Is divorce common once the last child leaves home (for uni)?

[PlantBased11]

Guess I just want some idea of what to expect.
My parents are both around 60, married since early 20s. They have me (mid thirties), plus two siblings, one 30 one just turned 20. Big gap! The 20yo started university in September & so is the last to leave the family home. Now it's just DM & DF. They get on OK, I haven't lived with them for a long time, remember some arguments, nothing crazy, but definitely not a warm relationship. Now I have a DH i find their lack of affection for each other quite striking.
Both still working in professional academic jobs (not together/ same area), probably will retire late because they both love work.
DB said living with them before he started uni was like living with two people with totally separate lives who were basically civil to each other...

I am close to siblings and mentioned to them that I thought we might expect a divorce soon now last child has moved out. DB agreed, DSis was a bit upset and didn't. I remember starting uni and quite few friends had their parents announce divorce during first year. Honestly I thought mine might, although they had pretty young children still.

Am I projecting because of my experience with uni friends or is this a real phenomenon?

This is so true and why I stay. Every single mother I know bar one whose parents are filthy rich is under enormous financial and mental strain, is less happy, the children are less happy than when the marriage was intact, they are all poorer and in many cases the relationship with the ex is nuclear. My single friend has considered giving her kids up to social services put it that way. That is not what I want for me or my children if I can avoid it and if the worst I have to endure is a companiate marriage. Most parents are doing the best they can in challenging circumstances and focusing on the survival of their children not 'role modelling ' .

'Despite the general mumsnet view of ‘broken’ families being detrimental to a child, I’d argue that it’s better to get out while the kids are younger. If (God forbid!) my husband and I went our separate ways, I’d prefer for my children to see their parents apart but happy rather than together and not modelling what a happy, healthy relationship is supposed to look like.'

This is great in theory but there are very good reasons why people on MN say that breaking up a family, where there isn't abuse, but not every need is being met, is generally detrimental to children. Firstly, assets are split that means increased financial pressure and reduced opportunities for the children. It can also mean parents having to work full time and children experience different home and caring dynamics.That has significant impact on children. Secondly, coparenting is challenging and often it becomes rife with conflict and is weaponised. Paying for things like school trips becomes sources of conflict and Children see this and it has huge impacts on them and they stop wanting to do things. Then the two homes back and forth and inconsistent discipline and expectations. You say you want them to see healthy relationships. What they actually see are step parents who have different views on how children should be brought up and blended families with step children and families were grand parents of their step siblings treat them differently. Step parents with their own children complaining about resources going away from their unit to the other family or them being ignored in house decisions. Then a new baby that is 'proper family' and they aren't.
And then their divorced parent's new relationship failing, or being kept a secret from them so as not to bring another adult into their life. Or another adult that doesn't quite name their mum happy anyway
These are all examples of discussion on mumsnet this month.

So what people on MN are saying is that a non abuse parenting relationship has to be more than not to be completely happy, before splitting up. The chances of modeling how a great loving relationship should be to children after divorce is fairly minimal, even if you achieve it, the children just won't see it andtghe impacts of the split will be significant and mu h more than impacts from mummy and daddy not sleeping in the same bed. Adult children are different because they can see you beyond just parents, and as people in their own right who are looking for a better relationship.
That's why most parents will wait until their children are adults.

Sorry. Was typing when @WhatTheHellsGoingOn was typing and said more or less same thing

The average age of the youngest child during divorce is actually 6-8, not when at uni

I remember when I was at uni a close friend there invited me to her house and also invited her close friend from school for dinner. All three of us had a parent in the throes of an affair

I was married for 30+ years, I had to wait until the no fault divorce came in. DC knew for many years that something was terribly wrong. When youngest left for uni, I left with her.

That doesn’t mean that divorce isn’t common once the last child leaves for uni.

It just means that divorce when a child is 6-8 is more common.

It’s a mean average, so if it were that common the average would skew higher, the prevalence is just due to the bias of the observer. As an adult you notice if your friends parents are divorcing, as a young child you don’t.

It is no more common than at any other age.

Not my business at all, but I am nosy...why did you wait? You could have separated, lived apart for 2 years and satisfied the criteria that way. Would your partner not agree to separate or let you leave? (Also, I am sorry you had to wait. It's excruciating being in that situation.)

I'm sure I have read the most common times for relationships to end are from 3 months into pregnancy to the baby's first birthday and then when the youngest child is 18.

I understand a lot of times why people stay until the children are grown up but it must be very hard for them to live like that and I'm sure very difficult for the children feeling like it's because of them that their parents were so unhappy for so many years.

I know of 3 women who walked out when the youngest child left home.
In one case it was when they went off to Uni and the other two cases on the day of the wedding (while all the guests were at the reception).
From what I understand all 3 marriages were abusive.
These women all had good jobs and were financially independent.

My eldest graduated 2 years ago, and my youngest this year, so most of my friends and acquaintances are around the same stage of life. All are in long term relationships, if not married. There has been one divorce amongst all of us. So I'm not sure it's that common.

That was my experience. After being married for 25 years I realised the kids were the only thing keeping us together.

I asked myself if I still wanted to be with this person with just the two of us all the time for the next possibly 30 years and the answer was a resounding No.

FIL waited until both had graduated and then left. He felt he had the responsibility to clear the mortgage before going.

This would square with the 'average' age of a child at divorce being around 8, as others have mentioned. As long as it's mean average. Mode might be more illuminating

This (and @WhatTheHellsGoingOn 's similar post) makes a huge amount of sense. Thanks to you both, and everyone else, for your thoughtful replies.

This.
What I did.
exH second emotional affair started in 2016
Did not want to disrupt the DC lives during teen/exam years.
Intended to leave when DC 2 went to Uni, then Covid..
Left when DC2 finished undergrad in 2022.

No regrets.

I thought he might kill us all. I wanted my DC to be physically big enough and old enough to get away from him if things looked bad. Lots of other reasons including debt, but that was the main one. Sorry its derailing the thread a bit.

Not the same thing but I read a thread on here before where the ops husband was a negligent dad (and husband) to the point where op came home to find their youngest playing with the oven and he hadn't noticed and he hadn't fed them etc. Everyone said leave him but I can see why people don't leave because how does that help the kids in some situations. Her leaving would just mean the kids are in danger and unfed 50% of the time rather than in emergencies when she has no choice but to leave them with him.

definitely a common time to divorce.

plenty of people will stay married though, even if they aren’t in a great marriage and have the means to leave. If they are just distant and not fighting, leading their largely independent lives without divorcing is still much cheaper than running two households. Each of them also has a built in person to help with surgeries and other lightly stressful situations. If they get along reasonably well, just pursuing their own hobbies and friends can be the preferred option.

The OP wasn’t asking whether or not divorce once the last child leaves home for uni is more or less common than other ages. Just whether it is common. Which it is.

I think we have to answer as Sheldon would answer.
Is it common?
Well, it's not uncommon😁

I think I read that the average marriage that ends in divorce now lasts 13 years but was 10 years not that long ago and that this trend is seen the world over, with only small differences in the numbers. It's more costly to separate at the moment than in the recent past, especially while you still have dependents and house prices are so high. And people are probably more aware of the nightmares other people have with post separation abuse/court involvement if you're forced to keep in touch with an ex while bringing up the kids. I do find myself wondering how much awareness there would have been about these things before the internet. Those with larger families and social circles might have heard some of the horror stories first hand but those who didn't may not have come across so many stories of people trying to co-parent with a very hostile ex and largely been in the dark. I'm just speculating though. I'm mid 40s so maybe those of you older than me will tell me that this wasn't the case at all?

I don’t think it is though based on the numbers. Not any more common than each saying someone gets commonly rolls doubles when throwing two dice. It happens plenty, but not comparatively

My parents first split when DSis and i were at uni and then finally split when we were in our mid-20s. But it was no surprise. They had married very young (18 and 20) and there had been infidelity on both sides though particularly Dad’s. Frankly, we were relieved. After the dust settled, they were able to be comfortable friends.