My friend finally left her abusive ex two years ago. She left with nothing - they weren't married. (Coercive control, psychological abuse, financial control). He is a high-ranking wealthy professional. In that time she had to get legal aid to get a financial settlement so she could provide a home for her children. She now has her own small home and has met a lovely new man. Her ex still lives in their old family home and he has recently re-married. However, he continues to abuse her every chance he gets.
A year ago she nearly broke when he sent her over 100 abusive, long text messages, in the space of a couple of hours. Police were involved and he as spoken to, but things have slid straight back to where they were originally. He still sends her abusive messages. He has said that her new partner groomed her and destroyed their relationship (they only got together after their relationship broke) and that he is unsafe around their children.
Every time there is a community event (school, fairs etc) where she and her ex are present, we, her friends, witness him sidling up to her and 'having a go'. She often ends up in tears and he routinely tries to ruin every experience the rest of us enjoy (school plays). She struggles to hold it together so the children don't see it. But he doesn't give a fuck.
He walks into her home as if he has a right too. Most recently he had a yelling fight with her on the pavement outside her home and blocked her exit.
My friend allows him to enter the house this and tolerates a lot to avoid a scene and in the 'best interests of the children'. I don't think she cab say no. She doesn't want to bar him from her house then have the children witness him make a scene about it. I also think there's an element of 'boiling frog' here - where she can't see how completely intolerable is this because it has been normalised.
Her new partner can't come with her to events where he might be for fear of a scene and the impact on the children. Her ex recently even instructed his children that they weren't allowed to talk with her new partner's child because he is the child of 'that man'.
I am scared for her. I really care about her so much. She's the loveliest human. It feels like it is slowly escalating. The fact he has a new wife doesn't temper his behaviour.
I have spoken to Women's Aid who say it has to come from her. I understand. But what if he harms her before then? What can I do? I have even considered going to his house to try and talk to him, but I know that could enrage him and escalate things. How can it be that her protection depends on her 'making a move' when she probably doesn't have the ability to do so because she has been abused. Are we waiting for her to be seriously harmed before anyone does anything.