Finding the courage to leave an unhappy marriage

[Fleckle]

I’m in an unhealthy relationship but struggling to leave even though I know it’s the right thing.

We’ve been married for 12 years. My husband has been emotionally and physically absent from the relationship for at least 8 years. I’m sure he has depression and he has problems he refuses to get help for that impact us all. He has constant mood swings and we all walk on eggshells around him. He has good moments but he’s often intolerant and rude. He regularly ignores me and will get annoyed if I ask him questions (silence, eye rolling, passive aggressive behaviour). We have two teenagers who call him out on it too.

I’ve recently had some worrying health news. Not once has he asked me how I am or even given me a hug. On the day I found out, he came home, went straight into the kitchen and didn’t talk to me. Total withdrawal. I get he may have been worried but I needed support and he wasn’t there.

This is a cycle that’s been going on for years. I know it’s not right and I know I deserve better. I’m financially ok so logistically I could be on my own.

But I am struggling to make the leap. I feel guilty, wonder how he’ll cope and question my every move. It’s almost like I’m needing permission to leave.

How did you finally take the leap and find the strength to leave? Any advice?

Asking myself the same question and for a long time!
Currently feel like I have the clarity that ive been seeking for a while to realize I need to separate from my husband but still need the strength to actually have that conversation. We have acknowledged that neither of us are happy and things need to change. However those changes haven't happened and now realistically its time we had the conversation to say we are officially separating. Tbh it feels like we are already are...we sleep in different bedrooms we dont socialize together. Our conversation revolves around the kids!
I think you have to look at yourself...what is it you want? I think building up the courage to just talk firstly about the issues you have not necessarily the im leaving conversation.

I think you need to start with a few things

• evaluate in detail your financial situation
• talk openly about what is going on with a skilled advisor such as a Relate counsellor
• if possible open up about your situation to a trusted friend/family member who has time to support you

Learning to separate his feelings from yours is very important. He is an adult, presumably competent at holding down a job and living life. His feelings are his responsibility. He will cope.

It sounds like you are concerned with the fact he might feel angry. Yes he is likely to feel angry.

Please remember his anger belongs to him, is generated by him and is his responsibility to handled appropriately. You don't "make him angry". He looks at what you decide to do and decides to get angry about it.

Thank you for your replies. Sorry to hear you’re going through the same @Peanutbutterflies.

@PineConeOrDogPoo Great advice. I really struggle to separate his feelings. I spend too much time thinking about him and not my needs while he seems happy to put in no effort at all.

I should have left years ago. With my recent health scare, it’s really brought to life how short life can be and you only get one shot at it. I’m not spending my remaining time in a miserable relationship with someone who doesn’t seem to care (despite saying he does).

Watching with interest. I think you do need to give yourself a certain permission and maybe that involves acknowledging a failure too. For me, a hard part of this step is admitting to my own issues and bad choices that allowed this relationship ever to happen and to have accepted so little for so long. The bright side is having raised teenagers mostly successfully together -although differences in parenting came to the forefront in these teen years. (He gives no time or attention since he got none at that age.)

If you can make it work financially absolutely make the break, don’t feel guilty about someone who treats you badly. All i can say is that i’m in a not too dissimilar situation except i couldn’t make it work financially, if i could i’d have already been gone.

I don't feel overly guilty about my DH feeling tossed over or not coping since he has had two decades to show care or thought. And seemingly doesn't appreciate the home I built around him. I do have guilt though over what is best for the children going forward and how their adult lives will look with split up parents. At least I think about that a lot.

It took me a long time to make the leap even though I felt it for many years. There was a trigger that just pushed me eventually, relating to my DC. I couldn't leave to save myself but I could for them. It was absolutely the right thing to do. I couldn't let them see the abuse any more or be subject to it. It was similar to yours. Angry miserable negative man, verbal abuse, completely living like a loner and not engaged in family life, left everything to me despite me working FT. I was too exhausted for too many years to change anything. MN helped me realise that the DC and I deserved better. I should be modelling what a good relationship looks like so they would grow up and seek the same. Not repeat history.

I got a divorce and have never been happier in my life. I love being single and my DC are thriving and happy. In fact they said they wished I had done it sooner.

Your husband is treating you with complete contempt. You know you need to make the leap but need some courage to do so.

You haven't found your anger yet. Anger is looked at in a negative view, but there is something called righteous rage. Where you come to a realisation of all the shit that you have had to tolerate over the years. How badly you have been treated. Anger, used in the right way, can bring around change and transformation.

I would highly recommend booking yourself some therapy sessions where you can talk to someone in detail about your marriage. Someone who is completely impartial and non judgemental who will help you pick apart why you have tolerated this treatment for so long. You may find that you were moulded in your childhood to tolerate such behaviour.

Then you can start to heal from your bully. Set boundaries and finally have the strength to make that leap.

Sending you strength Sister x

Is it that you need permission or that you feel afraid of his reaction, or afraid of the scary unknown of being alone again? Maybe you could have some counselling just to talk through what you want and need? Maybe asking yourself why you feel so concerned about his feelings and how he would manage if you split, when he shows so little care for your happiness and wellbeing?

If you need a good reason to leave, think about the example this is setting your teenagers, seeing their father show so little concern and care for their mother. Our parent's relationship is the blueprint from which we learn to navigate adult relationships. You wouldn't want them to put up with being treated like this, would you? So show the same respect and kindness for yourself. You know that you deserve better than this.

I hope your health issue is resolved quickly and that you get the support you need from family and friends 💐

I'm so sorry you have a health problem and really hope all goes well. It's heart-breaking that you didn't have anyone to give you a hug and to reassure you. It sounds as though that's your tipping point and I think you're right if it is - he has shown you he doesn't care about you. Being alone is far less lonely than living with someone who doesn't care about you.

I think you need to put yourself first here and not worry about him or his future happiness. He doesn't give a damn about anyone else. You have enough to worry about without worrying about him too.

I'm so happy that financially you can do this. Why not make up a plan of action now. What needs to be done? Where will you live? Will you buy him out?

I think your teenagers might get upset but will find real relief in living in a house that doesn't have that dark cloud over it.

If you know you can financially manage then just do it. Go see a solicitor and file for divorce. Cut the cord.

I'm sorry to hear about your health issues, but to you (and all others out there) I would highly recommend leaving an unhappy marriage with an unsupportive partner. I left with three children and financially it was harder, but emotionally the kids and I had never been happier. They are in their 30s now and well adjusted and fine (all were primary aged at the time). They have never once expressed a regret that their parents divorced.

They dutifully visited their father once a week until they hit later teens then stopped bothering because he made no effort. Two of them now send him a Christmas card out of habit and that is about their only contact with him.

He wasn't abusive, but I do like to remember him as the man who LITERALLY would not bring me a glass of water when I was dying. I was seriously ill in bed with meningitis and my mother called an ambulance. I was in intensive care for 3 weeks, during which time he did not vist (you were in a coma - what was the point?) and that was when I decided my marriage was utterly dead in the water and got out.

OP, I also recommend you start listening to The Divorce Podcast with Kate Daly. A lot of wisdom on there about ending relationships.

Thank you for the support. I’m going to make an appointment with a counsellor to chat through. I feel I have a lot to process but have been putting everyone else’s needs before mine. Time for a change! Maybe that’s the first step to a real change.