Just broke up with DP and its clear he never loved me

[mcrlover]

DP and I just broke up this evening. We have a 14mo DD and have been together for 4 years. He has autism. For much of our relationship I'd struggled feeling his lack of reciprocating anything emotional - no cuddling, touching (outside of sex), when I asked him if he loved me he'd usually reply "I don't know". But I put it down to his autism and deluded myself that he did really love me deep down.

I'd been really afraid to break up with him, but a couple of months ago realised I'm not in love with him any more after so long the emotional needs not being met, and had gotten my head around breaking up before the conversation this evening.

But, maybe its selfish or mean for me to say, he didn't seem to care at all that we broke up today, and I'm feeling quite sad about it. I asked him if he was in love with me, he said he doesnt know what that means and I finally had to get AI to explain it to him. I asked him if he ever loved me at any point in the relationship, he said maybe not, and it would have just been easier for him to have had a child with someone from his home town instead of me.

Just looking for a handhold even though maybe I'm being a bit self centered here, but feels quite sad and confusing / I like a *nob that I built a family with a man who clearly never even loved me in the first place.

Edit: don't get me wrong, I'm relieved he isn't heartbroken, that would have been a much worse outcome. I guess I'm just feelong confused and sad about the loss of what I thoight the relationship was, and like a total mug

It sounds like he may have alexithymia, which is not uncommon in people with autism. It can present as a challenge in identifying and expressing emotions. If this is the case he likely cared for you as much as he is capable of caring for anyone. Don’t blame yourself, people who experience this aren’t unloving per se, they’re not cold and uncaring people, they are just wired differently. You could probably tell that he was a good person, but you need more emotionally than he is able to offer.

This is amazing news! You only wasted 4 years of your life with someone who wasn’t right for you. Autistic men are really hard to be in relationships with, there’s nothing more or different you could have done.

now is the time, regain back your life, heal and get back out there. Although the aware that lots of predators target single mothers.

is he at least a good father to your child?

Sorry to hear this. Men can pretend for a long time to get their needs met. It’s only when you leave it’s clear that they had no interest in you at all.
Be thankfully this was a relatively short relationship so you can move on and either stay single or find someone who actually cares. Time does help but it doesn’t feel like at the start. You won’t always feel like this.

OP people often make the mistake of thinking autistic people don't feel the same emotions as the rest of us - they do, but often find it difficult to identify or express those emotions in a typical way. I'm saying this because you're assuming he hasn't loved you for the whole relationship when that may not be the case - he might not express it in a way that you recognise.

It's ok to feel sad at the end of a relationship - it is sad, especially when you have a child together. Give yourself time, but please don't feel like a mug. You're not. You've tried your best and that's all anyone can do. Look after yourself 💐

Just a virtual hug from me really. The advice above is spot on. I've been there. He will likely be a good Dad and you deserve someone who can meet you in love. Wishing you all the very best OP. Good for younfor being brave emoigh to make the right choice and follow through. Xx