late than never, so it's time to leave the creep in your rear-view mirror for good.

A member of the dirty rain mac brigade.

Even though you are considerably younger than him he's not sexually attracted to you unfortunately. Because nobody can stay 22 and pert forever. I think you are falling into the role of nurse with a purse for him. You deserve more.
There are quite a few posts on here with middle aged men who seemingly don't want sexual relationships with the women they enter into relationships with. There is one post here currently with an early 40s guy who can only get it up for Instagram models, only months into the relationship, no happy early days. It's shocking.
There have always been dirty old men but the internet providing an endless supply of young women to get off to has broke their brains and dicks. They think they deserve models but get lonely and "settle" for a real woman. They then proceed to destroy their real woman's self esteem.
You don't need to be the answer to the male loneliness epidemic, you deserve to feel desired and wanted. You would be happier alone not having to think about this creepy old pervert.
Don't give him a reason, don't argue your case, just dump him, block and leave him to his sad wank fantasies.

Dump him for the inadequate sex life which is doubtless related to his online activities💙

It's just gross. Maybe some women accept it but I don't know why anyone would, it would be such a massive turn off for me. (And I don't even have a particular issue about say, porn - leering over actual real life women and commenting on them is so much worse IMO). You deserve more on so many levels.

And why at the age of 47 would you want a man who doesn't satisfy you sexually anyway?

Funny you should say that. If a young woman with blonde hair goes past, he's practically salivating. He kind of examines their faces as if he's looking at a specimen of something through a microscope. I've felt like walking away when he's done it before.

Glad I've finally located my self-respect and pride!

I never really thought of it as voyeurism before, you're so right!

So since Friday afternoon I have ceased to respond to any of his messages. Yesterday asking how I am, I didn't even read it, deleted it. Then today, shall we go to the pub, his treat.. I ignored, deleted, did not read. In the meantime, instead of checking in on the person he was supposedly planning to ask to marry him with a phone call, is everything ok etc... has something happened..... not a single attempt to call.... he's added two more random women's accounts.

I am so done. He's now blocked so he can't even attempt to contact me in any way. And he doesn't even deserve an explanation. I would never normally ghost anyone, it's horrible when I've had it done to me, but this man is utterly disgusting.

Yeah i’d say get rid, find someone who prefers to look at you than strangers on the internet, someone who might actually want to rattle your bones because they find you attractive.